kokorunna (m)
naija, uk, yanky
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Re: Wife Has Financial Upperhand Presently
« #2 on: February 10, 2009, 04:48 PM »

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I will feel free as long as I know that she is doing a legitimate work and not getting money from sugar daddies.



it is no big deal,so far you dont start reading meaning to it,and feel like a looser because of the temporary financial change

I hope you sabi pound yam well well
she needs a hot meal when she returns

Word!!

Get off Nairaland and find a job fast! Any job! Any job to avoid staying at home for your wife to come back! Call up your contacts, network and also pray hard. You're lucky to have a very good wife but women are not built to do such things for significant lenght of time. I wish you best of luck in your job search.

@poster
As long as you were fulfilling your responsibilities when you had a job,there is no need to worry.Feel very free;it is only a temporary situation that will soon pass away.Keep Praying and believing God for a job.Don't be bothered by what anybody may say.People will always have something to say about any situation you are in.Keep loving your wife and thank God at all times for her.VERY SOON YOU WILL SHARE YOUR TESTIMONY OF A GOOD JOB.

Hmm - Im in a somelike fix too - n pluto04 is rite: women aint built for such situations AT ALL!
I smiled wen I read so many female responses - sure they sound and mean well but wen the cards are on d table its a diff ball game all 2geda.

I am btw jobs now was into investments (shares n forex etc) we all know wats up with those bizneses (i lost millions)- so i dust my cert (im a petroleum engr) and sent out applications and now I av 2 jobs in d pipeline but entry level. (dis means my income level has dropped)
Now, my wifey has been Godsent - her job has bn d only income source n she has neva complained abt running d bills BUT for d past recent 4months she carries dis 'squeeze-face', 'i have only one shoe' look. b4 now we've had communications probs - she doesnt speak up wen shes not happy abt smthng. u know its like she saying "being married to dis guy is making me go thru hell" wenever i raise concern abt her look and tell her dat our (my) best is still ahead she brightens up for some days and soon she relapses.
I really do appreciate wat she's doing but her demeanor is killing me! u know its like making a sacrifice with a sad face. I know im a guy but I av knelt down in tears b4 in prayers to God abt this.

so dear ladies - marriage isnt so much abt wat material things the guy can bring to the table - its abt "connecting" and "staying connected" in riches and challenges.
the only fair way to rationalise this is dat women are not built to be the breadwinner at any particular time or period of time. She knows dat things will get beta but i guess she's just wired like so.(like every woman).

Everybody dosnt think alike. it depends on the mentality of the people involved. sometimes it can be veryy difficult especially if the wife isnt helping matters.the best thing as the man is to keep your head intact and look for a smart way to get out of that situation-

@poster
Note that you said wife has financial upperhand presently,
then that means you are hopeful that you will soon begin to do better whether by getting
a new job or going into business. So, when you start to earn more than your wife, how do
you expect her to feel? Normal, right? Then you should also feel very normal and comfortable
and thank God for keeping your secret safe in your home. What if your wife wasn't working
and your neck is full in debts? You'll run to In-laws, neighbours and friends, huh? Then, you'll
understand that marriage is not a one-man affair. So go ahead and appreciate your wife but
don't relent in your own pursuits.

gberedu:

Hmm - Im in a somelike fix too - n pluto04 is rite: women aint built for such situations AT ALL!
I smiled wen I read so many female responses - sure they sound and mean well but wen the cards are on d table its a diff ball game all 2geda.

I am btw jobs now was into investments (shares n forex etc) we all know wats up with those bizneses (i lost millions)- so i dust my cert (im a petroleum engr) and sent out applications and now I av 2 jobs in d pipeline but entry level. (dis means my income level has dropped)
Now, my wifey has been Godsent - her job has bn d only income source n she has neva complained abt running d bills BUT for d past recent 4months she carries dis 'squeeze-face', 'i have only one shoe' look. b4 now we've had communications probs - she doesnt speak up wen shes not happy abt smthng. u know its like she saying "being married to dis guy is making me go thru hell" wenever i raise concern abt her look and tell her dat our (my) best is still ahead she brightens up for some days and soon she relapses.
I really do appreciate wat she's doing but her demeanor is killing me! u know its like making a sacrifice with a sad face. I know im a guy but I av knelt down in tears b4 in prayers to God abt this.

so dear ladies - marriage isnt so much abt wat material things the guy can bring to the table - its abt "connecting" and "staying connected" in riches and challenges.
the only fair way to rationalise this is dat women are not built to be the breadwinner at any particular time or period of time. She knows dat things will get beta but i guess she's just wired like so.(like every woman).

so true. i wish i can get the link to the film mama G as ma in law to a guy the wife/daughter was paying rent for.

