YOU know you can trust me to bring you hot gists, fresh from the oven?
Swear that you have not wondered
what former President Goodluck
Jonathan is doing with his days. See,
you can’t. Have you not also wished
you knew how his former aides are doing with President Buhari
threatening to probe the last
administration? Like a good servant-
writer, I bring you a slice of the cake… Good morning, your excellency. Good morning, what are you doing
here so early in the day? It’s not
my birthday, is it? No sir… That is what I thought, or
Patience would have reminded
me. Actually sir, we came to see you on an
urgent matter of national importance. You brought a matter of urgent
matter of national importance to
Otuoke? Very hilarious. What will
you now take to Abuja or Daura? Well, this is a matter that you can fix
sir . As a former president and private
citizen? Did your wife leave you
or you want to marry a new one? No, it is something more serious and
I’m actually representing your former
aides and ministers. They are all
aware that I’m here. Indeed, they sent
me with this special message. Alright then, I presume that you
guys are forming a union, like
Association of Jonathan’s Ex-
aides? Not really but we are all working
together on this issue. Hmmn, that is a good thing. You
guys will need one another now
that we are all out in the cold. Exactly sir, that is why I have been
sent to bring to your attention the
plight of some of the people who
worked with you. We are being
hounded and harassed by the new
man in the Villa, they are searching our houses, digging up all kinds of files
and threatening our lives. I’m aware of a couple of arrests
and searches. I still read the
newspapers, you know? That is it sir. This new government is
making our lives miserable. It is
following us everywhere with
searchlight. In fact, I can boldly say
our lives are no longer safe. That means you are a bold liar. Sir? I’ve not heard or read anywhere
that anybody has held guns to
your heads. So, your lives are
safe. Is it not just questions you
are being asked? Provide the
answers and get on with your life and let me get on with my
retirement. It’s not as simple as that sir. When
these people surround our homes and
invade our privacies, our blood pres­
sure shoots up and that can lead to
stroke which can lead to death. And
we do not deserve to die now sir. Chaaai, did you rehearse that last
part? No, not really but this is a very serious
matter sir. You’ve said that several times
already but I still don’t see how
this concerns me, Jonathan, or
where the husband of Dame
Patience comes in. Or you want
me to call Gani Adams in Lagos to send OPC people to guard you
and your houses? We want you to intervene. How? We want you to talk to the man in the
Villa, President-to-President. You mean former president to
present president? We need you to tell him to let us be.
His security agencies should stop
trailing us and our wives. We are sure
that it is just a matter of one phone
call from you sir. Are you high on something so
early in the morning? No sir. You are sure you have not
smoked some designer stuff or
taken more than one than swig of
cognac? Nothing sir. In fact, I am fasting sir.
We are all fasting and praying over
this matter. Wonderful! What about vigil? That too sir. We all held a vigil on
Friday so that you will consider this
request I brought today. Aaaah, God did not answer your
prayers. Sir? I said God did not answer your
prayers because I will not call
any president, former or serving
to beg on your behalf. Please sir, don’t abandon us in our
time of need, we… Wonders shall never end, me,
Jonathan the husband of Patience
should not abandon you in your
time of need? Where were all of
you when I needed you most?
Where were you when the house we were supposed to be building
was falling? We were there holding the rafters and
packing sand sir. No, you were all stealing blocks
and roofing sheets to build your
own individual houses. You were
not loyal. In fact, we are still loyal. We were all
very devastated when we lost the
election sir. It was a sad day indeed. Hmmmn, Mr loyal aide, since I left
the Villa, did you visit until now
that the Tall One started doing
‘general checking’? Well, I went on vacation with my
family. You know I couldn’t go on
leave for years because I was loyally
working for you sir. So, you want me to put my hands
in the fireplace and draw the
attention of everybody to myself
by going to Abuja to beg the Tall
One to leave my former aides
alone? Have you no shame? If you had all done what you were sup­
posed to do the way you were
supposed to do them, will we be
outside the Villa? We did our best, sir. Running rings round me and
feathering your own nests until
you made me look incompetent? It’s not like that, sir. And I agree with you, but you
must also agree with me that only
the guilty are afraid. How? Haven’t you noticed that it is not
everybody that worked with me
that is being hunted? It is only
those of you who have skeletons
in your closets that can no longer
sleep at night. I sympathise with you but you guys have done
enough damage to me, my family
and my name and I’m old enough
to know when to cut my losses. In other words, you will not intervene
in this matter? You will watch this
government drag us to jail, take every­
thing away from us? No now, you said you worked hard
and you were loyal to me, why
would that lead to jail? Since
when did hard work become
highway to Kirikiri? Oga, please forgive whatever sins we
committed. God will give you long life,
protect… Shhhh, when did you become a
prayer warrior sef, you that we all
know as General Overseer of the
Sinners Chapel? If all of you were
doing godly things, would you be
seeing masquerades in your dreams? We are all now born again. That is good news. Now, go back
to church and rev up the prayers
because you’ll be needing plenty
of it in the days ahead. Can we just ignore these
politicians

Sauce?

It could have had a meaning and maybe funny

Only if you sorted out the conversations the way Brighter Grammar thought you in your primary school days

Aide: Good Morning Sir

GEJ: Morning jare , how are you

So long I forgot to read

We are watching

SOURCE: Sun newspaper of 11 august, 2015