New Year rant. My marriage will be 4 this year and I’m not too happy about how far I’ve come. I know it will get better soon but right now, it feels terrible. PS: Dear moderator, please DO NOT move this topic to the front page. I need mature advice from mature family men and women and not baby talk.

First off we’ve got no kids yet. We know it’s been a while (some folks be praying and fasting for us sef) but what’s the need doing all in our power medically speaking when we don’t have jobs? That been said, I want kids but I want to us to be financially empowered first.

2nd hubby and I have no jobs. We relocated a while back and its being tough getting something in this our obodo Nigeria. The good thing is that I (not hubby) had savings (I had a decent job back then) and for quite a while this has helped and continues to help. We have both been looking for jobs and I get loads of promises from relations but nothing has fallen through the cracks just yet. I’ve had a few interviews but nothing successful yet. I have some colleagues who I studied with advising me to hold on that I’ll get something soon but nothing yet. I’m still scouting for the job.

My husband and I are not business people per say but I am willing to take the risk and venture into one. I’ve seriously begun to look at that avenue and what I can get with some skills I’ve had and always taken for granted. I’ve also had a few people tell me (job wise) they are willing to help me with an internship (my training is like a specialist one and this will help although I find it depressing I’ll be working and not earning a penny when I am in dire need of it) Nevertheless I know such internship can open doors for me (in my career) and place me at a desirable angle in the job market so I am going for it (eagerly anticipating this to fall through sef). In addition, I’ll be staring off my business by the side this January 2016.

Now this is where I have issues with this husband of mine. Like I said, dude is not enterprising (like me) and not even willing to give business idea a try. To be fair, he has a small contract job that calls him out once a month and he brings home like 30k or so. He spends most on transportation and he has been doing this for quite a while. I have encouraged him to be more daring (had this talk more than once and in a nice manner) and look for opportunities where we are located as opposed to going so far and coming back with 30k or less in a month. Sometimes that money does little or nothing for us. I practically hold the fore at home with my little savings.

This man is not motivated by anything (as per hustling/business) to better our condition. He prefers his comfort place (lowly paying contract job while browsing online for better opportunities) and I am most upset by this. I blame myself though cos I knew he has never been enterprising. I recall while we were dating, I was unhappy with his lackadaisical attitude (at that point, he had just finished NYSC and he went back home to mummy’s house and was sitting pretty looking for jobs online. I wanted him to leave the little town and to the bigger cities to get something but he refused saying he had no friends or relations he could stay with plus moving to Lagos or Abuja does not guarantee one work) At that point, I wanted to end the relationship for this same reason but he begged and pleaded and said he would change.

Like Tupac sang, I SEE NO CHANGES and this has followed us to marriage today. I am sad for us cos I feel push has come to shove and he can do better. Again to be fair to him, he spends so much time online looking for jobs. I don’t know anyone that scouts for job online as much as this man. He has had a few calls and written some tests but they are far between and so far no progress. We are still expecting calls and interview in this New Year by God’s grace.

How can I get this man to feel uncomfortable with his current position and get his ass up? It is sooooooooooooo frustrating waking up, making his meals and watching him browse for jobs, read his bible and start to play games on his computer. It is soooooooooooooooooo sad I tell you. I am fast beginning to lose interest in this man even sexually. We went for quite some weeks one time with no love making. We were not quarreling oh but I just couldn’t imagine him doing me. This is me a woman who needs to get pregnant but I can’t be bothered for now. I sit down sometimes and watch him on his boxers and I feel life draining out of me. This was not the man I know. If the job is there, he will do it because he is a hardworking fellow. He is not a lazy man. I’ve seen him do this while we were abroad but I know his problem is cos the jobs are not here.

