BUHARI GOES TO UK
BUHARI; Yhello, who iz this?
EWA: This is Ewa calling on behalf of OUGAGRAPHA NETWORKS to confirm your trip to the UK and…
BUHARI : look here, my prend, I am in zhe U.K and I am here to eh, eh, to eh.. er… see ma prend zha porma frime minister of zhe UK… er… er… Mr. Toyin…. Toyin… Bulair
EWA: You mean, Mr. Tony Blair?
BUHARI : Yoowaa!
EWA: But why Sir?
BUHARI: Zhe Bulair iz ma pwren, so what?
EWA: But we hear Tony isn’t in London presently.
BUHARI: Who told you zhat? Look, I was in his house
EWA: Which house?
BUHARI: Whichz house do you know?
EWA: Sorry sir, will that be the London house at 35 weymouth street London, W1G, 8BJT with phone number +44 (0) 20 7935 7700
BUHARI: Pery correct.
EWA: But Sir, is Tony Blair now using the house as a private hospital?
BUHARI: Is tony za doctor how can u ask zhat kind of question?
EWA: Because I called the number and they confirmed it is a hospital at 35 weymouth street London, W1G, 8BJT
BUHARI: Look here, didn’t you see all zhe fictures?
EWA: Sir, you mean the ones you took in 2013?
BUHARI: Yes, no, no no! you mean you hap not seen zhe one I even zook wiz tony and prends
EWA: Sir, is it the one you and some others were wearing the winter jacket?
BUHARI: No… no… I dressed tradizionally.
EWA: Okay, I see the one you are wearing the long babariga,
BUHARI: Ixactly, pery pery carrect!
EWA: But sir, London is presently about 9 Degrees Celsius so are you not freezing?
BUHARI: Kai, Zahra! Zoh na! zhis feefull wantz to disgrace us
EWA: Hello, hello… General are you there?
BUHARI: Flease answer that monkey por me
ONE OF THE DAUGHTERS TAKES OVER
ZAHRA BUHARI: Hello please can I help you?
EWA: Yes, please can I speak with the General
ZAHRA BUHARI: No you can’t speak with him
EWA: ahha, why? Who are you please?
ZAHRA BUHARI: I’m his daughter Zahra and He is busy
EWA: oh Zarha, are you the one on make up or the one before the make up?
ZAHRA BUHARI: what?
EWA: I’m sorry it’s just that I see different appearance on the different images on the internet.
ZAHRA BUHARI: did you call to insult me or what?
EWA: no, to speak with the General.
ZAHRA BUHARI: and I’ve told you yoy can’t speak with him
EWA: I can’t speak with him?
ZAHRA BUHARI: yes,
EWA: do you meanto say he can’t speak with me because I think I can and I’m ready to speak with him if he’s available.
ZAHRA BUHARI: okay, he is not available?
EWA: why? Is he on drip?
ZAHRA BUHARI: No he is not on drip haven’t you seen the pictures of him on kemi’s interview does he look like a convalescent?
EWA: Which kemi are you talking about is it the Kemi B Fadojutimi?
ZAHRA BUHARI: Yes, thank God you know this one
EWA: Where was the interview done please?
ZAHRA BUHARI: Here of course, in her headquarters here in London
EWA: Wow, when did she moved her headquarters from the US to London?
ZAHRA BUHARI: What?!
EWA: Well I saw the pictures of the two of them but those pictures are old pictures
ZAHRA BUHARI: Why would you say such a thing do you know that you are attempting to spoil my father’s image and that of that honourable journalist. This is a crime against patriotism and women.. you .. you,
EWA: I’m very sorry please.
ZAHRA BUHARI: You have to be.
EWA: It’s just that same Kemi once presented an award to some APC leaders in the past like Gov. Rauf Aragbesola of osun state…
ZAHRA BUHARI: Meaning ?
EWA: She’s an ally of your father’s party and wouldn’t deny any publicity that would help the party especially in times of trouble.
ZAHRA BUHARI: Haba, Menini Wana? what evidence do you have? You people just like to talk any how…do you know that madam Kemi can sue you?
EWA: No, not me. I have evidence that the Kemi interview pictures are not true because that interview actually took place in Transcorp Hilton.
ZAHRA BUHARI: What? Is that what you think?
EWA: No, it’s what I know
ZAHRA BUHARI: And how would you know that? So because you have passed through the hotel you think you know everything about it?
EWA: No, asides from knowing the carpet, wall arts and interiors of the Transcorp Hilton Hotels And Suite in Abuja. I think it’s because I’ve drunk enough Nigerian table waters.
ZAHRA BUHARI: So, what has that got to do with the interview?
EWA: The bottle water on the table in the interview picture.
ZAHRA BUHARI: So?
EWA: AQUAFINA TABLE WATER is a Nigerian table water you can find in Transcorp not in London
ZAHRA BUHARI: Kai, Look, I’d have hunged up on you but I just don’t want you to go and cause another scandal
EWA: You mean like you closed your twitter account?
ZAHRA BUHARI: And so? If I closed my twitter account how is it you people’s biz?
EWA: So you actually closed your twitter handle?
ZAHRA BUHARI: Look here if you don’t have any other meaningful question I’ll advice you go elsewhere or call any other person like Tinubu or Amaechi or Rochas and leave my poor family alone
EWA: Are you people really poor?
ZAHRA BUHARI: I don’t mean poor as in poor! We are not poor please and we will never be poor didn’t you hear about my mother’s donation to IDPs?!
EWA: Yes, that’s true. But how did she get that kind of money
ZAHRA BUHARI: can’t a woman have her own money again?
EWA: Why not? But if she’s actually richer than her husband why didn’t she borrow your dad money to buy his form instead of allowing him borrow from bank which is against your religion.
ZAHRA BUHARI: Excuse me! What do you know about my religion?
EWA: Nothing.
ZAHRA BUHARI: So have a nice day please.
EWA: Please, please, one more question please.
ZAHRA BUHARI: What, I hope it’s is not about my father’s certificate?
EWA: No, it’s about your mother’s certificate.
ZAHRA BUHARI: Jesus! me ya paru…
EWA: NUC say it’s fake too
ZAHRA BUHARI: kai, Walahi, What have we done to this people?! It is your own mother’s certificate that is fake!
EWA: I just…. (ping…ping…ping…ping…ping…)
CALL ENDS…
N.B: THIS IS A PARODY PHONE CONVERSATION.