hello to u all,

its been a long time since i posted in this section,

i just want to share an experience i had in the past week, i hope someone can gain a thing or two from it.

sorry it abit lenghty

my kids sunday school teachers husband died on last week wednesday. ( got it? na the lady dey teach my children for church
her name is doris, her husbands name is mickey, they are English)

so, back to the reason for this write up,

we went to the ladys house on sunday to visit, met her at the door, she yelled a big hello and carried my daughter
into her house and began to show us round her house.

then we sat down and she began to tell us how it happened, i know the man has been sick for awhile
he had diabetes and had a leg amputated.

got sick on xmas day and was taken to the hospital, he got diagnosed of cancer 4days later and the thing has spread.
they said he didnt have long to live, 36hrs later he was dead. on the day he died he got very sleep drifting in and out of
consciousness. so family started to travel down to say their goodbyes, his niece arrived from portugal at about 10pm, held his hand and called his name, he responded by squeezing her hands.

At about 3am that night, It was just the wife and their daughter that were left with him. his wife said, she sat on his bed put his head on her thighs , held his hand and told him it was ok to go, that she will be fine.

being that the man used to be a lorry driver, she then called his name and told him that he was going on a very long journey, that he shud get in his truck, start the engine, and asked him if he was ready, he nodded gently, she then asked him to start to move away, and she started to sing with his nick name (king of the road) a few minutes later, he completely stopped breathing.

i just sat there crying my heart out, for me it was so emotional, my mind went to the few deaths i have experienced in my family, especially dat of my elder brother, when he was taking his last breath we were all going crazy, shouting, wailing and the doctor too was shouting telling us to stop shouting.

now i sit here wondering, if my brother knew wat was going on, and if he did how did dat make him feel?
wat if one or two of us was calm enuf to sit wit him hold him and just tell him watever happens, we will be ok, mummy will be fine,
ur kids will be looked after, just some calm words to ease him into the after world.

i hope this give someone strength wen they need it becos death is inevitable, but we as a pple shud learn to compose our thoughts and behaviour even under difficult circumstances. today was his funeral service and cremation, the whole family was there very emotional but restrained. his widow sat on my table, telling us funny stories about her husbands sometimes silly behaviour, we laughed and laughed.



I aso want to implore us to show love to the sick and dying, not just by buying medicine or paying their bills, reassure them, hug them if possible, sit calmly with them and gist them positive and uplifting things.

Reach out to ur grand parents and other older relatives , u will regret it if u don't.

If u come across the scene of an accident and you DECIDE to stop, don't just get ur phone out and start snapping, see if anyone is still alive, stay with them and encourage them, take ur outer shirt or scarf off and use it to cover them if u can. tell them help is on the way. Ask them questions if they are responsive, about address, family etc. Pls dont move accident victims unless they are in danger.

Watever happens after that u knw u did something good for a fellow human being.

May GOD give us strength in our Hour of need AMEN.


Crackhaus

Woa!
What an emotional story.

ojeota:
Woa!
What an emotional story.

and to think i didnt tell u about the crematorium

am feeling subdued.

Death is very wicked o

Op you are right..... The greatest departing gift for a dying soul is comfort and love. It gives them the strength to face death like it were just a sleep. Since the eternal rest of my late sister.... ...... ... It has always dawn on me the miracle of loving/helping a dying soul.

Swissheart:
Op you are right..... The greatest departing gift for a dying soul is comfort and love. It gives them the strength to face death like it were just a sleep. Since the eternal rest of my late sister.... ...... ... It has always dawn on me the miracle of loving/helping a dying soul.

and to think i have never thought of it like dat,

there are lots of things i wud have done differently.

our culture has also conditioned us to feel like whoever cries the loudest,

loves the deceased most, sotay pple now hire criers to funerals, smh

Bebe2 thanks for sharing this awesome touching story.

Very touching.

Nice one op. This set my heart on memories.

cococandy:
Bebe2 thanks for sharing this awesome touching story.

U welcome sis

Soo touching....

Sorry about your brother Bebe

I think some of it is to do with our culture
We seem to be more emotional and vocal in everything including death.

oyibos are more conservative.

I have a colleague whose wife has been diagnosed with secondary cancer and she is on all sorts of treatment.
If you never asked the guy you wouldn't know what is happening.
He is the team clown
Wife had another op yesterday and the guy came into work as usual.
I was like "this man is strong".