I also feel part of his problem may also be a thing of pride. Perhaps he feels learning a skill is beneath him, I dunno. However this is no excuse. I always wonder; why is this man not hungry for success. Why can’t he do something until this white collar job comes? He has not come to me to say, see what I think I can do, let me bath and go out and hustle. What do you think about this idea? Let’s pray about it, let me get someone I can learn something from. NEVER NOT ONCE. I AM JUST TIRED! Dude has got no skills and has no intention of learning anything new unless it’s his computer program instrumental to his course of study.

Let me stop here cos I can go on typing more and I’ll bore you. Singles please open your eyes before you marry. You see it in them as boyfriend, if they don’t change before marriage, they can’t change in marriage. Nuff said!

Has anyone been in my position, how did you get out of it. How much more can I help this man? Sorry for the long message.

Who said you have ever helped him? You don't come here ranting about a man you called your husband telling us how you can't stand him do you, and how pity you feel for him seeing him on boxers bla bla bla.

You said he is not daring and stuffs. You that understands what it takes to be daring, what have dared out of it? What have you been able to make out with your little savings?

Since you know he Is not that into business like you, why not look for other ways to put him on his toes and get going? Instead of coming here to tell us how your sexual drive has reduced towards your hubby, why not think of his positive sides and what he has flair for and help him make something out of it?

Lost my job couple of years ago while dating wify. Knowing I am not into business she asked I go for some certifications while still hustling for jobs. She fed me (yes you heard that), assisted with some cash and stood by me throughout the time.

A year later I bounced back with a better job, better pay and better life. In fact, I got her her current job now.

Madam, go fix your home and stop throwing pity parties and giving nairalanders opportunity to insult the only man you choose among the trillions in the world

At Op slow down with your rants. I know you are frustrated but your man is not a lost cause. We can't all be the same, hustle wise.

The honest truth you met him like that and married him like that. Go to God and ask for wisdom then meet ur husband and discuss your family goals for the new year. Questions like stuffs you have raised heren research stuff and send him the information. Don't give up be strong for the 2 of u that is marriage. Free your mind and go back to loving him, work on your psyche.

kweenkong:
At Op slow down with your rants. I know you are frustrated but your man is not a lost cause. We can't all be the same, hustle wise.

The honest truth you met him like that and married him like that. Go to God and ask for wisdom then meet ur husband and discuss your family goals for the new year. Questions like stuffs you have raised heren research stuff and send him the information. Don't give up be strong for the 2 of u that is marriage. Free your mind and go back to loving him, work on your psyche.

Thanks for your reply. I know it is not a lost cause and we both pray. As a matter of fact, he prays more than I do. I am expecting something better this year and I will talk again. I pray something changes for both of us. I have so much lined up in this new-year with the internship work due to start this January. I will be going there just three times in a week for now.

I can almost swear hubby has no plans other than continue searching for jobs online then going for his contract work and returning with pittance. It is well...

@unhappy what a username
That alone is signalling defeat

I read your post
Unfortunately NL is not the same as it used to be
People no longer feel safe to post real stories and share experiences here because if they do, the day they have a "fight with someone there stories will be dragged out and used against the person, hence people just post for light relief

If not, many people will honestly advise you that what you are doing/about to do is no big deal.
See many of us help our husbands in different ways. Forget all the men beating their chests that they cant let their wives do this and that.
Forget all those pictures of Range Rovers you see ladies posting on Instagram that their husbands bought for them.
Many women are bringing in the bacon and many are supporting with obtaining contracts, jobs and many are sponsoring their mens education and career advancement.

I know of father inlaws who have provided jobs, houses, cars and paid even fees for post graduate degrees abroad for their sons in laws.
Its not big deal if you have a sensible FIL, husband and wife. If you marry well then these things don't matter.

Especially in a country in Nigeria, many men need a helping hand across the river.
Even in obodo oyibo many men are changing career, studying for certification etc while the wife goes to work and holds the fort. I know heaps of men who have done/doing that.

