On the night of Monday, 5 October, 2015, the Chelsea manager, Jose Mourinho, made a save-my-job call to one of Nigeria’s foremost preachers, Prophet Temitope Balogun Joshua. Here is the transcript of the phone call. Mourinho: Hello, Prophet?” T.B. Joshua (clears throat): Emmaaaanuel. Mourinho: I’m not Emmanuel, sir? T.B. Joshua: I don’t mean your name is Emmanuel. It’s our special way of greeting one another at the Synagogue Church of all Nations. Are you a charlatan? Weren’t you aware of our “Emmanuel” salutation? Mourinho (pause): I’m sorry, Prophet. T.B. Joshua: Emmanuel means “God is with us.” Mourinho: You’re right, Prophet. T.B. Joshua: This is a foreign number. From London, I guess. Mourinho: You are correct, sir. T.B. Joshua: Emmaaaanuel. Mourinho: I’m not . . . T.B. Joshua: May I know who you are? Mourinho: Prophet, I am Jose Mourinho. T.B. Joshua: Of Chelsea? Mourinho: Yes, Prophet. T.B. Joshua (raises his voice a notch): How are yooooouuuuuu? Emmaaaaaaanuel. Mourinho: I’m not fine, sir. I’m terribly sick. T.B. Joshua (voice drops): Sick? What’s the problem? Mourinho (speech has an odd delay): Mental lassitude, sir. I’m passing through the worst moment of my coaching career. We’ve played eight matches in the EPL and lost five of the matches. My players are letting me down. Chelsea are sixteenth on the league table. After our 1-3 loss to Southampton last weekend, the Chelsea board met and . . . T.B. Joshua (cuts in): Hey, could you tell me what exactly you want from me. I’m not Sky Sports. No room for another seven minutes monologue. Mourinho (works his tongue inside his cheek): I’m sorry, sir. I’m overwhelmed by the abysmal performance of my team this season. This is why I’m pouring out my heart. T.B. Joshua: Hmm. Mourinho: After its meeting, the Board gave me a stay of execution. But Prophet, I know it’s temporary. If the team’s performance didn’t improve in the next five, ten matches, the Board would rescind his decision. Oh, Eden, Willian, Barislav, Matic, Cesc! Now I know form is temporal; class is permanent. Oh, Roman is a crazy fella. . . T.B. Joshua: I told you I’m not Sky Sports. I don’t want your monologue. Mourinho: Prophet, please take me as I am. Let me utter those words as they stir in my belly. Uttering them is therapeutic. T.B. Joshua: Out of your belly shall flow rivers of living water. That’s what the Bible says. Mourinho: Please, permit me to express myself so you’ll understand my plight. Prophet of the Most High God. You are a true servant of God. T.B. Joshua (ego surges): Okay, go on. Emmaaaanuel. Mourinho: Sir, Roman no dey look face. T.B.Joshua (amazed): You just spoke in pidgin. Wonderful! Mourinho: Obi Mikel taught me, sir. By the way sir, I’m a polyglot. T.B. Joshua: You mean you have more than one wife? Mourinho: No, sir. T.B. Joshua: You went to a polytechnic of football coaching? Mourinho: No, sir. T.B. Joshua: You have a factory where you produce polythene bags? Mourinho: I don’t have any factory, sir. All I do is managing football teams. T.B. Joshua: But you said you’re a poly . . . poly . . . Mourinho: Polyglot. I mean that I speak more than two languages. I speak English, Portuguese, Latin, Spanish . . . T.B. Joshua: Okay, okay. I’m a polyglot too. I speak Yoruba and English. I also speak in tongues. Supernatural language, you know. Mourinho: Sir, I like to learn the supernatural language. But I’m not sure if I can give instructions to my players with the language. I’m not sure if Costa, Ramires, Zouma and Cahill would understand it. T.B. Joshua: They will understand it if they are full of the “Spirit.” Go on with your outpouring of heart. Mourinho: Thanks, sir. I was saying something about Roman, the owner of Chelsea. T.B. Joshua: I knew who you were talking about when you mentioned Roman. Is it not “Baba Olowo”? Mourinho: Baba what? T.B. Joshua: Chelsea fans in Nigeria call Roman Abrahamovic” Baba Olowo.” Meaning a rich man. Mourinho: Yes, sir. As I was saying, Roman is a crazy fella. He has no respect for any coach in the world. He has the same spirit as the late Jesús Gil. T.B Joshua: Who was Jesús Gil? Who bore the same name as my Lord and my Saviour Jesus Christ? Mourinho: He was the former President of Atletico Madrid who during his tenure sacked the club’s coaches at will. He employed 39 managers in 16 years. In 1993/94 season, he changed coaches six times. T.B. Joshua: