Today I observed a grown professional try so desperately to diffuse an itch on his buttocks during a company round table meeting.

His facial expressions told the story like no other…they depicted a man who was prepared to ignore all sense of morality, unzip his pants and slide his claws down his backside to ease himself. Unfortunately, hierarchical proceedings would not allow it. The round table had some very important people sitting around it…even a justified dash to the bathroom would be viewed as shocking and unbelievable and could lead to some dire consequences.

I must say, however, that he was extremely determined but lacked a bit on the creative side and you’ll soon see why. To further complicate his already embarrassing situation, I made sure to keep my gaze on him and let him know that I was indeed ‘private eyes.’ And as you know, “private eyes, they’re watching you…they see your every move…” and they know exactly what you’re attempting. My starring made him very uncomfortable as if I was watching him defecate. I apologize for the toilet humor but his itch and effort was worth mentioning.

Now, let’s try and examine step by step how our brave itch soldier tried to defeat his enemy:

First he tried a circular dance… He accomplished this by holding on to the seat handles as firmly as he could while rubbing his buttocks counterclockwise as furiously as possible across the surface of the seat also as quietly and as secretively as he could. He noticed I was still watching him so he decided against that method after 2 or 3 intense circulations. His itch persisted.

Secondly, he tried bouncing ever so slowly up and down the seat to create friction between the itch and surface of the seat. That also seemed to fail as it simply looked as if his butt cheeks were having an intense back and forth vibration exchange with the seat.

Next, he tried something that would work best if he needed to scratch his frontal region rather than his back side. He took off his jacket, draped it over his lap and somehow tried to maneuver his left hand through the jacket and towards his rear end…That was even more obvious and more so awkward than his previous 2 attempts so he quickly dismissed it.

His only saving grace was the fact that the meeting was happening after lunch and everyone was extremely sleepy from the effects of food comma and paid little attention to him…Even I was so sleepy that I started begging Jesus to take the wheels of my eyelids and keep them open. I dozed off at least 3 times but woke up…just in time to observe our itch lord struggle with his itchy plague.

After about 20 minutes or so of itch-hell, his facial expressions made it clear that he’s had enough. He immediately stood up as if to ponder over the discussion topic at hand and then walked to one corner of the room. He then leaned against the wall with his palms position behind him facing his buttocks… In one smooth and swift motion, he took several quick bites of his buttocks with his claws while trying not to look too obvious…as he released his grip, you could see signs of victorious relief across his face. He has indeed done it.

But then he glanced at me and knew instantly that I’ve been watching him the entire time and I will not hesitate to tell his story from my perspective… It was indeed the itch Worth mentioning.

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