My own husband changed career when we decided that the pinnacle of where he was though was satisfactory would not afford us the life style that we wanted.
He took a paycut and retrained. During that period I tried my hand at a lot of things, Ebay, event decorating, and I started a business.
In 2 years he was done and earns double what I earn now and I tease him when he starts complaining about how the tax man is dealing with him
I understand that some women don't feel comfortable with putting all their eggs in one basket but if you marry right, and put it all to God, then there should be no fear.

If you have married the right man, and he is a decent man and he has the fear of God, don't worry, do all that you can for him especially if you love the man.

A decent man wont forget your sacrifice and he will do everything within his power to make you happy.

My advise to you is will be in my next post.

God bless you tearoses you couldn't have said it better. At op she gave you the honest truth. I can count 10 families I know very well where the woman once brought the bacon home fully, some the men are in charge back but some are still being handled by the women.

All in all u married a good man who believes in his career and lacks the urge to hustle. Teach him, nuture him. My dear this where you need to summon the inner reserve in u and love him. Yes love him.

Oh dear. You sound like me and my hubby.

Things are improved now but I can't tell you what to do, I'll tell you what NOT to do.

Don't scream at him. I know it's frustrating and go-getters tend to be a bit low on patience. But don't scream and go into flights of shrieking hysteria. It will work, but it will cause its own problems.

Take a break. Get out of the house, away from him. Deep breaths.

Nigeria is a crazy place particularly if you hate the word "Hustle" and are used to a more organized environment (there are people hustling abroad and there are some people that that word "hustling" is a dirty job).

Aim to get pregnant maybe half way this year. You've got savings and plans, so start deploying those plans and savings. Start trying for a baby after June/July. Some guys, a child wakes them/snaps them back into focus. Your hubby is acting apathetic, he's mentally given up but can't say it and he hates himself for not providing but is grateful that you are. He feels lost right now. Trust me on this so he needs to be woken up. And not by screaming and howling and general crazy but by putting him on the spotlight with upcoming responsibility. The only reason I'm saying this is that you said he's a hard worker (some guys are leeches, but your man isn't according to you, just that he feels a bit lost right now).

Every day, ask him about what he did re: job search. Discuss it but don't give advice, listen. Yes it is hard to do that but he wants you to listen, not railroad him with "did you try this, do that? ". You may think you're being helpful, but he's gonna think you're being bossy. Kinda talk to him like his friend (because if you talk to him like his wife, you're gonna lose your cool and end up in tears, shouting and maybe a few broken stuff ). So sound like his paddy mi, infact forget the ring on your finger and act like his besto.

Give the sex a rest for now. I don't want you doing it with resentment in your heart and once in a while, if you feel frisky, go and do your own version of awkward-sexy dance in front of him (laughing of course). Try and take deep breaths from time to time and then find a smile somewhere for him. I don't think he's a bad guy, just a lost boy right now (I hope so).

I just really want you to survive this time with your sanity intact. Take the unpaid internships and learn how to cook delicious meals under N5000. Also start Danfo Appreciation Week (no cabs) and pare down your expenditure.

If all goes to plan, by August, you should have a paying job and be able to support a pregnancy (be ready to buy secondhand goods for that baby o! ) and he should be in a better place (everyone is hoping things stabilise during the 2nd half of this year).

He will soon pick himself up. And you guys are going to be fine. And don't let any guy on NL make you feel bad for being human and feeling angry, upset and demoralised.

You're doing great!!

All the best, sweetie

Not all men/women can hustle, do business and run around . . . FACT! We are all different.

I am always busy and my hands active and I was selling clothes in higher institution and I can count the times I went home to ask for money from my parents cos there really wasnt much need to. I have also learnt so many new skills and I can decorate events, make beads, balloon decor, cakes & party drinks etc
That is just me. . . . . .But on the other-hand I haven't read a book in ages
Which shows that we all have our strengths and weaknesses

It sounds as if your husband is more of an academic person
He likes reading and he spends a lot of time online.

