₦airaland Forum

@auojumoke
@nightmare

In as much as i appreciate your views....you both are derailing the intent of this thread. Kindly have personal chats on your differences.
Thanks

Olanna45:
seriously, NL is really not the best place to see for help. Alot of psychos hiding behind the screen of computers and cellphone. imagine advicing someone to cheat on the wife.

Lol.
NL is a place to get advices...,.,u only need to apply filters to take the good ones...

waternogetememy:
Marriage is more than love . It's compatibility..Cultural, psychological,linguistic and others
@ bolded is on Point!


Marriage is really more than love.

Feelings are unreliable and can always change. Hence u have divorce cases.

Love is not the most important thing in marriage. Though among the most important.

The bible command to Love ur Neighbor as urself. Love is also the most common thing to man.

If u think u love ur wife or husband more than their parents or siblings or children, then u are mad.

There is always someone who loves them more.

Love is not the most important factor to marriage.

In arrange marriages couple just meet on their wedding dey and still find love for one another and the love grows through out their marriage.

So, i love u is not the main factor or reason to marry a person.

Absolutely on point!

DarkRebel101:
I find it a tad hypocritical, risible even, that the self-same man who labelled his wife a cantankerous she-devil with a tongue notorious for its bombs of filth, would so overtly insult the Yorubas in his imputing of all tendencies of abusiveness to the tribe - as if to say all Yorubas are naturally predisposed to being ornery.

Going by that logic of yours, can we also say all Moslems are born terrorists, simply because a fraction of them have, by their murderous and misguided deeds, painted Islam as a religion of violence?

You say your wife throws trumpitantrums like an illiterate whenever you two have a war of words. Newsflash: you are the bigger illiterate for making such an insensitive statement about the Yorubas, and for tarring all the members of a tribe with the same brush simply because of the one isolated experience that you've had with a member of the said tribe.

It begs the question, if you could be so tactless in speech on a public forum, how then are we to be certain your utterances are not what fuels the strife in your home?

No one here can give you the ultimate formula, because no one here wears your shoes nor does anyone here know where it pinches you. To remedy the situation in your home, you are to sleuth deep into the very root of the problem.

Is she being saucy as a result of her childlessness? Is it a case of stress-rolling? Are the straitened financial circumstances the cause? Or perhaps, unbeknownst to you, are some of your actions and/or inactions what goads her untoward behavior?

These are questions only you can and must answer, for the subtleties and dynamics of your relationship are known to you alone—not Nlanders. Besides, it's incredibly difficult to pass judgement seeing as this is only one side of the story.
Who knows, your wife might have a different tale to tell.

If, for the sake of argument, we should assume all you've said are true, and that the fault truly lies with your wife, then just as Sisisioge has said, you brought it upon yourself when you failed to exercise due diligence before you tied the nuptial knot with her.

Surely some of these repugnant traits must have manifested while you were courting her. Perhaps you thought you could reroute her trajectory and change her when you both got married. No?

You've laid your bed, the least you can do is summon the cojones to lie on it. And if you find the bedding not adequately suited to your taste, you can always rearrange it to cater for your comfort, or better still, source for a better one to supplant the old one. The choice lies on the flat of your palm.

Lastly, it takes roughly a sum total of 10,000 hours for anyone – provided he/she suffers no imbecility of the mind – to learn any language to an appreciable degree.

Working on the assumption that your wife is not a fückwit and has no difficulty in learning the rudiments of your culture, I'd say the mild aversion she has for your culture stems not from an inability to grasp it, but from the inability to appreciate it.

Perhaps she's swayed by some stereotypes that give your culture a bad name.
Perhaps you and your people haven't made her feel at home—how do your relatives treat her? Do they eye her askance? Perhaps all you need do is to make her feel less insecure.

Now, I have a question for you:

Throughout your narrative you harped on about your wife's apathy to your Igbo culture, but never made mention of any attempts you've made to have yourself steeped into her own Yoruba culture. Am I missing something here? Isn't a marital union supposed to walk with the feet of mutuality? I believe if you show the zest to embrace her culture that she'll be more receptive to yours – you can't eat your cake and have it.

Inter-tribal marriages have and will always remain a thing of beauty, with the progenies of such unions reaping the benefits in manifold, for not only would they turn out to be a cross-pollination of two cultures and bi/multilingual, they'd also – since they are a product of two entirely different tribes/ideologies/weltanschauung – have broader horizons and would more likely than most have a two-, three-, or even four-pronged approach in inventing their way out of any problem.

