I have never given her money, its the one she borrowed from my mum she didn't return.

Thanks everybody, really appreciate your inputs.

Sihom. Thanks a lot but seems the only thing that caught your attention is my job status, I won't be so foolish to marry without a job or a solid financial security. Thanks for the time.

Keep telling her you dont have

oromitope26:


When he confronts her won't it look like I back stabbed her? Cos she is always saying I should tell him o. I just need wisdom. Thanks.

U either back stab her nw,or u start learning how to live with borrowing her money,another option is to leave her son and move on

my own opinion is never you tell her son. Anytime she asked you for money tell her things are hard at your end since you are not working. If her son discovered and confronts his mum definately she will know you are the source. she will term you as a betrayer and back staber and can go all out to separate you from her son. Who knows maybe she might be testing you. You never can tell.

2 things..

1. NEVER tell her son. Its called being discreet and having the maturity to handle tough situations alone.

Dont even tell anyone. Just turn her down politely.

2. A repeat of 1, dont tell anybody cos you are go8ng to be married into that family and she is going to be ur mother-in-law for life so show her some respect by not telling any other person.

Wisdom wisdom wisdom.

Double post

WHOcarex:
On another note, e be like say your mother inlaw wan make you dey use style collect money from her son dey give her.

She probably can't ask her son for more because he is already trying. So she wan dey use you get extra from him.

You just nailed it! She is not satisfied with the little the son is giving and knows the wife can get the money from her son. She is aware the lady doesn't work so unless she is to steal, the son is the only one to provide the money. This is a very dangerous precedence if you ask me. What happens when the family finances can no longer accommodate this? The wife becomes evil.

@op if you don't have funds, u don't have to give, but if have : give but make sure to tell her , youre not borrowing her but GIVING her...

Well I see people telling you not to tell her son but from experience similar to yours even worse, my mil steals my money anytime she comes around or if I go see her and she will now borrow money from me again. What solved mine was telling her son, and also informing her that we make all financial decisions TOGETHER, once she knew I can't give her money without my husband's knowledge and vice versa, she stopped asking. There's a reason why it is said the two shall become one in marriage, it is for both of you to fight this kind of battle together, once she senses that division, she will use it a against you with her son.
My husband knew who his mother is and was not surprised when I told him and he made sure his mother saw our togetherness in all things and it's been helping me so far.

oromitope26:
Good morning,

I've been in this relationship and all has been exceptionally beautiful but for my mother-in-law to be. She has this habit of asking me to borrow her money even though she knows am not working yet and then tell me not to tell her son that its a deal between me and her.

This issue is bothering me and I don't know how to stop it. She is a civil servant just like my parents and the two families kind of know each other but not close.

Sometimes 2013 she called my mum to borrow her a certain amount, when my mum told me I immediately told her not to 'cos its a very bad and shameless attitude. Mum felt doing it will be a good thing, after all said she didn't return the money up till date and never called to talk about it. I really felt bad because my mum kept on telling me everyday that she is shameless. I wanted to tell my fiance but I know he will feel so bad.

Last year she called me again that I need to borrow her a certain amount and her son should not know but I told her I don't have. This morning again she called me that she needs to travel urgently and needs money, she said she can't tell her son because he sent money not quiet long and I should not tell him, I just told her immediately that I don't have cos am not working and she said no problem

I don't know if I should call my fiancee attention to this, it is a very bad habit and to me it should not be heard of self, but I know he will feel so bad and confront her. What should I do? She is so nice except for this money ish

Please advice, sorry for the long post.

Cc: Tearoses, kimoni, Bukatyne, Zaynie greatgod2012, Thorpido. Please advice a sister.

If I am to advise,I would say,don't tell him till you are married to him,wait till you enter,den you tell it to him in a loving way,whether we like it or not mothers are in charge of their sons so better not start bad mouthing the mother now ,everyone had a fault, and the fault ain't gonna disappear in a day

oromitope26:
Good morning,

I've been in this relationship and all has been exceptionally beautiful but for my mother-in-law to be. She has this habit of asking me to borrow her money even though she knows am not working yet and then tell me not to tell her son that its a deal between me and her.

This issue is bothering me and I don't know how to stop it. She is a civil servant just like my parents and the two families kind of know each other but not close.

Sometimes 2013 she called my mum to borrow her a certain amount, when my mum told me I immediately told her not to 'cos its a very bad and shameless attitude. Mum felt doing it will be a good thing, after all said she didn't return the money up till date and never called to talk about it. I really felt bad because my mum kept on telling me everyday that she is shameless. I wanted to tell my fiance but I know he will feel so bad.