Plus we see death as a bad thing. There is even a name for it.
They see it as part of life

It is always good to prepare yourself emotionally when you have a loved one that is about to die. When i lost my elder brother few months ago, i thought my mother was going to die with him but being that he died in her house she was stronger than all of us consoling everyone cause in her own way she helped my brother have a peaceful death. My brother said his goodbyes then told her the angels are waiting for him. Now all her prayers is to have the kind of peaceful death my brother had. Though it's still very painful but am consoled by my mother's strength. Thanks for sharing @bebe2, seeing this somehow relieved my pain a bit

bebe2:

[b]now i sit here wondering, if my brother knew wat was going on, and if he did how did dat make him feel?
[/b]wat if one or two of us was calm enuf to sit wit him hold him and just tell him watever happens, we will be ok, mummy will be fine,
ur kids will be looked after, just some calm words to ease him into the after world.

i hope this give someone strength wen they need it becos death is inevitable, but we as a pple shud learn to compose our thoughts and behaviour even under difficult circumstances. today was his funeral service and cremation, the whole family was there very emotional but restrained. his widow sat on my table, telling us funny stories about her husbands sometimes silly behaviour, we laughed and laughed.

May God give strength in our hour of Need. Amen

Wow, this is really touching. . . . It takes a lot of strenght to be composed while watching a loved one die. The whole chaos must have made your brother scared . . . poor man!

I remember watching a close friend die . . . the fear in his eye, not something I can ever forget. Sometimes I wish I did something to eas that fear . . .

Back to Naija culture . . . imagine a woman telling her husband it was ok to die . . . people will interpret it as being eager to be a widow so she can jump off to the next man.

When you see naija widows screaming, it's not because they are actually so sad that they can't control themselves, but they need to act their way so their in-laws won't accuse them of killing their child! The woman would probably have watched her husband suffer and in pains for so long and is probably releived he has gone off to a better place, but is she doesn't tear her wrapper and scream the walls down, she will be termed a 'black widow'.

Naija sha, I hail you!

Uncle Lalasticlala oya front page tinz make we hear more experiences..

Thanks for sharing bebe 2..

Very poignant as it made me remember my dads passing.

I believe my dad was one of those people who had made peace with the fact that he would die. I was mad at him for a while because I felt he did not fight his illness or kind of just gave up on life I am wiser now though to see that he could not stand the thought of being a burden and had made peace with the fact that death is part of life. He had always said that he would rather go than wither away and be a burden on those he loved and I remember how strong and vehement my mums Oloun Maje( God Forbid) used to be. I am sure he probably wished he could live to see his grandchildren but was practical enough to accept that he might not.

After the intial naija gra gra of crying the easiest way for us ( mum and siblings) to get over it was laughing at all the memories we had of him his antics and UNPC ( un politically correct ) way of seeing life. that my father was a character I remember when people told my mum she could not travel abroad for at least a year after his death, we all joked that even daddy in his Grave would say 'its not me you are mourning by sitting at home cos I don't see how your sitting at home will bring me back to life'

Even yesterday me and my sister still laughed over what he would have said at a recent family scenario.

Memories are so essential meen. So essential. Create them with your loved ones cos sad as it is mostly they will remember eventually when we are gone.

You're actually correct.

Ujoan:



Back to Naija culture . . . imagine a woman telling her husband it was ok to die . . . people will interpret it as being eager to be a widow so she can jump off to the next man.

When you see naija widows screaming, it's not because they are actually so sad that they can't control themselves, but they need to act their way so their in-laws won't accuse them of killing their child! The woman would probably have watched her husband suffer and in pains for so long and is probably releived he has gone off to a better place, but is she doesn't tear her wrapper and scream the walls down, she will be termed a 'black widow'.

Naija sha, I hail you!

damiso:
Thanks for sharing bebe 2..

Very poignant as it made me remember my dads passing.

I believe my dad was one of those people who had made peace with the fact that he would die. I was mad at him for a while because I felt he did not fight his illness or kind of just gave up on life I am wiser now though to see that he could not stand the thought of being a burden and had made peace with the fact that death is part of life. He had always said that he would rather go than wither away and be a burden on those he loved and I remember how strong and vehement my mums Oloun Maje( God Forbid) used to be. I am sure he probably wished he could live to see his grandchildren but was practical enough to accept that he might not.

After the intial naija gra gra of crying the easiest way for us ( mum and siblings) to get over it was laughing at all the memories we had of him his antics and UNPC ( un politically correct ) way of seeing life. that my father was a character I remember when people told my mum she could not travel abroad for at least a year after his death, we all joked that even daddy in his Grave would say 'its not me you are mourning by sitting at home cos I don't see how your sitting at home will bring me back to life'

Even yesterday me and my sister still laughed over what he would have said at a recent family scenario.

Memories are so essential meen. So essential. Create them with your loved ones cos sad as it is mostly they will remember eventually when we are gone.

It's lovely to know that u can think of ur dad and laugh about stuff he used do.

My brother and I are the same way, my brother remembers alot of my dad but I don't.