The two persons coming together just have to work out the conflicts characteristic of an inter-tribal marriage during the time of their courtship, otherwise they are bound to make a horlicks of the union.

Thanks Maa'm for the above...quite long and thought provoking.
Please note i never generalised abusiveness as a yoruba trait.
If u follow through the various pages...i have provided quite alot of insights about the situation so that judgement is fair on both sides.Pls take time to reach through previous pages and u ll see answers to most of your questions.

Loisemm:
Sorry dear but are you married yet? Have you heard of partners that bring good luck and fortune to their spouses? This his wife may be the cause of his rising from grass to grace not because she contributed a dime but just because of her 'star' or destiny. He ought to hold her close if so. Cause the next one may bring financial chaos into his life.

The bible also said something about marrying a wife and opening doors of prosperity into your life. Can't rem how it put it now.

Another very good point.

I must say since i married my wife, it has been financial and career growth for me. Everything i put my hand into suceeeds beyond my expectations.

Let me throw a bit more light into why i went ahead to marry my wife despite all the behavioural issues i obseved during courtship.
Six mnths after we officially started dating......i told her i wanted to have good financial base before we even talked marriage. She was very supportive abt it. I was based in ibadan where my company is.....and knew little abt the area and land stuffs. She did her nysc in ibadan so she was more familiar. She did all the rallying about while we searched for land. I had no time coz of the nature of my job...i work 6 days weekly...almost 13hrs daily. She went to alot of places and rejected couple of lands informing me she didnt like the place or people or the land price wasnt worth it. We eventually settled for a land which we both liked and also built a 4bed-house within 1yr. It was alot of sacrifice frm both of us. I can count countless times she fell frm okada while going to site or coming frm site. Most of theese periods i usually was out of the country or out of Ibadan on work assignments. She did all of these even without any commitment on marriage whatsoever.
We were alwys broke and she skipped taking alot of care for herself just coz everything i earned went into the house. She didnt have a job as at then.
Cur story short, after i built the house, i engaged her 6mnths later coz i saw a partner and a friend in her.
Fast foreward to when i was promoted n transferred tothe usa...i started earning $$ and with the declining naira wxchange rate...my bank account only got fatter. She noticed my fattening bank acc and advised again that we do an investment...she even suggested a hostel and i keyed into it. Within 15mnths...i built the complete 50-room hostel...again she lead most of the cash disbursment and site followups as my work schedule in the usa wouldnt allow me time. She had lot of time as didnt have a job coz i had suggested she rested at home probably she might get pregnant if her body gets lots of rest and all that. I can recount countless of saving ideas she had advised while we built which till today saved me lots of money.

So overall she has been my backbone in life. And for these reason, DIVORCE IS NOT AN OPTION atleast not now. I want to make my marriage work...She is my wife and goodluck charm...and i wish to keep her. I just need advice on how to curb her behavioural and tribal issues.

Amhappy:
Marriage is tough,tougher if it is inter tribal. I'm Igbo,dated Yoruba guy but couldn't marry him because I no get liver for inter tribal wahala. Marriage between people from different Igbo states no be beans. Whatever I do my husband people must ascribe Anambra to it,Whatever he does my people must attach Imo to it. For your wife,she will be called nwanyi onye ofe mmanu,annoying stuff.
I also don't like going to my hubby village because i don't know people there and it can be boring and lonely. He will leave me and be grooving and that doesn't help matters. So how you act when you get to the village matters. Make it fun for her. Also the no child yet issue can be a problem. Put your home in order babies will come.
Teach her about the Igbo culture because as at today all she knows are assumed. Encourage her to learn the language. One of the reasons why I didn't settle for my Yourba ex was because I tried but couldn't learn the language. It makes one feel like an outcast.

Her Acid mouth is a big problem I must confess. Her own is already part of her and only the Holy Spirit can help. You should pray for her.

Thanks for matured view. Very well noted and appreciated.

ariesbull:
And you are in USA...It's a pity...You can't do much. You can't even slap her, you can't divorce her..There you will pay alimony tire.. she might even want you to divorce her so that you can pay for her upkeep . I think the best thing is to tell her to sign a document if eventually you've divorce

Or better, get another woman , don't divorce her but give the woman belle ...She will call for the divorce herself


Or are you not satisfying her sexually...Because you haven't said that


"When a woman is greasy ,is when a woman is restless "

Al Pacino
Scent of a woman

Well said but sorry this is not my point of view. I think most of your assumptions are a bit wrong.

