Conversation between Jonathan and his aide 2
BY OUR REPORTER ON AUGUST 9, 2015 BACK PAGE / COLUMNS, FUNKE EGBEMODE
YOU know you can trust me to bring you hot gists, fresh from the oven? Swear that you have not wondered what former President Goodluck Jonathan is doing with his days. See, you can’t. Have you not also wished you knew how his former aides are doing with President Buhari threatening to probe the last administration? Like a good servant-writer, I bring you a slice of the cake…

Good morning, your excellency.

Good morning, what are you doing here so early in the day? It’s not my birthday, is it?

No sir…

That is what I thought, or Patience would have reminded me.

Actually sir, we came to see you on an urgent matter of national importance.

You brought a matter of urgent matter of na­tional importance to Otuoke? Very hilarious. What will you now take to Abuja or Daura?

Well, this is a matter that you can fix sir .

As a former president and private citizen? Did your wife leave you or you want to marry a new one?

No, it is something more serious and I’m actually rep­resenting your former aides and ministers. They are all aware that I’m here. Indeed, they sent me with this special message.

Alright then, I presume that you guys are forming a union, like Association of Jonathan’s Ex-aides?

Not really but we are all working together on this issue.

Hmmn, that is a good thing. You guys will need one another now that we are all out in the cold.

Exactly sir, that is why I have been sent to bring to your attention the plight of some of the people who worked with you. We are being hounded and harassed by the new man in the Villa, they are searching our houses, digging up all kinds of files and threatening our lives.

I’m aware of a couple of arrests and searches. I still read the newspapers, you know?

That is it sir. This new government is making our lives miserable. It is following us everywhere with searchlight. In fact, I can boldly say our lives are no longer safe.

That means you are a bold liar.

Sir?

I’ve not heard or read anywhere that anybody has held guns to your heads. So, your lives are safe. Is it not just questions you are being asked? Provide the answers and get on with your life and let me get on with my retirement.

It’s not as simple as that sir. When these people sur­round our homes and invade our privacies, our blood pres­sure shoots up and that can lead to stroke which can lead to death. And we do not deserve to die now sir.

Chaaai, did you rehearse that last part?

No, not really but this is a very serious matter sir.

You’ve said that several times already but I still don’t see how this concerns me, Jonathan, or where the husband of Dame Patience comes in. Or you want me to call Gani Adams in La­gos to send OPC people to guard you and your houses?

We want you to intervene.

How?

We want you to talk to the man in the Villa, President-to-President.

You mean former president to present presi­dent?

We need you to tell him to let us be. His security agen­cies should stop trailing us and our wives. We are sure that it is just a matter of one phone call from you sir.

Are you high on something so early in the morning?

No sir.

You are sure you have not smoked some de­signer stuff or taken more than one than swig of cognac?

Nothing sir. In fact, I am fasting sir. We are all fasting and praying over this matter.

Wonderful! What about vigil?

That too sir. We all held a vigil on Friday so that you will consider this request I brought today.

Aaaah, God did not answer your prayers.

Sir?

I said God did not answer your prayers be­cause I will not call any president, former or serv­ing to beg on your behalf.

Please sir, don’t abandon us in our time of need, we…

Wonders shall never end, me, Jonathan the husband of Patience should not abandon you in your time of need? Where were all of you when I needed you most? Where were you when the house we were supposed to be building was falling?

We were there holding the rafters and packing sand sir.

No, you were all stealing blocks and roofing sheets to build your own individual houses. You were not loyal.

In fact, we are still loyal. We were all very devastated when we lost the election sir. It was a sad day indeed.

Hmmmn, Mr loyal aide, since I left the Villa, did you visit until now that the Tall One started doing ‘general checking’?

Well, I went on vacation with my family. You know I couldn’t go on leave for years because I was loyally work­ing for you sir.

So, you want me to put my hands in the fire­place and draw the attention of everybody to myself by going to Abuja to beg the Tall One to leave my former aides alone? Have you no shame? If you had all done what you were sup­posed to do the way you were supposed to do them, will we be outside the Villa?

We did our best, sir.

Running rings round me and feathering your own nests until you made me look incompe­tent?

It’s not like that, sir.

And I agree with you, but you must also agree with me that only the guilty are afraid.

How?

Haven’t you noticed that it is not everybody that worked with me that is being hunted? It is only those of you who have skeletons in your closets that can no longer sleep at night. I sym­pathise with you but you guys have done enough damage to me, my family and my name and I’m old enough to know when to cut my losses.

In other words, you will not intervene in this matter? You will watch this government drag us to jail, take every­thing away from us?

No now, you said you worked hard and you were loyal to me, why would that lead to jail? Since when did hard work become highway to Kirikiri?

Oga, please forgive whatever sins we committed. God will give you long life, protect…

Shhhh, when did you become a prayer warrior sef, you that we all know as General Overseer of the Sinners Chapel? If all of you were doing godly things, would you be seeing masquerades in your dreams?

We are all now born again.

That is good news. Now, go back to church and rev up the prayers because you’ll be need­ing plenty of it in the days ahead.

Can we just ignore these politicians

When a man who has a large boil on his forehead but prefers to concentrate on a small pimple is a man whose judgement you can’t trust. A man carrying elephant on his head and looking for ants with his feet is a man whose priorities are not balanced. I am beginning to worry about the things some Nigerians are focussing on in the last few months. If, for instance, we want regular power supply, should we be focussing on where a woman bought her wrist watch? If we want a year when we will have no doc­tors’ strike, does it really matter what language the Minister for Heath speak? But we let politicians plant stuff in our head, things that work for them and them only and then we start prancing about like a horse that just stepped into a pit full of ants. We really should start watching out for ourselves because politicians watch out for themselves.

Take the case of the new Director-General of Depart­ment of State Service, Lawan Daura, and the stories of his political affiliations. So, he’s in APC or PDP and that will mean he can’t do the job, right? His predecessors in of­fice, were we really happy with them? Did they do their jobs well or they failed us? And if they failed us, was it because they belonged to political parties or they didn’t? If my memory is still good, Nigerians are hardly pleased with the heads of their security agencies whether they wear caps or go about bare-headed and politicians can always find a reason why a particular candidate should not be appointed. If for instance we remove Daura today, politicians will still come up with objections to the new one. PDP used to be at the receiving end, now they are forcing APC to reap what it once sowed. Poor Mr Daura simply got caught in the cross fire. And APC aint see nothing because PDP will fault all the appointments Buhari will make in the coming weeks. It’s what opposition parties do and PDP is just warming up. But can we just ignore politicians and their antics and focus on securing this country and if Mr Daura, or any appointee for that matter fails us, we can collectively dragged them to Golgotha and nail them to any available tree.

Ok

Who wrote this script?

Creative

yrret:
Who wrote this script?

Funke Egbemode

nice joke capable of making a nice nollywood movie...Op, cast me in this one.

Lanretoye:
nice joke capable of making a nice nollywood movie...Op, cast me in this one.

Ok