People tend to do better when they are doing what they like, so now that you are aware of your husbands likes and strengths, How can we work on that to bring money out of it
Forget all these get rich quick schemes . . . they dont work
What is his degree in?
did you say he is a computer programmer?
Have you considered him providing training for people?
can he fix computers/phones/gadgets?
can he open a small N2k a month shop in an agbo ile? and do small small repairs etc
My dear agbo ile shops make more money than some high street locations . . .trust me on this one.

Are there any certifications that he can do that will guarantee him a step through the door?

If he is sleeping due to frustration and lack of zeal, then you wake up and hold his hand and guide him
No point feeling resentment in silence as it wont help the situation. . .To help the situation you need to do something.
We are all human and we will all feel down if something we have been chasing for so long doesnt click.

You said he is hardworking
Therefore where you can, help present opportunities and ideas for him
You may have to be the stronger person for now
If you do and he doesn't get up then that's a different story

Your intern job will not solve the problem long term because all that will happen is that you will start bringing in a wage and he is still stagnant and that will annoy you and make you resent him further and you will end up disrespecting him.
Therefore as you are rising, hold him by the hand and lift him too
He is your husband.

Also pls get a professional to look at his CV. If could be that there is something on there/not on there that is stopping employers from considering .
Practice interview techniques with him also. Ask him those questions that he is likely to be asked in an interview and help him gain more confidence.

I also tell you something; when your husband starts going out there earning good money, he will feel even more confident in himself and he will want to even do more.

I know its hard, but I want you to see it as a phase. Pray for strength and wisdom. Pray also for your husband that he finds favour and his helpers locate him speedily.
Pray that your home will grow in peace, love and joy and that one day soon you will be sharing a big testimony to encourage someone else in your position.

It is well with you.

OMG! Some of my fav people are here. Onegai and tearoses. I'm glad you have jumped in on this. Kweenkong I say a big thank you too. I think anyone who reads my rant front start to finish and replies has patience. You are also right that my husband is a good man. He is a decent fellow and I wont take that from him.

And yes I know you ladies cos cos i spend time here in family session (its one of my fav spots on Nairaland) but you wouldn't know me cos i never talk so don't try guessing who this is. I appreciate ladies. I'm going to go back to digest all you guys have written. Something must change for my family in this new year.

tearoses:
@unhappy what a username
That alone is signalling defeat

I read your post
Unfortunately NL is not the same as it used to be
People no longer feel safe to post real stories and share experiences here because if they do, the day they have a "fight with someone there stories will be dragged out and used against the person, hence people just post for light relief

If not, many people will honestly advise you that what you are doing/about to do is no big deal.
See many of us help our husbands in different ways. Forget all the men beating their chests that they cant let their wives do this and that.
Forget all those pictures of Range Rovers you see ladies posting on Instagram that their husbands bought for them.
Many women are bringing in the bacon and many are supporting with obtaining contracts, jobs and many are sponsoring their mens education and career advancement.

I know of father inlaws who have provided jobs, houses, cars and paid even fees for post graduate degrees abroad for their sons in laws.
Its not big deal if you have a sensible FIL, husband and wife. If you marry well then these things don't matter.

Especially in a country in Nigeria, many men need a helping hand across the river.
Even in obodo oyibo many men are changing career, studying for certification etc while the wife goes to work and holds the fort. I know heaps of men who have done/doing that.

My own husband changed career when we decided that the pinnacle of where he was though was satisfactory would not afford us the life style that we wanted.
He took a paycut and retrained. During that period I tried my hand at a lot of things, Ebay, event decorating, and I started a business.
In 2 years he was done and earns double what I earn now and I tease him when he starts complaining about how the tax man is dealing with him
I understand that some women don't feel comfortable with putting all their eggs in one basket but if you marry right, and put it all to God, then there should be no fear.

If you have married the right man, and he is a decent man and he has the fear of God, don't worry, do all that you can for him especially if you love the man.

A decent man wont forget your sacrifice and he will do everything within his power to make you happy.

