My fiance died over 10 yrs ago. i got married 2 years later, but i cant get him out of my mind. i still  keep a photo of him in my album. I dont really think i love my husband -  it was ok at first but as we went on, i dont see why i married him in the first place, Looks like i was on a rebound or something, i recall i never even suggested marrying him, most of the marrying thing came from him . i now have two kids etc - love them loads but cant say i love my husband. we are just co-existing together.

What can i do. I dont want a divorce and yet i cannot get myself to love him. However,  we have had our own share marital problems.  But all i think of is if my life would have been diff if for my 1st passing away. i still cry sometimes thinking about him an even as i type this out. Anyone any constructive advice please would be nice. i know they say if cant be with the one you love , love the one you are with. but these advice are hard to implement practically. Sad to say, i sometimes wish my present one was dead instaed of my late fiance. Am i going crazy. this cant be normal.

//

@Topic
No, Not Normal

nicemum:

My fiance died over 10 yrs ago. i got married 2 years later, but i cant get him out of my mind. i still  keep a photo of him in my album. I dont really think i love my husband -  it was ok at first but as we went on, i dont see why i married him in the first place, Looks like i was on a rebound or something, i recall i never even suggested marrying him, most of the marrying thing came from him . i now have two kids etc - love them loads but cant say i love my husband. we are just co-existing together.

What can i do. I dont want a divorce and yet i cannot get myself to love him. However,  we have had our own share marital problems.  But all i think of is if my life would have been diff if for my 1st passing away. i still cry sometimes thinking about him an even as i type this out. Anyone any constructive advice please would be nice. i know they say if cant be with the one you love , love the one you are with. but these advice are hard to implement practically. Sad to say, i sometimes wish my present one was dead instaed of my late fiance. Am i going crazy. this cant be normal.

@Poster
You need to release him from the prison of your heart(where you,ve held him hostage for the past 10 years).You are finding it hard to love your husband because a dead man is presently  occupying(held hostage by you) where he is supposed to be.
I know releasing him might be hard but you can start on a gradual note by burning that picture you still hold on to, take a step further by dwelling more on the positives of your present husband.
You really need to put in extra effort, your life is yours to make or mar.

nicemum:

My fiance died over 10 yrs ago. i got married 2 years later, but i cant get him out of my mind. i still  keep a photo of him in my album. I dont really think i love my husband -  it was ok at first but as we went on, i dont see why i married him in the first place, Looks like i was on a rebound or something, i recall i never even suggested marrying him,  most of the marrying thing came from him . i now have two kids etc - love them loads but cant say i love my husband. we are just co-existing together.

What can i do. I dont want a divorce and yet i cannot get myself to love him. However,  we have had our own share marital problems.  But all i think of is if my life would have been diff if for my 1st passing away. i still cry sometimes thinking about him an even as i type this out. Anyone any constructive advice please would be nice. i know they say if cant be with the one you love , love the one you are with. but these advice are hard to implement practically. Sad to say, i sometimes wish my present one was dead instaed of my late fiance. Am i going crazy. this cant be normal.

so sorry to hear this. i know NLders will do justice to this.  being a nicemum you may want to be a nice wife too by tearing that foto and creating room for your hubby in your heart.  you cant carry two men at once. your ex would want u to lead a happy and fulfilled life
chaircover is one of NL resident agony aunt so listen to her great advice you will come out better. 
if u need to go see a bereavement coounsellor pls do.  it really help.
wish you well

Truth is sometimes bitter; but it must be told. Leave the world of wishes and fantasies and face REALITY! Even if you grieve from now till eternity, you will NEVER have a chance with your dead fiance again. What you get, instead, is a multpilication (and complication) of your travails, just as you're currently experiencing. So accept what has happened and see how to make the best of what you have at hand, your loving husband and two lovely kids.

Moreover, you should also not be too focused on yourself that you forget the interests of others, your husband especially. Put yourself in his shoes. Think of how you'd feel if a man who voluntarily agreed to marry you refused to show you love or care about your feelings simply because of a dead fiance. It's totally unfair. If you feel you can never let go of the dead man, then let go of the living man. Everything shouldn't be about YOU. He deserves to be happy too!

Thanks all for your advice. I have tried to live the past behind, i even went to Nigeria and made attempt to se his people so i can get some form of closure. Maybe the photo i have should be destroyed, and that may help. I would try that and if all fails a bereavement counsellor sounds like a good idea. However the love for my husband hopefully should come then later abi. but we dont really gell together so i guess that is one thing that may be making me rekindle the past. always on opposite sides of any thing. i have tried to remain quite most times just to let it lie but as we have different views in life, it gets difficult sometimes. this thing is serious oh, i even detest the man touching me - i recoil, he just irritates me. someone help. do i need my head examined or do you think is the same issue.

nicemum:

Thanks all for your advice. I have tried to live the past behind, i even went to Nigeria and made attempt to se his people so i can get some form of closure. Maybe the photo i have should be destroyed, and that may help. I would try that and if all fails a bereavement counsellor sounds like a good idea. However the love for my husband hopefully should come then later abi. but we dont really gell together so i guess that is one thing that may be making me rekindle the past. always on opposite sides of any thing. i have tried to remain quite most times just to let it lie but as we have different views in life, it gets difficult sometimes. this thing is serious oh, i even detest the man touching me - i recoil, he just irritates me. someone help. do i need my head examined or do you think is the same issue.

relationships gradually fall apart. there may have been lots incidents so if you love your marriage and self i would suggest go for couselling it may just be the best money you ever spent.

