I’ve always hated traveling
on this route. These crooked
cops always stay on this lonely
road, delaying one’s trip. It is
not as if their presence has
reduced crime a bit...a rich
trader got stabbed to death on
this same road last week. I
mean, come to think of it –
how does one expect these fat
and pot-bellied grandpas to
chase after criminals? They’d
fall face down after running a
short distance. Phat Phucks !
One time, I was traveling
through this route I hated. I
had to be at my destination in
an hour. I knew there were
about 6 checkpoints on this
road, manned by inglorious
creatures called cops. So what
did I do? I put my
malfunctioning stethoscope on
the dashboard, my white lab
suit on the passenger’s seat
and a bible on the dashboard
also, beside the first item I
mentioned. On the stereo, Amy
Lee’s angelic voice sang
‘Tourniquet’ and her band
backed up the lyrics with
guitar riffs and psychedelic
drum beats. I sang along while
mimicking the pull of guitar
strings with the steering. For a
moment, I felt I was in heaven.
I didn’t care about the police
or if a street urchin would pull
up by the car, gun in hand and
demand for my wallet.
As I approached the first
checkpoint, the stocky cop with
a pot-belly raised his left hand
up and shouted ‘STOP’. On his
right hand was an old AK-47. I
guessed there wouldn’t be
more than one bullet in it. I
applied the brakes and greeted
the poor soul:
“Goodaf’noon Of’cer, how
work?” I asked
“Work don dey as e go dey.
Clear well first”, he retorted
with a mean face.
I cleared by the roadside and
he beckoned on me to alight
from the car. Na wa o, this
man really get time o.
“Where you dey go? Who you
be? Who get the car? Whey
your licence?” he asked all at
once.
“Of’cer, which one I go answer
first now? Ok, I be medical
doctor. Na me get the car and
I dey go Gboko”, I replied.
“You be doctor? But you no
resemble doctor na. This your
face go pursue the whole
patients from clinic. And this
your bear-bear eh. You sure
say you no be boko haram
boy”, he said while smiling.
“Anyway, anything for us?”
I knew that was where it
would end. But ever since I got
arrested by the police in 2003,
I swore I would never give
them any cash again. Instead I
go give ekelebe money, make I
chop fowl nyash .
“Of’cer, dem never pay me
salary since o. I no even carry
any money with me”, I replied.
“Na that one be the problem
na. You no go comot from here
o if you no drop. See as we
dey under the sun since, dey
protect una lives, you dey tell
me say dem never pay you
salary. Your own better sef. I
never see salary since last 2
years. So Doc, drop something
for us make you begin go.
Unless, you go dey here do the
police work with us”, he said
bluntly.
I wanted to shout at him
and make him realize that his
job was not to collect money
from passengers. But I
promptly realized that this was
Naija. If I shout too much, the
guy fit dash me that single
bullet inside belle, claim say I
be terrorist. After about
20minutes of complaining that
I didn’t have cash, I eventually
brought out a 100 naira note
and handed it over to the
devil. All of a sudden, his
countenance changed from that
of a visibly angry pig to a
happy officer that called me
his friend. He then asked me
to leave.
Before I reached my
destination, I went through the
same rigours at three other
checkpoints. At the last one, I
eventually told the officer
bluntly that I wouldn’t give
him any money. I waited
patiently for what would
happen. I was watching
whether the other cops would
pull their guns at me.
Eventually, the officer asked
me to leave, saying he didn’t
want any wahala with a civil
servant wey dey speak big
grammar.
I later arrived at my
destination 30minutes late. My
clients were visibly angry and
threatened to boycott the next
meeting. See wetin police cause!
The evils of the police! From
arresting innocent citizens to
covering up crimes for a price,
this country is very
unfortunate to have this
current crop of cops. This is a
nation where no one cares
whether you are a bad guy; all
you have to do is have as much
money as possible to pay for
police protection. And
afterwards, you’d go about
harassing ordinary citizens
once you have a cop with an
AK-47 behind you.
And that’s why I pity poor
men. In all honesty, I pity
them. You’d rarely see a police
officer harassing a rich man.
Never...unless he wants to lose
his job the next day! But a
poor man, aha, they are always
on the receiving end of police
brutality. From asking for the
receipt of their motor-cycles to
collecting the ‘normal’ 100
bucks settlement money, the
poor man always suffers at the
hands of the cops. This leads
to a vicious cycle in which the
society is filled with angry
sons of poor men waiting
patiently for the right time to
have their vengeance on the
cops and any rich man they
could lay their hands on.
Crime would continue as
long as the members of the
police force keep relegating
their duties to the background.
Put a thousand checkpoints on
the road leading from
Obalende to Mende, e no
matter. Establish a million
checkpoints on the road
between Awka and Nkanu, na
you sabi. Crime would still
persist at an alarming rate as
long as cops sacrifice their
sworn duties on the altar of
little money.
The only language cops
understand is CASH – so do
your best to get as much cash
as possible in other to survive
in this godless nation! Eee
speak lee kwe!