What?! Why did he sack those coaches? Mourinho: Because he was a crazy President. He loved doing odd things. T.B. Joshua: Hmm. Well, he is no more alive, like Oyingbo Jesus. Mourinho: Who was Oyin-yingbo Jesus? T.B. Joshua: Oh, you don’t know Jesu Oyingbo. Mourinho: Yes, sir. T.B. Joshua: you don’t have to know who he was in his time. What you should know is that my Master Jesus is alive. And all powers belong to Him. Do you understand me? Mourinho: Yes, sir. T.B. Joshua: Proceed. Mourinho: Roman is like Jesús. T.B Joshua: Come on, don’t compare Roman with Jesus Christ. Mourinho: I mean Jesús Gil. T.B. Joshua: It is better you call him Gills. The only Jesus we should talk about is my Master Jesus, okay? He is the One who gave me the power and anointing to do miracles. Unfortunately, some people, especially Nigerians, still doubt the genuineness of my divine anointing. They say my power is satanic. Mourinho: A prophet has no honour in his country. T.B. Joshua: You’re right. I know the One who commissioned me into ministry. I’m not moved by the negative comments people make about me. A mansion is guaranteed for me in heaven. You were talking about Roman. Mourinho: Yes, sir. Roman no dey look face. He can sack any coach irrespective of the coach’s credentials. He sacked me in 2007. He also sacked world-class coaches like Scolari, Ancelloti and Ranieri. (Voice quavers) Oh, Roman is a crazy fella. T.B Joshua: I thought you are not afraid of being axed. You said so after Chelsea’s match against Southampton. Mourinho: Yes, I said so. Those journalists wanted to see a panicky or dejected Jose Mourinho, so I had to appear at the post-match conference as a man who would not press the panic button. I also had to encourage myself. You know the Bible says when David was in a problem, he encouraged himself in the Lord his God. T.B. Joshua: Wow, you’ve just quoted the Bible. I Samuel chapter 30 verse 6. Mourinho: Prophet, I’ve started reading my Bible diligently. T.B Joshua: Are you really afraid of getting fired? Mourinho (quietly): Yes, Prophet. Some people hate me because my cabinet is laden with trophies and medals. They say I’m too proud, that I talk too much. If Roman fired me, they will be happy and make jest of me. There’s a man in Nigeria, Olusola Akinwale. He tweeted that I’ll soon join the Association of Sacked English Premier League Managers (ASEPLM). He said I’ll soon become John Dykes’s guest analyst in the Super Sports EPL studio, joining the like of Gus, Sam, Harry and Graham. T.B. Joshua: What does that mean? Mourinho: Prophet, what he means is that Roman will fire me. And after I’ve been sacked, I’ll start analysing football on TV like Gus, Sam, Harry, Graham. T.B. Joshua: You mean Gus and Sam were former coaches. Mourinho: Yes, sir. Sunderland sacked Gus; West Ham sacked Sam. T.B. Joshua: Isaiah 6:6. It shall not stand neither shall it come to pass. Mourinho: Aaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmm mmen. T.B. Joshua: You won’t join Gus to analyse matches on the touch screen. Mourinho: I forbid that in Jesus’ name. To You, O Lord, I lift up my soul. O my God, I trust in You. Let me not be ashamed; let not my enemies triumph over me. T.B. Joshua: Psalm 25 . . . Mourinho: Verses one and two. T.B. Joshua: That’s impressive. You must be a pastor-in-waiting. Mourinho: With God nothing is impossible. T.B. Joshua: Do you have a Bible there? Mourinho: Yes, sir. T.B. Joshua: Good. Open it to Psalm 69 and read from verse one to eight. Mourinho: Psalm 69. Save me, O God! For the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in deep mire where there is no standing. I have come into deep waters where the floods overflow me . . . Those who hate me without a cause are more than the hairs of my head. They are mighty who would destroy me, being my enemies wrongfully. Though I have stolen nothing, I still must restore it . . . I have become a stranger to my brothers, and an alien to my mother’s children. T.B. Joshua: Jose? Mourinho: Sir. T.B. Joshua: I want you to read verse eight again. Substitute “my brothers” for “Roman” and instead of saying “and an alien to my mother’s children” say “and my tactics have become alien to my players. Okay? Mourinho: Yes, sir. T.B. Joshua: Now read as I’ve told you. Mourinho: Psalm 69 verse eight. T.B. Joshua: Yes, the Mourinho version Mourinho: I have become a