He said my dad will go and collect rent from tenants
and start counting the money on the dinning room table, then my step mum will come into the dinning room without knocking, my dad will jump off his chair shouting, why can't u knock before entering? By now he has quickly covered all the money with his agbada
my step mum will just look at him and quietly walk away, give her a few minutes and she will come back to say there is no food in the house oo, I need money. And my dad will start another round of shouting but my step mum is always very calm but she gets wat she wants from him.

bebe2:


and to think i didnt tell u about the crematorium

am feeling subdued.

Why was he cremeted? Is it a religion rite.

ojeota:


Why was he cremeted? Is it a religion rite.

No he is Catholic, his wife is church of england, the one we call Anglican in Nigeria.

He wanted a mixed mass, there is a name for it (requirium) not sure if the spelling is right.

bebe2:


No he is Catholic, his wife is church of england, the one we call Anglican in Nigeria.

He wanted a mixed mass, there is a name for it (requirium) not sure if the spelling is right.

Ok

ojeota:


Ok

i forgot to add, most people here get cremated, dont really know why , i guess its becos of the land shortage.

bebe2:


i forgot to add, most people here get cremated, dont really know why , i guess its becos of the land shortage.

Interesting
I cant imagine how it feels like being cremated when dead.
The body will be gone and all you are left with is just the soul.

ojeota:


Interesting
I cant imagine how it feels like being cremated when dead.
The body will be gone and all you are left with is just the soul.

either way the dead wont know na
but it wasnt as heartbreaking as watching a loved being buried, with cremation u dont see the final process.

the coffin is left on the stage and everyone leaves the chapel.

according to our Rev, the family will be called to collect the ashes on a later day.

they can then do wat they want wit.

some will sprinkle it in the garden, river or use it to plant a tree. others just keep it at home
depending on wat the deceased asked for.

ojeota:


Interesting
I cant imagine how it feels like being cremated when dead.
The body will be gone and all you are left with is just the soul.

I actually prefer that to being buried and rotting away.

Either way the body will be gone forever. Or can you recover a rotten body?

Cremation. Tufiakwa!

brabus:
Cremation. Tufiakwa!

dont knock it oo,

it wasnt dat bad, felt better than seeing ur loved one lowered to the ground and being covered with sand.

with this one u wall away and get a vase full of ashes the next day

brabus:
Cremation. Tufiakwa!

Cremation is not sure a bad thing. Then your ashes can be scattered in most of your favourite places. It could be your favourite holiday destinations or even the sea. The problem we have in Nigeria is that death is a forbidden topic. It is something that will certainly happen. We should have things like funeral plans so you have a say in how you go.

Look at David Bowie who died the other week he didn't want a funeral and he didn't have one. He was cremated with just three members of his family.

I wouldn't want my family to burden themselves with funeral costs, cos when I'm gone, I'm gone. The memories I have with my family now are more important I would breather that money went towards the needy.

Very touching! This thread brought me back to my Mom's passing. She died of brain tumor and complications of diabetes. Unfortunately, I was out of the country at that time, and my sister called me coz Mom is very critical. She could not speak but she can hear clearly as her tears was rolling down when she heard my voice. The last words i have said to her is "Nay you can sleep and rest now, don't worry about us", and assured her that I am going to take care of my younger sisters. Then for about two hours she passed away.

KzY:
Very touching! This thread brought me back to my Mom's passing. She died of brain tumor and complications of diabetes. Unfortunately, I was out of the country at that time, and my sister called me coz Mom is very critical. She could not speak but she can hear clearly as her tears was rolling down when she heard my voice. The last words i have said to her is "Nay you can sleep and rest now, don't worry about us", and assured her that I am going to take care of my younger sisters. Then for about two hours she passed away.

awww,

good she cud hear you, am sure that also gave u a sense of peace.

it is most difficult for those who live outside the country.

the number of pple dat have died since i left home, is unthinkable.

but thats life, lots of babies where born too

bebe2:


awww,

good she cud hear you, am sure that also gave u a sense of peace.

it is most difficult for those who live outside the country.

the number of pple dat have died since i left home, is unthinkable.

but thats life, lots of babies where born too

The part of letting go is truly heartbreaking. But then, it was a quite a relief for us because we will no longer see her sufferings and pains.

Thanks for sharing and reminding us in every way.

My goodness!

I saw the title of this post hours ago and I just zoomed past writing it off as the usual NL fluke.

This is the most sensible post I've read on NL in ages.

Thank you for this.

Most Africans are expressive and shouting screaming is all ways of expressing their grief. However, most have never really thought of the feelings of the sick person, and how to make the transition of the terminally ill seamless.

Dying shouldn't be too scary especially for someone who probably knows hes dying if those around them can be calm and lucid enough to make the process smooth and peaceful.