//

chaircover:

I agree with JJYOU.

I don’t think you need bereavement counselling; I think you need marriage counselling.

You’ve been married to your husband for 10 years and I want to believe that you did see something in him & loved him at one point in time its just that is lost.

The “If only I have married my dead fiancé my life would have been so much happier” is just your way of feeling sorry for yourself in the situation you find yourself.

You have a choice; you can fight for your marriage to get it back on track or just leave it to rot.

You mention your husband and you on opposite sides. My husband and I are completely different people too; different backgrounds, different views, different careers, different interests etc but one thing remains constant and that is Love, which conquers all.

Can I also say if I’m allowed to say this on this forum (this being the family forum and not the sexuality forum) – Sex does improve marital relationships. If you continue to recoil from your husband when he touches you then you continue to place a wedge between you.

Married ladies in the house will agree with me that a well stomach fed & well "other areas" fed husband is a much easier husband to deal & reason with.

you are so right. the compatibility school of tot has a lot to answer for. Christ, His love and agreement on being the best friends works for us very nicely. i must admit she is a very easy person to get on with unless you are a very foolish person in which case you lose an extremely nice person which is not worth it.

i like to beleive your marriage is worth saving at least for yourself and 2 kids. give it a try and see how it goes you may begin to enjoy it. you are not the first couple with your situation they would have come across.

@poster
is ure spouse a good husband to u? after all this time why not let the dead rest in peace?
focus on making a happy home for those around u that are still alive and get over this foolishness.!Even if u were married to the block before he died,10yrs is enough time to mourn anybody.! MOVE ON.

Hi phillybabe
Time they say is a healer, however, each and everyone grieve in diff ways and time, so i guess whilst your advice is to move on and forget, it is not as easy as you think. If you were in my shoes then i guess i would say then probably your understanding and mine would be on par, however, your advice is noted.

I really do feel 4 u i cant imagine wat u are goin thru d guilt and dislike 4 ur husband but u have 2 move on . List 10 dat u like abt u present husband , do u in ur heart know dat he loves u , does he love ur kids and provide 4 all of u. Den if all ur ans is yes he deserves to be loved. Ur dead guy cannot lift a finger to help himself not to talk of u.think of u kids dont deprive dem of a father who loves dem. I am not married but i know dat most women make a DECISION to love their husband inspite of anytin and everitin make dat decision if u know he doesnt deserve what he is gettin. Above all pray 4 d wisdom of God to show u rite 4rm wrong.

@Poster


u need spiritual, medical, psychological, mental examination.

This is very serious.
You need to let him go, you need to free your mind, he is gone and aint coming back.
Put all your strenght into you marriage and i am sure you will be fine.

phillybabe:

@poster
            is ure spouse a  good husband to u? after all this time why not let the dead rest in peace?
focus on making a happy home for those around u that are still alive and get over this foolishness.!Even if u were married to the block before he died,10yrs is enough time to mourn anybody.! MOVE ON.

chei this is harsh. she didnt say she killed the boy.  

this may be hard for you to understand people grieve differently.

I agree with theolar, alot of women do decide to love their husbands no matter what and they achieve it. you say his touching you is "irritating", girl that is really serious. Fortunately, i perceive you want to be happy, but the ball is in your court, i believe you can deal with this thing, just try harder, at least for your kids.

nicemum:

My fiance died over 10 yrs ago. i got married 2 years later, but i cant get him out of my mind. i still  keep a photo of him in my album. I dont really think i love my husband -  it was ok at first but as we went on, i dont see why i married him in the first place, Looks like i was on a rebound or something, i recall i never even suggested marrying him, most of the marrying thing came from him . i now have two kids etc - love them loads but cant say i love my husband. we are just co-existing together.

What can i do. I dont want a divorce and yet i cannot get myself to love him. However,  we have had our own share marital problems.  But all i think of is if my life would have been diff if for my 1st passing away. i still cry sometimes thinking about him an even as i type this out. Anyone any constructive advice please would be nice. i know they say if cant be with the one you love , love the one you are with. but these advice are hard to implement practically. Sad to say, i sometimes wish my present one was dead instaed of my late fiance. Am i going crazy. this cant be normal.

yea right? did anybody force you to marry him? did he tie your head with a rope? or did he threaten you with a gun? you married out of your own freewill so drop all these foolish excuses

,amebo no1:

yea right? did anybody force you to marry him? did he tie your head with a rope? or did he threaten you with a gun? you married out of your own freewill so drop all these foolish excuses

you will have to work out your purnishment for this.  she may have gone into it just to move on but as they say  easier said than done.