Vanessa88:
My sis u said it all, that lady made him, and he doesn't want to admit it, this is a one sided story.. Imagine no issue and she is giving u all that poo and you re comfortably taking it and willing to continue taking it.. It doesn't add up

pls read up my earlier post

Vanessa88:
Truth is op, didn't really throw more light on the financial aspect he gains frm this marriage, that is why no matter what the troubles he can't quit the marriage becoz of what he gains from this marriage..frm grass to grace in last few yrs was courtesy of the woman. This marriage is obviously stemmed out of financial gain, and wife knows it and rides on it, albeit she has not yet conceive. Its not all about inter tribal marriage, tho igbo women are more submissive compared to a yoruba woman

Lol...Alright lemme explain.
After graduation in 2008, i searched for jobs for 2yrs ....fed frm mouth to hand...did all menial jobs like tailoring, painting to keep body n soul.
I later got this job with a multinational company in 2011 here in Nigeria and that was the end of my suffering. i met my wife in 2012. I am currently on an expat assignment in our company headquaters in the USA. My wife was a banker back in Naija and she resigned just before we moved to usa.
So maa'm its not what you think.

ariesbull:
Na now you know....chi efo...I hope they warned you before you married ..But you looked at the sweetness of toto and you thought marriage is all about toto. Know they have warned you and they warned you...


Dude..inter tribal marriages rarely work.a lot of baggages . Most people that are in it but present the picture that is working so that people will not tell them...shey we warned you

Bible is always correct when he said marry your type . Even if you want to marry ..Marry neighbouring tribes not crossing seven seas and seven oceans to get a toto. That's madness and stupidity


Now back to you...Go and thank lord that she doesn't have a child for you. Then do the needful

Thanks very much for your concern and advices.
Truth is divorce will only be the very extreme last option when i am fully satistied i made all efforts to make it work. I married my wife because i love her......and coz i believe with God all things are possible irrespective of the situation and circumstances.

I admit i made mistakes not taking adequate actions prior to my marriage but all that is past now. I made a vow before God...for better for worse and i really wana stick by my vow with God.
God has been blessed me abundantly frm grass to grace in last few yrs and i am grateful to Him so much.

Any advice outside divorcing is very welcomed as i want to make my marriage work irrespective of the circumstances.

But all the same, your views are highly appreciated.

i am based in usa...but currently in nigeria for the xmas. I travel back 31st. so keep in touch

Loisemm:
Inter-tribal marriage works o but its not everyone that can handle it successfully. It takes love from the foundation of courtship, ongoing commitment and a broad perspective.
Success in marriage is not determined by speaking the same language at home. If you can communicate in English or pidgin, its OK.

@Op, your wife may also not want to go home with you cause she is embarrassed that children are still on the way.
Also, they may have given her revelations to be careful of certain persons or places. Talk with her about her fears.

About her abuses, lovingly caution her. If that does not work, warn her sternly to desist from such. And probably attach a sanction that you will carry out if she continues. Not divorce o.
You can make ur marriage work if you want. Forget all these negative inter-tribal talk. Yours can be among the positive ones. Nowadays, even the uneducated are inter-marrying. How much more you that sound educated. Broaden your horizon and leave sentiments aside. Its working for me very well. There will be ups and downs but let what drew you guys close, keep you close. All the best

Thanks dear...this is very encouraging with alot of good insights. Very well appreciated !!

Thanks all for the comements...advices and all. Clearly i failed to take actions against the behaviours i had observed while we courted....or simply put...i thought it was something i could change while in the marriage...but i v realised i cant....and that's y i came here for help.

Advice to folks...never assume any behavior of ur partner during marriage. If u cannot change it before marriage...then better opt out.

2ndly, its usually not so generally advisable togo for intertribal....sincerely. It just gets complicated and makes the marriage not so enjoyable at all when differences start to arrive. Compliments to all those who are currently in a good or working intertribal marriages though...but its best to avoid them if one can....saves alot of headaches.