Last year she called me again that I need to borrow her a certain amount and her son should not know but I told her I don't have. This morning again she called me that she needs to travel urgently and needs money, she said she can't tell her son because he sent money not quiet long and I should not tell him, I just told her immediately that I don't have cos am not working and she said no problem

I don't know if I should call my fiancee attention to this, it is a very bad habit and to me it should not be heard of self, but I know he will feel so bad and confront her. What should I do? She is so nice except for this money ish

Please advice, sorry for the long post.

Cc: Tearoses, kimoni, Bukatyne, Zaynie greatgod2012, Thorpido. Please advice a sister.

Hmnnnn, this is a difficult one oo

How well do you think your fiancé will handle this issue without it escalating or coming back to haunt you? Some men would find a matured way to handle it, cuz really, the issue should be between mother and son but not everyone is matured enough to hold that kind of discussion with their mom while still putting you into consideration.

Most will get so pissed and in the process of speaking to their mom, will aggravate the issue and cause enmity between you and her. It's an ego thing for a lot of guys and I really do not blame them.

If you think your fiancé is matured enough, in a gentle and loving manner, bring up the issue with him and let him realize the way he handles the issue could make or mar the relationship between yourself and his mom and in turn could affect the relationship between you and him. But whatever the case, pls don't mention the money she borrowed from your mom, that is too shameful and a deal-breaker anytime.

But if you think he can't handle it, pls don't tell him. The issue will spill itself out one day and you will explain to him you didn't know how to tell him without hurting his feelings. And concerning your MIL, say no to her nine times out of ten and give her occasionally only when you can afford it.

To discourage her, you could also tell her you are considering telling your fiancé (her son) to increase the money he gives to her as you can see that she is constantly in need of more money. Tell her you cannot hold the sight of her asking for money every time (it breaks your heart sef) and you think her son should know about it. Make the discussion about her and how you just want to improve her life with the discussion. She will either say no and minimize how she begs you for money or tell you to go ahead and you can use the opportunity to lovingly and gently tell your fiancé about it.

Kimoni:


Hmnnnn, this is a difficult one oo

How well do you think your fiancé will handle this issue without it escalating or coming back to haunt you? Some men would find a matured way to handle it, cuz really, the issue should be between mother and son but not everyone is matured enough to hold that kind of discussion with their mom while still putting you into consideration.

Most will get so pissed and in the process of speaking to their mom, will aggravate the issue and cause enmity between you and her. It's an ego thing for a lot of guys and I really do not blame them.

If you think your fiancé is matured enough, in a gentle and loving manner, bring up the issue with him and let him realize the way he handles the issue could make or mar the relationship between yourself and his mom and in turn could affect the relationship between you and him. But whatever the case, pls don't mention the money she borrowed from your mom, that is too shameful and a deal-breaker anytime.

But if you think he can't handle it, pls don't tell him. The issue will spill itself out one day and you will explain to him you didn't know how to tell him without hurting his feelings. And concerning your MIL, say no to her nine times out of ten and give her occasionally only when you can afford it.

To discourage her, you could also tell her you are considering telling your fiancé (her son) to increase the money he gives to her as you can see that she is constantly in need of more money. Tell her you cannot hold the sight of her asking for money every time (it breaks your heart sef) and you think her son should know about it. Make the discussion about her and how you just want to improve her life with the discussion. She will either say no and minimize how she begs you for money or tell you to go ahead and you can use the opportunity to lovingly and gently tell your fiancé about it.

Coldgate, lamdec, dahaz, oluwanoni, andergirl and others thanks a lot for your inputs, am very grateful.

Madam kimoni.
You stated my fears, he loves his mum and they are quiet close. I feel this may affect the relationship between us because he is a very responsible person and will not be happy that his mum will do such thing.

He handles issues maturely but this is kind of different from other issues. Maybe I should just keep quiet for now hoping it won't happen again or continue to tell her no since we are not even married. Thanks ma'am.

Guitarlife:
2 things..

1. NEVER tell her son. Its called being discreet and having the maturity to handle tough situations alone.

Dont even tell anyone. Just turn her down politely.

2. A repeat of 1, dont tell anybody cos you are go8ng to be married into that family and she is going to be ur mother-in-law for life so show her some respect by not telling any other person.

Wisdom wisdom wisdom.

Thanks a lot.

oromitope26:



Coldgate, lamdec, dahaz, oluwanoni, andergirl and others thanks a lot for your inputs, am very grateful.

Madam kimoni.
You stated my fears, he loves his mum and they are quiet close. I feel this may affect the relationship between us because he is a very responsible person and will not be happy that his mum will do such thing.

He handles issues maturely but this is kind of different from other issues. Maybe I should just keep quiet for now hoping it won't happen again or continue to tell her no since we are not even married. Thanks ma'am.

