"How much is this going for?", I asked at a recent home showing. "It's only 140 Million Naira".

At today's exchange rate of 169 Naira to 1 USD, that amounts to approximately $828,000 (not to mention the 23% interest rate if you are successful in getting a mortgage facility), for a blob of cement that has uneven stairs, no natural lighting, foundation problems evident in the cracks in the walls, and in this case, a "love-vendor daddy" spiral staircase .

came across this really interesting column on 234next

Enjoy and LEARN

Dear Realtor, here are a few bullet points that you should keep with you as you show off property in Lagos:

• Clean the damn house! Or ask your client(s) to get the house cleaned before they show it! How difficult is it to have someone come in, vacuum the carpet, mop the floor, cut the weeds, prune the flowers, wash the bathtubs and sinks and toilets and change any tiles that are coming off the floor? Bleach and water is a wonderful combination.

• What happened to paint? Paint. It's a wonderful thing. Paint is your friend! And not that awful colour of bright yellow or bright green that I saw in a neighbourhood off the Lekki-Epe Expressway. Use muted or base colors like white or cream. It adds considerable value to your home and gives a welcome feeling to that potential buyer. There is no point having five luxury cars in your driveway and your home looks like crap.

• Repair your house. If the cupboard door is falling off, fix it. If there are cobwebs on the ceiling, sweep! If you haven't dusted, dust. If there is a leak, plug it. If you have an old appliance, find a way to dump it and don't leave it in the backyard. If there is an old car, have it towed away. If you have roaches, FUMIGATE!

Don't meet me for the first time, show me ONE house and then look me in the eye and ask "are you ready to sign?" Hell No! For the prices of these houses, you had better get ready to show me a whole slew of homes for rent or for sale. Where do you think the money comes from?

• Another don't: when I walk into your house and can see the obvious signs of water damage on the ceiling, please don't tell me that that they are remnants from the construction of the house. No, fool, it is not a remnant from construction. It is an accumulation of rain water that has now leaked into the flat which you now want to paint over (without fixing the problem), and then rent out at some unseemly rate.

To the agent from two weeks ago who tried to tell me that the big gaping hole in a driveway, that could have swallowed a VW Beetle, was not evidence that the foundation of the house near the water was sinking, I say it is sinking.

Don't argue the point. To the woman who looked at me like I was stupid when I asked why there was a strong smell of moisture and mildew in the home: you do have water damage. I could see it all written on your walls. As a saying goes, "don't pee in my face and tell me its rain".

• Spring for transportation for your client: For crying out loud, they are potential buyers or renters of this ridiculous piece of crap that you are trying to sell or rent to them.

Why can't you just spring for a car and consider it a customer acquisition cost? After all, if you sell that 35 Million Naira house, your commission could range between 3.5 Million Naira (about $20,700) and 7 Million Naira (about $41,400). You can afford to buy a car or get a car hire. I can't.


• Be organised: In one case, I had to pick up the agent, who then asked me to wait at the Exxon Mobil station near 1004 estates to pick up another agent who would show us the house.

But it didn't end there because this ‘pickup' brought a young lady with him that he was "trying to train". Yeah, okay.

But then we picked up yet another agent only to get to the house and there was no one to open the gate. Align your contacts early on so that you are not wasting my time.