Plssss DON'T Read This You Will Die Of Laughter - Jokes Etc - Nairaland
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Don't Open Unless You Will Die Of Laughter. / This Joke Is Everything! Biko Don't Read At Work / If U Don't Want Ur Ribs To Crack, Please Don't Read These Jokes (2) (3) (4)
| Plssss DON'T Read This You Will Die Of Laughter by eljimmah: 8:00am On Oct 26, 2015 |
Came across this and just wanted to share...... TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS ON!! How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces? These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _______________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral... _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. Like and share source: facebook 16 Likes 3 Shares |
| Re: Plssss DON'T Read This You Will Die Of Laughter by nairalandmaster(f): 8:00am On Oct 26, 2015 |
op is that the best you can think About? |
| Re: Plssss DON'T Read This You Will Die Of Laughter by shikshark: 8:03am On Oct 26, 2015 |
like and share my #*# |
| Re: Plssss DON'T Read This You Will Die Of Laughter by Dbestmax(m): 8:05am On Oct 26, 2015 |
No offence pls buh I can't find d joke
pls if any of u found it just hit LIKE 2 Likes |
| Re: Plssss DON'T Read This You Will Die Of Laughter by neutrotoba(m): 8:05am On Oct 26, 2015 |
It's quite funny, but u'd only find it funny if ur sense of humour is not limited to decoding A.Y's dry jokes. 3 Likes |
| Re: Plssss DON'T Read This You Will Die Of Laughter by ilevic(m): 8:08am On Oct 26, 2015 |
this is a Gud reason why network providers should stop giving free MB. can't believe I wasted 5mins of my life reading this. 2 Likes |
| Re: Plssss DON'T Read This You Will Die Of Laughter by eljimmah: 8:09am On Oct 26, 2015 |
nairalandmaster: Yep....thats what my monday brain could come up with...... |
| Re: Plssss DON'T Read This You Will Die Of Laughter by jejemanito: 8:15am On Oct 26, 2015 |
Hit like if you read the comments before reading the joke 4 Likes |
| Re: Plssss DON'T Read This You Will Die Of Laughter by Donald3d(m): 8:25am On Oct 26, 2015 |
I actually found this funny.....I believe why most people didn't find this fummy is the same reason why white men don't laugh at our jokes and why most Nigerians don't laugh at jokes except its in pidgin english.I found it funny,just like one of my friends who said Jeff Dunham was boring and not funny ,I was like What !!!!,I hope you people know who Jeff Dunham is  ??,I am sure the op would know. Cheers,and keep it up7 Likes |
| Re: Plssss DON'T Read This You Will Die Of Laughter by Mathematical(f): 8:35am On Oct 26, 2015 |
Funny piece.. i keep reading it over again.. lolz.. If this isnt funny to ya..no sense of humor 3 Likes |
| Re: Plssss DON'T Read This You Will Die Of Laughter by eljimmah: 9:55am On Oct 26, 2015 |
Donald3d: you nailed it man.... truth is Nigerian comedians are good but they don't crack jokes that will make u think, everything they say is just straight forward... i have all of jeff dunham's comedy shows and he is actually one of my best comedian. 2 Likes |
| Re: Plssss DON'T Read This You Will Die Of Laughter by macklef(m): 7:57pm On Oct 26, 2015 |
Lol. Lawyers really ask stupid questions, some are not stupid, dey Just want u to say it as it is. My best 4  ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. _______________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. And the last one. 1 Like |
| Re: Plssss DON'T Read This You Will Die Of Laughter by HastalavistaU: 8:44pm On Oct 26, 2015 |
Buhahahahaha How can u say dz is not funny? 2 Likes |
| Re: Plssss DON'T Read This You Will Die Of Laughter by MirandaPrestly(f): 7:13pm On Oct 27, 2015 |
This actually had me rolling on the floor.
Hilarious.
I love the last one 1 Like |
| Re: Plssss DON'T Read This You Will Die Of Laughter by joviegghead: 4:14pm On Oct 28, 2015 |
Still can't stop laughing.. Lawyers can ask questions that will make wish u take the gravel(or whatever it is called,it is like an hammer sha) used by the judge to hit their heads.. Believe me,most of the witnesses are really bad mouthed.. 1 Like |
| Re: Plssss DON'T Read This You Will Die Of Laughter by Nobody: 10:19pm On Oct 30, 2015 |
Good one OP  . Thanks for sharing. For those who don't see the humour in the post, RECEIVE SENSE  .1 Like |
| Re: Plssss DON'T Read This You Will Die Of Laughter by Deztro(m): 11:19pm On Oct 30, 2015 |
no offence but i think d lawyer is blonde lol 1 Like |
| Re: Plssss DON'T Read This You Will Die Of Laughter by philtrum(m): 2:55pm On Oct 31, 2015 |
ROTFL |
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