fellow nairalanders, please help me, I got married earlier this year to my husband  and ve joined him here in the UK.He s lived in the Uk for few years now and has a child with another woman who was his ex wife {oyibo)though they last year divorced, before our wedding,he always came home to naija to visit me and we spent quality time together and then he goes back to the UK and stood firm by me despite all pressure with marrying me.also promised me that we  ll not ve any problem as long as his child and ex wife are concerned.
  , he brings his child to spend a day out of every weekend with us and takes her back to the mother,his ex wife.whenever the child is around,he spends all the time with her,hes the first thing on her mind all the time, i ve tried to understand but i am beginning to lose it gradually, the child is very possessive and tries to snatch everything of the dad she sees me with, sometimes my husy will tell me to just leave it for her and few times ,he tell her to leave d thing and come over to him, I hardly get  his attention any time shes around and he gets tired after driving long distance from work on week days.i tried getting close to the child and taking her like my own daughter but the second week of my stay,i saw a text where he replied his ex wife a question the exwife asked him about what the child will address me as and when she ll introduce me to her,and he told her that the child will not call me mother ,rather my first name or aunty and that the child comes first in everything and that he ll maintain her privacy whenever shes in our house,in summary. I got really shattered,heartbroken and demoralized and withdrew myself .when we go out,they play alone cos am not close to the child,am like a stranger anytime shes around ,i feel he doesnt want the child to think that hes close to me, i dont just get it, i dont go with him to pick or drop her apart from twice when i came newly. am preg.now and when i think about how things re going,i feel very bad, even though we ve had issues in the past cos of his exwife and child,he also told me sometime that his r/ship with them is his business, he ll always tell me he loves me dearly and that the love he has for me as his wife is different from d love he has for a child.recently he told me that the child is very possessive but that when she grows up,thing will be explained to her, I ve resorted to my fate but I have a feeling that things might get worse in future if it continues this way and  it bothers me, i do not want to ve a divided home, this was not what i expected and the whole thing is burning up my  brain when i think about it, i ve summarized it in a shorter way.I dont understand , 

please help with your candid advice?useful advice needed urgently please!

Some questions for a better understanding of your situation:

1. How old is this "rival" of yours - I mean the child?
2. Did you say what's burning up your brain happens ONCE in seven days?
3. How does your man relate with you when this child is not around - is he loving, caring etc?
4. Did your husband ever prevent you from relating with the child, apart from the text message you saw in which he said the child would not call you "mother"?
5. Were you expecting the child to call you 'mother' when she stays with her biological mother all through the week?

Going by your narration, I think the situation in your family can only be resolved through maturity, patience and good communication.

Maturity demands that (1) You don't see a little girl that comes once in seven days as a "rival" and potential home-breaker.  Seeing her as a competitor will continue to widen the emotional gap between the two of you. (2) You expect your husband to spend time with her - she's an integral part of his life (3) You don't sulk when she's around (4) You don't allow what happens once in a week to make you moody, bitter and hypertensive.

Patience demands that (1) You understand that, naturally, the child might still be seeing you as a stranger and that could be responsible for her attitude towards you. (2) You try to relate with the child like a mother and tolerate her 'excesses' ( as you would to your own child who didn't know you early enough) until she gets used to you. I sense you started having problems with that child from that second week of your stay. That's way too soon!!!

Good communication requires that (1) You don't nag your husband over the issue so he doesn't see you as selfish or immature (2) You share your ideas (not anxieties, worries and fears) with him on how the three of you could get along better without any friction (3) You choose a convenient time and tone to discuss the issue with him - definitely not when the child is around

I think you should try to calm down for the sake of the child you're carrying. And I don't think the situation will get worse as you're envisaging. If he loves kids that much, then you can be sure of what he'll do when yours arrive

Women shld be careful when going into a marriage with a man who has kids from prior marriages. Better safe than sorry.

things will only get worse . . .

pinkielove:

fellow nairalanders, please help me, I got married earlier this year to my husband  and ve joined him here in the UK.He s lived in the Uk for few years now and has a child with another woman who was his ex wife {oyibo)though they last year divorced, before our wedding,he always came home to naija to visit me and we spent quality time together and then he goes back to the UK and stood firm by me despite all pressure with marrying me.also promised me that we  ll not ve any problem as long as his child and ex wife are concerned.
  , he brings his child to spend a day out of every weekend with us and takes her back to the mother,his ex wife.whenever the child is around,he spends all the time with her,hes the first thing on her mind all the time, i ve tried to understand but i am beginning to lose it gradually, the child is very possessive and tries to snatch everything of the dad she sees me with, sometimes my husy will tell me to just leave it for her and few times ,he tell her to leave d thing and come over to him, I hardly get  his attention any time shes around and he gets tired after driving long distance from work on week days.i tried getting close to the child and taking her like my own daughter but the second week of my stay,i saw a text where he replied his ex wife a question the exwife asked him about what the child will address me as and when she ll introduce me to her,and he told her that the child will not call me mother ,rather my first name or aunty and that the child comes first in everything and that he ll maintain her privacy whenever shes in our house,in summary. [b]I got really shattered,heartbroken and demoralized and withdrew myself .when we go out,they play alone cos am not close to the child,am like a stranger anytime shes around ,i feel he doesnt want the child to think that hes close to me, i dont just get it, i dont go with him to pick or drop her apart from twice when i came newly. am preg.now and when i think about how things re going,i feel very bad, even though we ve had issues in the past cos of his exwife and child,he also told me sometime that his r/ship with them is his business, he ll always tell me he loves me dearly and that the love he has for me as his wife is different from d love he has for a child.recently he told me that the child is very possessive but that when she grows up,thing will be explained to her, I ve resorted to my fate but I have a feeling that things might get worse in future if it continues this way and  it bothers me, i do not want to ve a divided home, this was not what i expected and the whole thing is burning up my  brain when i think about it, i ve summarized it in a shorter way.I dont understand ,  [/b]
please help with your candid advice?useful advice needed urgently please!