Brethren, if you permit me to address you that way, we live in a world of possibilities. It is not the worst case scenario. Why the man doesn't relent in is efforts of living up to his responsibilities as the man of the house, he should fairly take the matter to God who made him the head of the home. I know God will be fair to him. and when his breakthrough comes he shouldnt forget the woman. I think this is a good debate. keep up the good work my people.

As long as your wife is in love with you, there'll be no problem.

If she isn't, you'll turn out to be a door mat in the house.

common man!!!!just do ur thing and relax!!! eat well, sleep well, act the man well and all will get well, u know that word 'it is well', lolzzzz,

Typical Nigerian question.

@poster, I don't think there is a problem with that anyway, Just pray to GOD for a brighter day, Remember,she is your WIFE and not your GIRLFRIEND, If you are legally married,don't feel bad about it, who knows,she might be your angel in times of trouble, perhaps thats y GOD joined u guyz, please let no third party in,

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection,
a little tenderness? It means you’re not in the wrong house.

MR,

Stop looking for trouble where's there's no trouble, you have a good lady, that's what a good women should do.

God forbid, but if you were sick or weren't able to work again for life, wouldn't you want your wife to hold the home? OR do you want her to turn to some other guy to finance the home for you?

Your BLESSED, Stop looking for trouble where's there's none. She's your wife, your situation is only temporarily. And, I believe she supposes you emotionally through this time.

I know of a guy who is well qualified in his field and for 4 years couldn't get a job, but in those times they had a child, he stayed at home to take care of the child, while the wife was working and he was holding the home together, and she never rubbed it in his face, but thank God today he's in a good financial position, and always thanks her for standing by him and not leaving him through his rough times.

Because believe me, some women will turn to other men the moment you stop bringing in the money.

Hmmmmm!!!!! I'm loving this.lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A woman earning more than her darling husband?  Far from it!  when will men in the 3rd world learn their lessons?  I'm so glad the world is getting smaller, and smaller each day.   Don't worry the University of life will educate them all - the current economic situation in the world is here to teach most people good lessons - to change their ways and embrace the blessings God has showered on them both left and right.

Again, it's high time men in the 3rd world begin to respect their women and realise they are as capable as men and it's about time they should grow up - all of them.  You see God has told them, shown them, hinted to them in more than many ways that men and women are EQUAL but DIFFERENT yet, most men are as deaf and blind as a bat to acknowledge this broad day light FACT and thus give women their long over due respect.

Yes, my critics here would ask - have you finished bashing men??  To that, I say 'YES' and now I can give my opinion to the question in hand.lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You see, it doesn't matter who earns more or less in a household - what matters are that you are loved, happy with your wife and care about each other, period.  In fact, I hate to use the word 'partner' because you are a husband and wife and not partners. The word partner is suitably used for live-in lovers, boyfriends and girlfriends of sort which you are no where near this category.  So, stop using words like this to describe yourself because you are above this level.

In my view, there is no need to seek opinions of other people here because you already have influencial role models the world over. For example, the Duke of Edinburgh (Queen Elizabeth II 's husband of more than 60 years, the late Denis Thatcher - The British first woman Prime minister's husband, Margaret Thatcher - the Iron lady, the current United states President - Obama - Michelle his wife was at one point, his mentor and earned more than him when he first joined the law firm she was working for, our beautiful sister - Oprah Winfrey and her life partner (Again, I use this word because they are not married, and many more couples I can not even remember here now - take note!).  Although, you did not explain the kind of relationship your have with your wife at home, we assume it's not acrimonous but loving, peaceful, respectful and that you are not 'CHEATING' on her with other women.  So, I can not see why you should feel less of a man because of this - it all boiled down to 'Confidence', so do something about it and cast away this ignorance that is eating you up and embrace the blessings God has bestowed on you and your household - enjoy it and be proud of it!!!!  Remember, not many men are as lucky as you and many are secretly envying you but you don't know.  Enjoy your blessing, buddy!!!

Theblessed:

Again, it's high time men in the 3rd world begin to respect their women and realise they are as capable as men and it's about time they should grow up - all of them.  You see God has told them, shown them, hinted to them in more than many ways that men and women are EQUAL but DIFFERENT yet, most men are as deaf and blind as a bat to acknowledge this broad day light FACT and thus give women their long over due respect.

