Re: Usman - A Short Psychological Thriller Script By TheFilmmaker by mexyk(m): 9:05pm On Jun 12, 2015 |
This is epic. More ink to ur pen |
Re: Usman - A Short Psychological Thriller Script By TheFilmmaker by Nobody: 9:18pm On Jun 12, 2015 |
Omotayor123:
I don't really understand the message... can you explain pls Read it again. |
Re: Usman - A Short Psychological Thriller Script By TheFilmmaker by lexan1(m): 9:23pm On Jun 12, 2015 |
There was no link to the friend, I mean it's qood, but there should be a link to his friend ade and his dad's memory, considerinq the fact that the mum was real before, but he killed her, and now his son, so, ade should be someone that was also real, not just pure imaqination...I dunno how to explain, but it's beautifully scary tho |
Re: Usman - A Short Psychological Thriller Script By TheFilmmaker by danielous(m): 9:25pm On Jun 12, 2015 |
VillageBoi: How come I've read this somewhere before? Deja vu |
Re: Usman - A Short Psychological Thriller Script By TheFilmmaker by Gabrendo(m): 9:56pm On Jun 12, 2015 |
Wow! cool. Usman's father is obviously insane. Love the revealing end tail. Usman's father killed his mother as well |
Re: Usman - A Short Psychological Thriller Script By TheFilmmaker by Gabrendo(m): 10:02pm On Jun 12, 2015 |
On scrutiny now. Fade out should come at the end of the story i guess,all through capitalization of characters name shouldn't ensue after introducing the character, and cut some slug lines to other paragraphs to enhance clarity. |
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Re: Usman - A Short Psychological Thriller Script By TheFilmmaker by Nobody: 10:12pm On Jun 12, 2015 |
Interestingly scary. The man has psychological problems. |
Re: Usman - A Short Psychological Thriller Script By TheFilmmaker by Omotayor123(f): 10:29pm On Jun 12, 2015 |
cnario:
Read it again.
not nice |
Re: Usman - A Short Psychological Thriller Script By TheFilmmaker by trusted(m): 10:58pm On Jun 12, 2015 |
Weldone Collins. Good work u've got here. How about ur other work? |
Re: Usman - A Short Psychological Thriller Script By TheFilmmaker by Nobody: 11:34pm On Jun 12, 2015 |
phemocheee: Am l the only person that doesn't understand this? no u r not |
Re: Usman - A Short Psychological Thriller Script By TheFilmmaker by TheFilmmaker: 7:47am On Jun 13, 2015 |
VillageBoi: How come I've read this somewhere before? Hi check the copyright. This is Duru Collins. I sent the first draft to you via Facebook. |
Re: Usman - A Short Psychological Thriller Script By TheFilmmaker by TheFilmmaker: 8:20am On Jun 13, 2015 |
ugojamali: Nice nice story. Like Paranoia this is chilling any blood cuddling. Now who's crazy hahahaha? At first I thought the boy was crazy but then... What a sick father. Classic.
Just work on your script formatting a bit... For example most of those words in parenthesis shouldn't be there. You may want to do away with most of the parenthesis.
Also in the beginning you described Usman as obviously bright. Good. But you're telling us, not showing us. You should be able to visually show us why you say that Usman is bright. I suppose I got carried away. It's show not tell. I'll remember to keep that in mind. Regarding the formatting, I still suck at that. I'll work on it. Thanks a ton for your input. |
Re: Usman - A Short Psychological Thriller Script By TheFilmmaker by TheFilmmaker: 8:22am On Jun 13, 2015 |
phemocheee: Am l the only person that doesn't understand this? Omotayor123:
same here ooo That's why it is a thriller. Get used to it. |
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Re: Usman - A Short Psychological Thriller Script By TheFilmmaker by VillageBoi(m): 10:19pm On Jun 13, 2015 |
TheFilmmaker:
Hi check the copyright.
This is Duru Collins. I sent the first draft to you via Facebook. Ah, no wonder... Couldn't recognise the username 'TheFilmmaker'... and didn't look at the bottom of the script. Glad you changed the characters names from those silly white names to Nigerian names. 2 Likes |
Re: Usman - A Short Psychological Thriller Script By TheFilmmaker by TheFilmmaker: 10:58pm On Jun 13, 2015 |
VillageBoi:
Ah, no wonder... Couldn't recognise the username 'TheFilmmaker'... and didn't look at the bottom of the script.