My advise to you is will be in my next post.

I can be very emotional and this woman has just brought me to tears . What can I say to you? For you I have to weather the storm on the summit of mount Everest so I can stretch fought these hands and pull down the all-encompasing-blessings of God on you. If there are more wives like you out there, there will be less men in drinking parlours by sun down.

God bless the womb that bore YOU, bless the man that found YOU and bless your home.

@unhappy, your concern is genuine and I feel your fears. Your family's story will be an enviable one tomorrow. I am glad your submission it that you have a good man. Stand by him. Encourage but don't push him. Men/husbands hate to be pushed when they are down. Encourage and support his course and throw in your suggestions and ideas with pointers on its feasibility.

One last things, DONT STOP LOVING HIM because of where he is at the moment. No husband ever forgets his wife that stood by him through the storms. Women shouldn't mix a woman that stayed back but nagged her husband to the edge of insanity till luck smiled at him with a woman that stood and supported her husband to victory. They are two opposites.

God bless all the virtuous wives out there. Ya'all are Gems.

BluStreak:


I can be very emotional and this woman has just brought me to tears . What can I say to you? For you I have to weather the storm on the summit of mount Everest so I can stretch fought these hands and pull down the all-encompasing-blessings of God on you. If there are more wives like you out there, there will be less men in drinking parlours by sun down.

God bless the womb that bore YOU, bless the man that found YOU and bless your home.

There can be too much of everything but never too much prayers
Thank you for taking time out to pray for me and my family
A big Amen to your prayers
God bless you and your home too

tearoses:
Not all men/women can hustle, do business and run around . . . FACT! We are all different.
I am always busy and my hands active and I was selling clothes in higher institution and I can count the times I went home to ask for money from my parents cos there really wasnt much need to. I have also learnt so many new skills and I can decorate events, make beads, balloon decor, cakes & party drinks etc
That is just me. . . . . .But on the other-hand I haven't read a book in ages
Which shows that we all have our strengths and weaknesses
It sounds as if your husband is more of an academic person
He likes reading and he spends a lot of time online.
People tend to do better when they are doing what they like, so now that you are aware of your husbands likes and strengths, How can we work on that to bring money out of it
Forget all these get rich quick schemes . . . they dont work
What is his degree in?
did you say he is a computer programmer?
Have you considered him providing training for people?
can he fix computers/phones/gadgets?
can he open a small N2k a month shop in an agbo ile? and do small small repairs etc
My dear agbo ile shops make more money than some high street locations . . .trust me on this one.
Are there any certifications that he can do that will guarantee him a step through the door?
If he is sleeping due to frustration and lack of zeal, then you wake up and hold his hand and guide him
No point feeling resentment in silence as it wont help the situation. . .To help the situation you need to do something.
We are all human and we will all feel down if something we have been chasing for so long doesnt click.
You said he is hardworking
Therefore where you can, help present opportunities and ideas for him
You may have to be the stronger person for now
If you do and he doesn't get up then that's a different story
Your intern job will not solve the problem long term because all that will happen is that you will start bringing in a wage and he is still stagnant and that will annoy you and make you resent him further and you will end up disrespecting him.
Therefore as you are rising, hold him by the hand and lift him too
He is your husband.
Also pls get a professional to look at his CV. If could be that there is something on there/not on there that is stopping employers from considering .
Practice interview techniques with him also. Ask him those questions that he is likely to be asked in an interview and help him gain more confidence.
I also tell you something; when your husband starts going out there earning good money, he will feel even more confident in himself and he will want to even do more.
I know its hard, but I want you to see it as a phase. Pray for strength and wisdom. Pray also for your husband that he finds favour and his helpers locate him speedily.
Pray that your home will grow in peace, love and joy and that one day soon you will be sharing a big testimony to encourage someone else in your position.
It is well with you.

I just have to save this advice. God bless you madam tearoses and may He keep your home

babes how are things going?
hope you are happy now