Then just keep telling her no and give her only when you can afford it but bear in mind you will also have some explaining to do when he eventually finds out (that will definitely happen). But it's a lesser evil IMO if he can't handle the situation now. The future will sort itself.

All the best dear.

Hmmm so much for not annoying a bobo.
Lamdec you said it all.
Op you think her children dont already know who their mother is?
If you love your man enough to accept his shame as yours, you will join him to curtail his mother's fault.
Btw, you think you are the only one outside her family she is begging? She did it to your mum, she is doing same to strangers. When you start working, you will still tell her you dont have? When she walks into your home tommorrow and pick stuff in the name of borrowing and tell you not to tell your husband, you will comply so you wont be the enermy or you will speak when you've had enuff? Then your husband ask you how long has it been for and you give him the answer that provoke actions from him that will leave you wondering why he is more angry with you for witholding a stabbing secret than his faulting mum he can never love less.
If you like follow your heart and tell him to handle it like he stumbled into your msg or conversation with his mum or keep quiet because your role models said so.

@oromitope26

I don't know what's hard about this that people just keep "arguing" back and forth.

I see you are from a certain part of the country and would advise you based on my understanding of the culture and technicality of such area as regards MILs.

She asked you for money and also asked your mum for it. Seems she sees you as well to do and a "solution to her problems".

You are having a bias against her already and these would surely worsen your relationship with her in future.
You are marrying this guy and his mum is now your mother also. See her as your mother and define what your reaction would be.

I would advise you shelve all these brash ideas been bandied around on this thread. Some people don't understand what tact and wisdom is and they believe things are just black and white as regards issues relating to inter family relationship.

I would advise you talk to her. Be frank and seek facts. Be her daughter. Ask her what causes a drain of her resources. What she needs the money for. She might be investing in something bad and needs a third perspective to make her see reason to stop such. Most times you don't have to do the bidding of people before you solve the situation.

She seems desperate to have asked your mum for it and it seems she has incurred a bad debt from a biz she invested in that her son had warned her about in the past. Her main reason for asking you not to let him in on it.

Asking questions and clarifications would go a long way in sorting things.


When you know the reasons she is asking for the money then you can now genuinely make an unbiased decision based on that. Is she spending it on frivolities or it is just that the cost of running the family is being a burden on her or maybe a bad loan or something.

If its the cost of running the family or something genuine. Tell her you don't have the money if you genuinely don't have but promise her you would see to it that your fiance makes better provision when next he is sending money down. Or if you have a little change, a gift. Something you can't expect to get back. Send it to her and tell that's the little you can help with.


And there is nothing wrong telling your man that you called his mum to find out how she is doing and she complained about how things are not that rosy. He gets the hint and would try and do what's right.

Tact and wisdom goes a long way than being brash. You would have to deal with her for a long time and its better you get it right from the start. A wise woman holds and builds her home.

Just an after thought. You said she has 5 kids. 2 employed and 3 unemployed. Ever asked your fiance, the status of the 3 other and what's up with them?

Please find out what she is needing the money for
Dont look at her as a stranger but as a family member
Something is draining her finances and the earlier you find out the better
Have a chat with her, you have already said that you are close, so ask her to speak to you in confidence
Find out what the problem is, who knows you may even be able to offer her a better solution than begging.

Depending on what happens during the conversation, is what you will direct you to the next step
Pray for wisdom cos you are going to need it

For her to borrow from your mum suggests to me that there is something not quite right somewhere
Dont go into any marriage with your eyes half open
This is a problem that needs to be addressed and not swept under the carpet.

@Oromitope26:

I have modified my post.

Thankd

I don't think you should encourage this behavior. The woman should learn to live within her means, after all, the son assists her as much as he can! What now happens when you get married and have kids? When money is tight??

So because you are marrying her son you should go and steal to satisfy her? Or you don't have responsibilities of your own? Will she do same to her own kids who aren't working? Will your mum do that to you?
This is the issue with a lot of Nigerians, the spirit of entitlement!

I'm sorry but let's call a spade a spade. This is a very bad behavior, even going as far as asking your mum for money. It is bound to cause disrespect and resentment.

Your hubby and his siblings should plan on placing her on a monthly stipend. Yes, even the ones not working should contribute too from their hustlings.

After all, you aren't working and she's been asking you for money. What is good for the goose is also good for the gander!

Thanks everybody; onegig, GHojes, mama tea roses, Bukatyne, aameyah and others.

If I want the issue swept under the carpet I won't be here asking for suggestion on how to tackle it. From the little i know, its not as if she is investing into something but just attending to some family needs. Even at that its not suppose to be me she will ask, its shameful.

I can't ask her what is draining her finances cos from the little I know she seems to be carrying the bulk load of the family as her husband is a missionary.

The whole ish self tire me, thanks everybody.