Glad you changed the characters names from those silly white names to Nigerian names. Lol, bro that is racist....haha. Glad you understand now |
Re: Usman - A Short Psychological Thriller Script By TheFilmmaker by VillageBoi(m): 1:24am On Jun 14, 2015 |
TheFilmmaker:
Lol, bro that is racist....haha. Glad you understand now Hahahaha, yes oh... it's very racist of us to be ashamed to use our wonderful traditional names Liked it before... loving it as it is now. Well done. |
Re: Usman - A Short Psychological Thriller Script By TheFilmmaker by Harvard13(m): 11:06am On Jun 14, 2015 |
phemocheee: Am l the only person that doesn't understand this? nope. i dont get it. how are ade nd mummy not real?? |
Re: Usman - A Short Psychological Thriller Script By TheFilmmaker by Tashaamania(f): 6:22pm On Jun 15, 2015 |
Wow! This is gooood! Really a nice piece. Welldone |
Re: Usman - A Short Psychological Thriller Script By TheFilmmaker by hahn(m): 10:40am On Jun 16, 2015 |
TheFilmmaker:
Lol, bro that is racist....haha. Glad you understand now I agree with villageboi. It is important that Nigerian names are used by Nigerian writers. It gives a more original feel to the story and will also raise the curiosity of foreigners when they happen to read it. Ill also advice you add some background noises like "generators could be heard from the next compound", "mosquitoes flying/sucking", "the candle light was on because nepa hadn't brought light in a while". That sort of thing |
Re: Usman - A Short Psychological Thriller Script By TheFilmmaker by Nobody: 1:18pm On Jun 18, 2015 |
Just to inform you guys that we're making the Usman Short film soon.
If you're based in Lagos and want to be a part of this, please indicate, stating what you're good at. 1 Like |
Re: Usman - A Short Psychological Thriller Script By TheFilmmaker by Brimmie(m): 11:20pm On Dec 19, 2015 |
TheFilmmaker: Hello.
I've had this script for a while and I will appreciate criticism in anyway and for you deem fit. Um, this is not the final draft...You're permitted to point out any glaring mistakes and I will re-edit accordingly.
Thank you.
A brightly lit DINNING ROOM. The table is lavishly set for THREE. USMAN, an obviously bright 7 year old kid with short hair, and large bright eyes; a more older, butch MAN, probably in his early forties is munching something. A tired frail-looking older WOMAN is sitting opposite the MAN,(possibly the MAN's wife)wearing a shawl and is using the cutlery, her gaze forlorn.
There is an eerie silence, except for the clatter of dishes and cutlery. CANDLES FLICKER a bit.
MAN (VO)
My son, Usman, is only 7 years old, and he’s never really had a friend...
USMAN (splutters, then coughs)
MAN (fumbles with cutlery)
So, you were going to say something, Usman.
USMAN (munching, between mouthfuls)
Uh, yeah I...think I made a new friend at school today.
WOMAN (beams, drops cutlery, rearranges her shawl)
BEAT
Now, that is amazing, USMAN. What is his name?
USMAN (silence)
MAN
Yes USMAN, that was very nice. Tell me about it...about this...new friend.
BEAT
Is he into sports? Is he Hausa?
USMAN
No, I..I don't think so. I don't really know. We just started talking. He's very good at maths, though.
MAN (shares excited glances with WOMAN)
Nice, my boy. Come on, eat up.
USMAN
His name is ADE. Can I invite him to dinner tomorrow?
WOMAN (brights up)
Why, yes. That would be good, my boy.
DISHES CLATTER while USMAN tries to consume as much as possible before heading to the sink. MAN and WOMAN look bewildered.
It's drizzling outside. USMAN is visibly happy. Right beside him is a nice looking little boy. Almost same age. Bright eyes. USMAN motions forward. Takes off his coat. They both steps into - -
USMAN
Hi, Dad. This is Ade!
MAN (surprised)
WOW! Hi, Ade
(To ADE, offers his hand)
How are you doing, er...
ADE (silent)
USMAN (ice cold stare)
Ade isn't real, dad.
MAN (taken aback, repressed shock)
What... Oh. Welcome Ade. Never mind, USMAN. He's just being a funny host.
(looks tense)
USMAN looks bitter, and walks off to his room. ADE walks behind him, not saying a word.
