For anyone with even a passing interest in gender equality or women’s rights, it’s a relief to see feminism becoming more and more mainstream. No longer solely the domain of crotchety academics who demand we take a lighter to our lingerie, feminism’s makeover for the new millennium has made it as accessible and fun as a Beyoncé single – and it’s everywhere we look. There are feminist boxing classes, feminist baking groups, and, of course, feminist dating websites. Because when we talk about “having it all”, we also want a feminist boyfriend, right?


In theory, it sounds excellent. It would be a hard slog to have a relationship with someone whose sociopolitical stance differs hugely from yours, so when I first began identifying as a feminist I thought that my beliefs would carry over seamlessly in to my dating life as well. I’m a feminist, so shouldn’t the men I date and sleep with be feminists too?

Unfortunately, it wasn’t quite so simple. From the man who opened a text conversation with a photo of his naked chest and encouraged me to reciprocate in the name of the Free The Nipple movement, to the fellow who agonised over accepting a Mouth Gig because, despite enjoying them, he found the act simply too degrading to let me perform; dating male feminists turned out to be one of the least empowering decisions I’ve ever made.

It’s not that I don’t want to be with a man who respects me, values consent, or is conscious of the various gender-based imbalances in the world today. These qualities are a bare minimum.

But men looking for feminist-sanctioned romance tend to fall in to one of two categories: those who use our attraction as a sign of approval and seek out trophy feminists to clear their conscience of any inherent patriarchal wrong-doing, and outright predators who employ a bare-bones knowledge of feminist discourse to target any young woman whose politics so much as graze the notion of sex-positivity.

The commercialisation of “feminist dating”, whether at a social event or on an app or website, only entrenches these attitudes further. It laser-focuses the male gaze on an environment where men can hamfistedly wield their limited knowledge of women’s empowerment to look for sex partners and girlfriends in a movement that demands women be seen as everything but.

For every male feminist horror story I have lived, I’ve been told a dozen more by equally-frustrated female friends.
For every male feminist horror story I have lived, I’ve been told a dozen more by equally-frustrated female friends. There was the chap who invited me to an event, not so much as a plus one but as a testing ground for his ribald, sexist one-liners. After each remark he would look to me, gauging my reaction to see exactly how much of his cheap and dirty humour he could unleash while still passing the feminist litmus test.

I had lunch with a man whose openness about sex and sexuality impressed me until I declined his offer for an afternoon quickie – his response made it clear that his feminism had no room for my apparent frigidity. Then there was the gentleman who messaged me every second day to ask my fem-pinion on everything from vajazzling to Lena Dunham’s memoir. When I finally asked him to cool his jets, he responded furiously that I should be grateful for his incessant questions and I was lucky a man wanted to hear my opinion at all.

It’s not that I don’t think men can be feminists. There are several men in my life who have approached feminism with respect and considerate thought, who have used feminism to examine their own privilege and experiences within the world and have become better people for it.

But these men are in a disappointing minority compared to the rest of the male feminists I, and many other women, have encountered: men who use the term “feminist” as either bait or an alter-ego, assuming that their opt-in respect for women will entitle them to legions of adoring lovers – really the most anti-feminist act of all.


When it comes to dating and relating, I don’t care who opens the door for whom, or who picks up the bill. I simply want to be in a relationship where my politics aren’t sexualised, where I can look at my partner and see more than a “Hey girl!” meme come to life and know that they, in turn, see me as a three-dimensional being: a feminist, yes, but not one who will perform on command.

Feminism has enlightened and empowered me, and now I’m using that power to put my foot down and say “no more” to the movement’s male members. bell hooks is nobody’s wingwoman. And while it may be correct to say #NotAllMaleFeminists, I would simply rather: not any.

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/oct/19/why-i-wont-date-another-male-feminist

Shymm3x:
Nice full English breakie - FrancisTony take charge.

But these men are in a disappointing minority compared to the rest of the male feminists I, and many other women, have encountered: men who use the term “feminist” as either bait or an alter-ego, assuming that their opt-in respect for women will entitle them to legions of adoring lovers – really the most anti-feminist act of all.

yetseyi:

Loool

"fem-pinion"

Shymm3x:


Don't tell me you're a feminist, Yetty.

Ijebus don't roll like that. Our women are highly educated and empowered career women...but they still know how to cater to their husbands. They pander to him, cook for him, wash his clothes, and massage his back daily after work. And they're great mums. That's what Ijebu women do.

yetseyi:

loool, If I tell you I understand what true feminism is I am lying. There are just too many definitions of feminism to choose from even if one wants to be.

Same way I do not understand the alpha male you keep talking about.

It was an interesting piece anyway , I smiled all through.

I wont comment on your last three sentences else we derail this thread.
Is true feminism against those sentences?

Shymm3x:


Nice you're oblivious to the concept. It's basically just some babble started by disgruntled white women who were tired of white men selling them into slavery during the medieval times. And it metamorphosed into the art of blaming men for everything wrong with the world. A devilish concept virtuous women ought to stay away from.

Yes, it's against those sentences.

But these men are in a disappointing minority compared to the rest of the male feminists I, and many other women, have encountered: [size=18pt]men who use the term “feminist” as either bait or an alter-ego, assuming that their opt-in respect for women will entitle them to legions of adoring lovers – really the most anti-feminist act of all.[/size]

yetseyi:

Your definition seems odd though. Just don't let the true feminists have your head.

You skipped the alpha male part.

About your answer I think it depends, there are people who are not feminist that do not care for some of those things you listed.

Wait, did you say massage his back everyday, does she get massaged too?

Shymm3x:


Lol. My definition isn't odd - it's more of a picture that will Mona Lisa look like fake art. Even Picasso wouldn't be able paint a picture better than that.

Alpha male is just a real man who understands the need to always be in-charge as the authority - without antagonising the female, albeit he'll never compromise. The man every woman openly/secretly desire.

Obviously, reciprocating a nice gesture, such as a good massage, is divine.

yetseyi:


lool


Did you say never compromise? Everybody has to compromise at one point or the other especially in relationships. So an alpha male NEVER compromises, an alpha male is much more worse than I thought.

ohooo so its divine to reciprocate but its not divine to initiate the massage.

Shymm3x:


The alpha male doesn't do compromise when it comes to his ordained status and the privileges that come with it. You either take it or leave it lol.

Most chics covet alpha males hence you chics always leaning guys they perceive as "alpha", thus exhibiting their vulnerabilities and they want someone who can take charge and be in control at all times. Even the ones with beta males always covet that alpha figure and that's why they cheat lol.

Initiation is also divine and either of the two parties can always initiate it as long as it is mutual.

yetseyi:

*Rolls eyes* what of gamma male lool. I don't think we will agree on this alpha male issue so I will let it drop for now but that doesn't mean I wont bring it up some other time.

Hmm fair enough

Shymm3x:


Lol. Gamma male is a phaggot.

So, do you like getting a nice massage every night before you hit the sheets?

yetseyi:

lool

Who wouldn't?

Shymm3x:


Loool.

Err...how soft/supple is ya skin? Do you love the massage with a soft palm or a hardened one? And how comfortable are you nak3d for this task to be carried out?

yetseyi:
(
hmm, well that is not open for discussion. And yes I am serious.

Have a good night

Shymm3x:


The ultra-conservative Ijebugirl lol.

In Ijebu culture it's open for discussion, when talking to the Duke of Ijebuland.

Anyway, every time I chat to you...these are the pictures of Yetseyi I have got in my head.