@TheBlessed, I want you to understand something,Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.One mustn't criticize other people on grounds where he/she can't stand perpendicular himself/herself because "A critic is someone who never actually goes to the battle,yet who afterwards comes out shooting the wounded”Don't criticize what you don't understand, dearie. You never walked in that man's shoes.”

My brother is in those shoes and he is seeing real hell

That is the reality

@igaro

I think it is a blessing that your wife is in a financial position to do those financial things for the family. Try to financially position yourself better, so you will feel better about your financial contribution as a husband. Most men are not comfortable if their wife is pulling most of the financial obligations in the family. I personally do not think a woman should carry the bulk of the financial obligations in a marriage myself--although I believe a woman should help out financially. The cost of living (in America) is high, and it usually takes both husband and wife working together to handle the expenses.

pmdaboh:

@igaro

I think it is a blessing that your wife is in a financial position to do those financial things for the family. Try to financially position yourself better, so you will feel better about your financial contribution as a husband. Most men are not comfortable if their wife is pulling most of the financial obligations in the family. I personally do not think a woman should carry the bulk of the financial obligations in a marriage myself--although I believe a woman should help out financially. The cost of living (in America) is high, and it usually takes both husband and wife working together to handle the expenses.

@pmdaboh, oku lakaaye jare omo oluwabi, iwo l'ogbon ni tie, You are making sense jare

Say what you all like but no responsbile man wants to hand over financial responsibility to his wife or kids. That is the way we were created.

Having said that, thank God for the kinda wife you got and keep praying for her . . . . dont slack, keep looking for a better job.

If she truly is a good wife, as long as she knows ur making desperate attempts to improve your situation, bills are being paid with little or no stress, all will be well - problems arise when all you do is eat, sleep and watch tv while the wife is struggling and debts start piling up.

Also keep people out of your business in that situation - they can do nothing but more harm to the love you share.

Please dont relax. Make sure your trying to get a better job if it really does matter to you and your combined income is not enough for your livelihood.

Good luck.
_______________________________________________________________

I have tried to read between the lines and I must say I am deeply worried about one thing:everybody claims to be an

expert to every issues.I am going to be decent and civil in my response.

One, you only give out what you have.Do you seek a piece of advice from the one who is not married in an issue that

bothers on marital hitch?certainly not.I wonder how many of these 'marriage counselors' are married?

Both bsala001 and gberedu corroborated the writer's fear with own personal stories but none is paying attention.What

everyone is interested at is typing, typing, and type anything!

To Igalo: communication is the mainstay of a marital bliss.Communicate your fear with your wife,be matured about your

approach,worry less about what people say and perhaps talk to a marriage counselor.

Good luck.

Dapo4u:

I have tried to read between the lines and I must say I am deeply worried about one thing:everybody claims to be an

expert to every issues.I am going to be decent and civil in my response.

One, you only give out what you have.Do you seek a piece of advice from the one who is not married in an issue that

bothers on marital hitch?certainly not.I wonder how many of these 'marriage counselors' are married?

Both bsala001 and gberedu corroborated the writer's fear with own personal stories but none is paying attention.What

everyone is interested at is typing, typing, and type anything!

To Igalo: communication is the mainstay of a marital bliss.Communicate your fear with your wife,be matured about your

approach,worry less about what people say and perhaps talk to a marriage counselor.

Good luck.

A marriage councelor will only repeat what some have already mentioned on this forum and then charge hourly fees.

What the poster needs to do is go thru these posts, take what he feels his ideal for him and discard the rest. What worked for A might not necessarily be applicable for B and we are all very unique in our beings and relationships.

That's what anonymous forums are for - let people give their ideas and suggestions, think them over then decide on your best line of action.

Having said that, I aint against councelors. I'm just saving the brother some money.

God help us all.

Why pay for a marriage counselor (for they are not free) if you can get good, sound advice. I, for one, am married. To me, the poster does "not" feel comfortable about how much money his wife is paying out for the family; for if he did, he would not need anyone's opinion to confirm something he is absolutely comfortable with.

Who would pay the marriage counselor in this case, the wife? How would he be able to open up when he knows he is receiving counseling from the funds his wife dished out--which is why they would be there in the first place (wife paying for most things in the marriage at this point and time).

Let him read all the responses, judge in himself which advice he deems valuable for himself, and follow that if it is something he wants to try. But it is definitely a husband's responsibility to provide for his family, and if a husband is not doing that or unable to do that, for one reason or the other, it should bother him. I think it's good that it bothers him, for that speaks volumes of his character.