stranger to Roman Abrahamovic and my tactics have become an alien to my players. T.B. Joshua (bursts into tongues): skeskes roboskes roboskeskes robo. Mousneh owintilajahsneh tietibaesneh otijegbesesneh otijabosneh kosinkankanfuneniseasonyisneh omalotrophylesssneh. I declare you’ll not finish this race in the Super Sports studio. Mourinho: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmm meeeeen. T.B. Joshua: The verse you cited in 1 Samuel 30 is relevant to your case. The Amalekites came to Ziklag and plundered the city. They took the women and the children of the city, including David’s wives, captive. After he had wept over his woes, David encouraged himself in the Lord. Then something great happened. Are you there, Jose? Mourinho: Yes, daddy. T.B. Joshua: The Bible says David and his men pursued his enemies, overtook them and recovered all that the Amalekites had carried away from Ziklag. Jose, are you with me? Mourinho: Yes, my daddy. T.B. Joshua: All the points that your enemies have captured from Stamford Bridge, all the points you’ve lost away from home, you will recover those points in Jesus’ name. Mourinho: Aaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmeeee een T.B. Joshua: Your players shall run and not grow weary. I invoke into their lives the strength that caused Elijah to outrun King Ahab from Mount Carmel to Jezreel. Your players shall outrun their opponents. Mourinho: Aaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmeeee een. T.B. Joshua: I declare that you will pursue and overtake all the teams ahead of you on the league table. Mourinho: Aaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmeeee een. T.B. Joshua: Oya, begin to mention those teams that have plundered Chelsea and are ahead of you on the log. Mourinho (fiercely): Swansea, you forced Chelsea to a two-all draw. In the return leg, Chelsea will hammer you 3-0. Crystal Palace, you defeated us by 2-1. At Selhurst Park, we’ll crush you 4-0. Southampton, you humiliated us by 3-1, in the return fixture, we’ll thrash you 5-0 in front of your fans. Manchester United and Manchester City, we overtake you in Jesus’ name. Greater is the end of a thing than the beginning thereof. Arsenal, you’ll hang behind us. We pursue and overtake you all in Jesus’ name. T.B. Joshua (his voice winches higher): It is settled! Mourinho: Aaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmeeee een. T.B. Joshua: No, Jose. Don’t drag the Amen this time. Say a sharp “Amen!” T.B. Joshua: It is sealed! Mourinho: Amen! T.B. Joshua: It is delivered! Mourinho: Amen! T.B. Joshua: Say “fire” 19 times. Each fire to conquer each team in the EPL Morinho: Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! T.B. Joshua: Begin to praise the Lord; give God praise for what He has done. Mourinho (enthusiastically): It shall be permanent, it shall be permanent, what the Lord has done for me, it shall be permanent . . . I am grateful O Lord – I am grateful Father – I am grateful O Lord, for all you have done for me – halleluyah – I am grateful O Lord. T.B. Joshua: Emmaaaaaaanuel. Mourinho: Emmanuel. T.B. Joshua: Good. I should even ask: How did you get my direct phone number? Mourinho: Obi Mikel gave me. He got the number from his Super Eagles mate who was a product of your football academy. T.B. Joshua: That must be Ogenyi. Sani has not played for the senior national side. Mourinho: I think so, sir. I decided to contact you because you’re the only Prophet God speaks to about football. No other prophets in the world. T.B. Joshua (thrilled): It is well with you. Your players are on international break right now. Mourinho: Yes, sir. T.B. Joshua: From your next match, your team will commence its unbeaten run in a ruthless manner. Mourinho: Yes, Lord. I believe. T.B. Joshua: I am God’s oracle. God used me for Ghana U-20 team at Egypt 2009. Mourinho: I heard the testimony, sir. It is the Lord’s doing. It is marvelous in our sight. T.B. Joshua: God has done it before, He will do it again. I want you to rest assured that your case will not be different. Mourinho: I believe you, sir. T.B. Joshua: Emmaaaaanuel. Mourinho: Thanks, Prophet. Bye, sir. I’ll call you again. T.B. Joshua: I’m waiting for your testimonies. Mourinho: Yes, sir. T.B. Joshua: Emmaaaaanuel. Mourinho: Emmanuel. Thanks, daddy.

Good one

GREAT INNITIATIVE

Too bulky.. too winded up.. too lengthy.....