True.

//

mumu
the solution is to die so that you can go and marry your dead man.

anuofia

chaircover:

I beg Its abnormal o!.

How many of us go on to marry our first love?

10 years is a long time to be craving for the first love to the detriment of her current love

There is a difference btw marrying the first love and the first love dead.

JustGood:

mumu
the solution is to die so that you can go and marry your dead man.

anuofia

take am easy with the sista oh

@ Poster

You have to move on with you life,love your husband and pray for God's intervention

@Poster,ur stories brought back memories to me.i was once in the same boat . . .mine was a little bit worse,we were slated to be married,he died 2 weeks to our trad wedding.He was my first love,we were both young(i was 19+ and he was 24),grew up together,were best friends.
It was really bad,no one ever knew i was gonna survive.The pains and hurt. . .But i thank God for today.i locked out myself from the world ofcos,the world and things passed me by.i dreaded men,women everyone,i felt everyone and life itself was wicked.i was so foolish,i wud celebrate his birthdays and forget mine.lol
I was so in-love- with his memories that i went to his place,was living there and was willing to marry him even in death.Thank God for his parents,they kept talking with me,they made me understand hes gone and he wud want me to be happy and live my life.I mourned him for 3 years,buried him and moved on with life.God has been faithful as Today am happily married to the worlds best man.Sometimes i look back and laugh at the goodies i wud have missed,sis,life is good and is for the living alone.
So dear,appreciate the man that God have given u,dont ever compare ur hubby with ur dead BF(dats recipe for disaster).Be courageous,speak to ur innerself that life is for the living and no amt of crying,loving,grieving or anything wud bring back ur BF.
U honestly dont need anyone to help u out,Infact no one can even help u but urself(i went counselling for 6 mths. . .waste of money and time).Throw away self-pity,tell urself that u are strong,Thank God for the wonderful family hes given u and believe me everything wud be alright.

please everybody should help beg her to join the fiance for she is disturbing the husband, but please also me tell that she better no where guy is or else if find herself in her she should not blain the guy oooooooooooooo

Rogo:

please everybody should help beg her to join the fiance for she is disturbing the husband, but please also me tell that she better no where guy is or else if find herself in her she should not blain the guy oooooooooooooo

Rogo u went too far,haba.
u had a point though.@Poster,dont forget ur husband is humane,dont punish him for a crime he did not commit.He might be forced to look elsewhere for fulfilment so,forget abt the dead man and enjoy what God has given u.

Ifyalways, do u mind taking a look at some of my posts @ d romance section. u seem matured in some of ur posts. Thanks

nicemum:

My fiance died over 10 yrs ago. i got married 2 years later, but i cant get him out of my mind. i still keep a photo of him in my album. I dont really think i love my husband - it was ok at first but as we went on, i dont see why i married him in the first place, Looks like i was on a rebound or something, i recall i never even suggested marrying him, most of the marrying thing came from him . i now have two kids etc - love them loads but cant say i love my husband. we are just co-existing together.

What can i do. I dont want a divorce and yet i cannot get myself to love him. However, we have had our own share marital problems. But all i think of is if my life would have been diff if for my 1st passing away. i still cry sometimes thinking about him an even as i type this out. Anyone any constructive advice please would be nice. i know they say if cant be with the one you love , love the one you are with. but these advice are hard to implement practically. [size=14pt]Sad to say, i sometimes wish my present one was dead instaed of my late fiance. [/size] Am i going crazy. this cant be normal.

Forget marital counselling or bereavement counselling for now, for you to utter this, you need urgent psychiatric intervention, ten years is too long to be wallowing in depressive stupor over someone who is not coming back. Seek help for the sake of your children before it is too late.

Sad to say, i sometimes wish my present one was dead instaed of my late fiance

the grass is always greener on the other side.

Had you married him, you might still be complaining, since nobody's perfect. Sorry if I sound harsh.

But let your fiance rest in peace and stop comparing the living with the dead. It doesnt sound right.

Thanks all for your comments though, i guess, something in my present life is failing and i am just clinging to the past - what could have been, so to speak. Anyhow, i have made a drastic move to visit the family of my past and bury the hatchet once and for all - as I left the state where they were years ago and have had minimal contact. this will hopefully give me some closure - my intention - bury the dead man for good.
However as for my present situation, that has not changed as i realise that my longing for the past is as a result of what i am experiencing now. The most difficult thing i cannot stand from supposely better half is the fact that he chooses to abuse my parents time after time ( all names under the sun - he has called them - i have spoken to his mum and my parents are aware of this) even after his mum spoke to him - he carries on. no respect for my parents then no respect from me to him and my legs stay close - banished.
I am from a broken home as he is as well - i guess maybe thats the problem - he never grew up with his mum from the age of two - made contact 11 years ago with my persuasion and now they enjoy a wonderful relationship.