Keeping looking for a job, and do not relent until you find one. Finding a job is a full-time job.

be proud of her. you guys are a team. were all going through the tough times. be there for her help her out. you guys are in it for the good times n bad times.

@ pmdaboh and Kokoye, I am quite impressed by your submission.I for one would not welcome a third party on marital in my home, the farther you keep

away from the third parties, the better for your marriage.But in some cases, you may want to confide in someone who has a wealth of experience in marital

issues, who is not necessarily a paid 'marriage counselor'.In fact most religious organizations have capacities to deal with these exigencies.

Nonetheless, I respect you guys opinions.

this is from experience, if the woman is really good before i can guarantee you once she starts getting ahead of the man 99% of the time she will change, and that change is always bad for the man and the family. its sad, i gave my wife of 13years everything and i mean everything because she was very good to me and i want the best for her, she never worked for the whole time we were together and we were very happy, to cut story short she became financially independent and she totally changed from the person i knew for the past thirteen years, trust me good girl turned bad, presently i'm in hell i pray i'm not stuck in it.

nethacker:

@TheBlessed, I want you to understand something,Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.One mustn't criticize other people on grounds where he/she can't stand perpendicular himself/herself because "A critic is someone who never actually goes to the battle,yet who afterwards comes out shooting the wounded”Don't criticize what you don't understand, dearie. You never walked in that man's shoes.”

Right, how do you mean by 'lack of ambition' for seeking equality and recognition?  Is it because they are women?  Pity that you and men your kind do not think women are equal and capable in many ways as you.  God created us equally in his own image - got it So if we are Gods image - men and women, we are also equal in many ways  but different. Now, go and die if you're not happy with God's arrangement.  The world is changing buddy.  I have listed examples for your ignorant head to learn from, you better change your ways else, the boat will leave you behind to catch up later.  Women are as equal and capable as men therefore do not lack any ambitions for asking to be acknowledged and respected.  It would take 3rd world men time to get use to this kind of idea and they will, eventually.  It only takes a sensible man to appreciate and respect women obviously, you're not in that category but you will learn soon just as this guy is learning.  Cast away you BIG Ego, humble yourself and deal with your confidence situation - you 'd be fine, ok!!!

arsenal12:

this is from experience, if the woman is really good before i can guarantee you once she starts getting ahead of the man 99% of the time she will change, and that change is always bad for the man and the family. its sad, i gave my wife of 13years everything and i mean everything because she was very good to me and i want the best for her, she never worked for the whole time we were together and we were very happy, to cut story short she became financially independent and she totally changed from the person i knew for the past thirteen years, trust me good girl turned bad, presently i'm in hell i pray i'm not stuck in it.

Wow!! This poster needs some help and encouragement.
I really dont know what to say in this kind of situation cos I dont know the details of it. A wife changes after 13yrs due to financial independence . . . and you never notice she had this streak in her all along?

scary , after 13years

Well, keep your head up brother. Hell is not for you and you will surely get out of your present situation by God's grace.

Very interesting how the opinions are clearly divided b/w the males and the females.
The fact remains that the women will never understand how a man truely feels in such a situation
Ladies, it's all genetic (nature) so even though there is nothing to worry about,the man is destined to feel exactly that way.
Likewise,under normal circumstances any woman will like a male partner that earns more
(women generally prefer to 'look up' when looking at their partners)

Men are designed to take care of their loved ones AND WOMEN LKE BEING TAKEN CARE OF.(its so blatant that it even shows in the physique)
That's just the way it is irrespective of efforts towards equality,feminism and so on.

bsala00

What area of IT do you work in ?

nor be new thing na?

When you have AN UNDERSTANDING of what marriage is and entails, it will not bother you if your wife earns more than you do it matters not.

You are not in competition with your wife anyway.

You hold the "stick" at both ends.

You have to be up and doing though, not just sitting around the home all day with your legs up.

As a business man, I have found out that even though my wife's salary is bigger than mine, I can actually do a single job which will out strip all of her two year salary.

When you have AN UNDERSTANDING of what marriage is and entails, it will not bother you if your wife earns more than you do it matters not.

You are not in competition with your wife anyway. The wife too must not "abuse" the position.

You hold the "stick" at both ends.

You have to be up and doing though, not just sitting around the home all day with your legs up.

As a business man, I have found out that even though my wife's salary is bigger than mine, I can actually do a single job which will out strip all of her two year salary.