My phone rang. I looked at the screen; it was
Lilian.
Alright, let me explain who Lilian is.
She is my she-buddy. Like, you know, that type
of girl you meet and somehow somehow two of
you just friend-zone yourselves. I had met her
at...when did I meet her sef? can't remember
now sha. I think it was in a seminar or
something.
Thing is - she is a pain in the ass; trust me.
I picked up the phone up and received the call.
"Dude what's up" I said into the mouthpiece.
"Mumu". She fired back. "Who be dude"
"You na" I replied.
"I no blame you". She said. "Where are you?"
"My house". I replied.
"Where in your house?" she asked. I removed the
phone from my ears and looked at it. Which kain
mumu question be this one.
"Which kain mumu question be that". I asked,
bringing the phone back to my ear.
"Answer joor". She said.
"I'm in my room". I told her. There was silence at
her end for a moment, then she returned.
"That your mumu online business is taking too
much of your time. I know how boring your life is
right now. Ashually, The lord has sent me to
deliver you"
"You don't mean it". I mumbled.
"See eh. You don ever go a private movie
viewing before?"
"What is private movie viewing?" I asked her.
"You see, you dull" she said. "Your kpako-ness is
out of this world. Anyways. Some of my friends
at GRA are throwing this PMV. Na film. As in,
private cinema. At their house. Get ready, pass
by my house let's go together"
"I'm not coming. I'm busy."
"Cut that your hair." she said. " you no go carry
that bushy thing follow me o"
And the phone went dead. I Dialed her number.
For where, the mumu just busied the thing. This
girl sha, I thought. I looked at my wardrobe.
Wetin I go wear sef. She was right, I have been
staying indoors too much.
I stood up from my desk and went to my ward-
robe. O boy, all my clothes dirty o. I searched,
and found something which would be just cool. I
removed it from the hanger and threw it on my
bed.
Thank God say light dey. The shit dey rumple
die. I glanced at the mirror. Czar, my mind voice
said, you no see the kind bush you carry for
head?
I decided to take Lilian's advice and see a
barber.
3 hours later, I was at Lilian's house - all dressed
up. Plus I had gone to barb my hair and this
dude had used my hair for practice. The carving
looked funny from the left.
First thing Lilian said when she saw me was ;
"You have killed me. What is this?"
"What is what?" I asked, thinking it was the hair
"You are putting on a shirt and a trouser"
I looked at myself.
"And so? "
"You have completely fall my hand, Czar. Jehova.
This stuff is an informal something and you go
dress like you want to go for an interview"
"Let's go joor" I told her. She was wearing a
bum short and a short sleeve casual Polo. Truth
be told, standing near her I kinda looked over
dressed. But mehn, na only this shit been neat
for my ward-robe abeg.
We trekked out of her house to the road, then
stopped a taxi and got in. Lilian gave the driver
directions and the cab drove off.
I looked at Lilian. "Who go pay?" I asked.
"You this mumu igbo stingy boy. Use yourself
answer that question"
"You are a chicken". I told her.
"You are a butterfly" she said. And we changed
the topic. When we got to GRA it was 1.05pm.
The driver drove into an extremely Behind street
and I cringed. Oh men.
"Wait, babe. You talk say your friend live here?" I
asked.
"Yeah. Why?"
"Because you is a kpako na". I told her. "Kpakos
don't have ajebo friends"
"Hey, watch it". She said. "I'm a lady. E don do"
I laughed. "Lady ko. If I smell"
The taxi stopped in front of a big gate. We got,
Lilian all of a sudden started searching her pulse
like her money had evaporated. I shook my headt
and paid. She smiled.
"Good boy" she said. I no talk, she was definitely
going to pay for the fare back.
We knocked at the gate and an eye appeared in
a round hole on the gate. Lilian raised our IV to
the hole. The eye withdrew, then a moment of
noise and metal pulling and the gate was open.
As I walked into the compound, what I saw made
me loose my breath....
To Be Continued.