I didnt also mention i m catholic and she is core protestant. That has also brought its own big challenges as well.

mysticgal:
Madam 1alex4u..... It is in every igbo man's blood to go back to the village just to hear Nnoooo, so, i just don't understand why you would think your husband wants to do you bad, its all in your head . besides, did you mistakenly marry him, abi, you did not know he was igbo before you said i do. Infact, how do you even Expect someborry to forget his root because he married you, are you the mother of God or assistant mother of Jesus?.
Biko, please be tolerant and compromising.
As for the abusive nature, op didn't you see the trait in her before you married her?
And i think, the expectations of being married to an igbo man is the same as being married to a hausa, efik, yoruba man....... Just be a wife. abi there are expectations that concern the igbo tradition that is unknown? If yes, school your wife Yourself, that is why you are one.

Besides, your wife's side of this story is needed.

In sincerity I saw this trait in her while we courted and I expressed displeasure in it. She seemed improving though in bits. I felt the change will continue as we progress into marriage but how wrong was I!!

in reality, no lady is 100% perfect b4 marriage, it's always a question of what can one manage while in the marriage no wht can you one hope to change.....

kaziblake:
I hope it's isn't another story forged to get sympathy or likes..

Lady....these are opinions u just keep in ur mind and not to come distort potential readers or advisers. U think i ll wake at 4am to type forged story!!!

I am Igbo and married to a yoruba lady 3yrs now with no child. We moved to California USA about 2 yrs ago.

My wife can be lovely sometimes and a dare devil at other times!

My first issue with my wife is her mouth. It is as saucy and abusive as a completely illetrate woman under a abusive spell. She can 'curse' anytime...anywhere...and she can say anything even when we in public. I have cautioned, begged and even fought severally with her to express my dislike for abuses but she wouldn't just stop. We returned home
for xmas and we had a slight argument, next thing she gave me a very chilli curse in the presence of my siblings. Everyone kept mute and watched her in complete disbelief and suprise!!. I felt extremely embarassed. My elder bro had to callme aside and ask...is this first time she is doing this or is this what u have been covering up and enduring?
Pleas advice me ....what is the best way to curb this abusive habit frm my wife...is this generally a Yoruba habit or is it just with her??



Now the other issue i have with my wife is suspected unwilligness to accept and integrate into the igbo culture.

It started about few months after our wedding. We had a slight argument and then my younger sister called and greeted me in igbo. After i dropped the call, my wife pounced at me and told me never ever to speak igbo in the house if i wanted peace to rein. I couldn't believe my ears. You see, sometimes i dont blame men that raise their hands on a woman coz these are the kind of situations that can result to one. I had never been this provoked all my life like i was when she made that statement. I still wonder how she didny receive atleast 2 hot slaps that moment. We had a very big argument that day and kept malice for weeks. I kept late night and even smoked/drunk for the first time in my life.

Also, while in the usa... i noticed wheenever i mentioned travelling to my village to see extended relations, she will flair up and find one way or another to prevent us frm going. I had issues booking the flight tickets and she kept saying its God trying to
prevent us from going. When i finally succeeded in booking the flight, she called her mum to inform her that i was booking a trip to the village against her wish and i should be held responsible for whatever happens to her. She even at one point said any ritual fashioned against her will not prosper. See me see whalala
oo....!!
Although her dad had big issues with his relations and he moved to the city where he bought a house and stayed as his new abode and raised all his kids to acknowledge this new abode in the city as their home. So they were never close to any of her paternal relations. Infact none of her paternal relations came for our wedding to my greatest suprise.
On my end, i have a very extended relation from both parents and as i kid i always looked forward to travelling to the village to receonnect with relations and i still
maintain such reconnect till today.

Please i knw she reads this blog well. I need yoruba ladies who married igbo or any igbo lady to help enlighten her on igbo traditions and expectations as a wife of an igbo man. I regret not doing this before i got married atleast.

Apologies if too long...i just had ti pour out my hrt!!

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aleshsenior2000:
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whatsapp me if you have...

Nsonaso:
It's all about trust. Thanks

I agree...transacted with him though it didnt click but i appreciate his responsiveness.

Manutd19:
Sorry i can only do 295 last.

N290 and we are good!

Manutd19:
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Remii:
CBN is aware, Form A, BTA , PTA clients but at official rate.

Please help me understand how this relates to foreign transactions like POS/ATM withdrawals exchange rates?

..

link pls

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