LATER
[b]USMAN is giving both the MAN and WOMAN mean looks. ADE is helping himself with a half filled plate. He doesn't say anything. His gaze is fixed on the table. USMAN has his fork held in a menacing position. Both the MAN and WOMAN look tense but act uninterested.
USMAN (irritated)
Why did you give Ade a plate? Ade’s not real.
MAN (dazed, startled)
BEAT
Why did you invite Ade over if you’re just going to be rude?
(extends his arms, giving up)
That's not a nice way to treat friends...
USMAN returns to eating his yams. Unfazed. SUDDENLY-
USMAN
Stop being weird! There is no Ade!
MAN (visibly fed up)
Now listen little champ. You've got to be polite to your friend or you would be grounded for a week. No video games, no rec. And no noddles. OK
(to ADE)
I am sorry for your friend's behavior, really. How's the meal, Ade?
ADE says nothing. Smiles back. Faintly. SUDDENLY USMAN grabs ADE’s plate and heads to the sink. ADE does not protest.
WOMAN
USMAN! USMAN!!! What rubbish/nonsense is this? What is wrong with you tonight? (shrieks)
Go into your room, USMAN. NOW! USMAN...!
WOMAN storms out of the dinning and follows USMAN to the KITCHEN. She steps into the --
ALMOST INSTANTLY, USMAN HURLS ADE’s plate at the WOMAN'S head. The plate misses, hits the wall and shatters. USMAN is fuming with fury. The WOMAN is in complete shock, petrified.
WOMAN
(pants, screams wide eyed)
(exclaims in Hausa language)
MAN comes blazing from the dining, horrified at the WOMAN's composure. Casts a glance at USMAN, who is still fuming. The WOMAN is in complete shock. She mutters something inaudibly, her bulging eyes darts from USMAN to a fat butcher knife right next to him.
MAN
Fatima...what! Are you Crazy? USMAN! What has taken over you!
(Supports the WOMAN from falling backwards, helps her rest, terrified.)
WOMAN
I'll be alright...
Stands on her feet, heads upstairs. MAN turns to USMAN, who is now crying, sobbing profusely.
USMAN (between sobs)
Why did you yell at me?
MAN (confused, clenched teeth)
I’m sorry USMAN. But what you tried to do to your mother is inexcusable.
USMAN (sniffs)
But… but she’s not real…
MAN (freezes up)
WHAT?
USMAN
Like… like Ade my friend. I made him up like you made mommy up. I wanted you to see how weird it was to make someone up. But you didn’t even notice...
MAN (outraged)
What the f*** are you talking about?!
USMAN (muffled sobs and sniffing)
Y-you got really sad when mommy left and wanted to take me with her, and then you left to talk to her and I never saw her again. You’ve been acting like she’s been here, but--
MAN (stunned)
SHUT UP!!!
With lightening force, MAN slams USMAN’s head down against the tile floor. Immediately, a sharp cracking sound is heard. USMAN flips, no longer breathing, his eyes glassy. Mouth agape. There is a deep bloody gash on his forehead. Blood gushes out. MAN is shocked, unable to grasp what has just happened a few seconds ago. Stares at his son's limp lifeless body. Scampers around, grabs a shovel, and carries the dead body out to the--
MAN begins to dig the soil. Five shovel-full of soil out and a face of a FEMALE corpse appears under. MAN panics and quickly fills up the dug space. MAN vanishes into the dark distance carrying dead USMAN.
Ade still sitting. Unfazed.
MAN
(staggers and pants heavily. Stop short in front of ADE. Regains composure. His face is a bit smudged with mud and sweat. Wipes his forehead with a stained kerchief. takes a deep breath)
Ade, how would you like to be my new son?
ADE smiles again.
Copyright© 2015 Duru Collins. All Rights Reserved.
I'm late to the party. |
Re: Usman - A Short Psychological Thriller Script By TheFilmmaker by VillageBoi(m): 7:41pm On Dec 20, 2015 |
Brimmie:
I'm late to the party. No problem. It's still a brilliant script. Can't wait to see the short when its done! |
Re: Usman - A Short Psychological Thriller Script By TheFilmmaker by TheFilmmaker: 8:13pm On Dec 27, 2015 |
VillageBoi:
No problem. It's still a brilliant script. Can't wait to see the short when its done! The prospective producer backed away. |