calm down it is not the end of the world.  there is no issue here. this child only comes into your life 1 day in a week i beg.  if i were you i would leave this matter alone cos it will stress you and the child wont go away.

yes she may be possesive that is the result of the insecurity caused by a broken home.  children fear more than adults know. she is a vulnerable young child that is living away from the dad only to see another woman taking her mums place.  she cant throw a party for you  so stop expecting one.

if you were the mother i know you wont like him bringing his wife to your house to pick up your kid so plesae relax.

i listened to a chineese woman yesterday explained that that the stress and agro naija women cause themselves is responsible for most of the ailments you dont find in westen women.

do not expect a child that is not your bioligical child to call you mummy.  that is a nigerian thing.  it is not right and i think it is your responsibility as an adult to know this not the child who rightly knows her mum.

there is need to communicate properly with your husband not over this matter though becos i dont know how he is going to stop bringing the child home or would you prefer the child going somewhere else with your husband?

you dont want to stress a mariage at this early stage cos it will wear and tear the fabric that you wont enjoy the aftermath.  you may not know relationships are very fragile in this part of the world so hold on to what you have got and build on it.

wish you luck

davidylan:

Women shld be careful when going into a marriage with a man who has kids from prior marriages. Better safe than sorry.

things will only get worse . . .

be very sure you are going to be eaten raw for saying this bro david.  i always know it is not a good thing to date people with kids becos the agro is not worth it.  again let me say it is my choice cos i know the NL femi nazis are going to go to press on this soon.  i dont have anything against single parents like i have always said but i do know i cant stand  the associated stress and drama.i do have some good Godly single parents but not my personal choice hope you all will understand this. we have been here before so lets not go there.

You are making a big deal out of the whole thing. The little child is just being a spoilt brat and you are letting her gte to you. I guess you are just acting like a typical Nigerian. Your husband's child is not your child and you should never try to take the place of her mother or exect her to treat you like her mother.

When she gets older she'll learn to be more repectful but for now treat her like the child she is and stop acting liking like a child yourself.


_{Sorry if I sounded harsh, that's just the way I sound}

Pinkielove - As a man who has handled exactly this situation before,and currently i can tell u most of the solution lies with ur husband. He is the one who will lay down boundaries and rules , and consider the feelings of all concerned here. It is not easy to juggle all these feelings and come up with a solution everybody is happy with.

Of course, the child cannot call u "Mother", for she already has a mother in her life. The only thing she can call you is "Aunty". Also, ur husband is correct in reassuring the child's Mother about this. U would not want ur child to call another woman "mother" would u?

Saying this though, ur husband is ultimately responsible for pulling all the strands of this family unit(U, him, and the child) together into one coherent string. He needs to encourage the child to be comfortable with you, rather than encourage the childs natural instinct to see u as the outsider. Remember, the child's still see the dad and mum as its family unit, though she knows that they are no together.

You need to communicate with him on how u want to be part of the child's life. Though u are an Aunty, u need to start behaving like the child's mother and taking responsibility, rather than asking for it to be given. U also need to draw close to the child's mother, if possible. If she trusts u with her kid, majority of these issues will disappear overnight.
Let me know how it goes

You need to quit making a mountain out of a molehill, and the reason for that text was just for the man to pacify the ex, otherwise she would prolly use that against him and stop him from  seeing his daughter. In the UK, it is only your biological mother you call Mummy/Mother, every one else is Aunty, even if they are old enough to be your great great great grandmother  

Saying this though, you need to find a quiet time to talk to your husband about involving you when the child is around, you need to go by your instinct if it is telling you that his behaviour is a bit underhanded and it seems like the other woman has him by the balls

But hang in there, and take care of yourself whilst pregnant, the last thing you want is to get depressed and pass this onto your baby. Start making a list of the baby stuff you are going to need and shopping for bits and pieces right now, if you have space for a nursery in your house, start investing time there and keep your hubby involved all the way, once you have your own baby for him too, things will definitely change, and let him be at the birth and be heavily involved in bringing him/her up too.

The child is important just as yours will be to the father.
the woman will forever be in the life of the man cos they have a child together.
The father wont cos of you abandon the child, u shd even encourage him more.
Find a way to bond with the child, else, the child will be the one to break you and your man.

Great advice from gen2genius and romeo4real.

Consultant:

Great advice from gen2genius and romeo4real.

No point in repetition. Those 2 guys genius2genius and romeo4real gave the best advices. Blend the two and you will have peace

romeo4real and gengenius _ ,thank you for your all NL for your advice, anwering your questions,he normally brings her on saturday morning and takes her back sunday morning,so she spends a night with us,  what i dont understand where my husy is that i dont see his actions as wanting me to get close to the child,he whispers to the child most times when he talks to her even if we re in the same room which i dont also get , showers her himself cos d girl is not close to me,the only thing i do for her is cook what she eats and sometimes cos of my condition my husy does makes her breakfast,  for her mother,my husy ve not introduced us formally,she only saw me when i went with my husy to pick the girl,she is 3yrs, how can i just badge into the woman like that when it is my husy whos suppossed to create that environment, thats why i feel that hes not handling things well and thats why it pains me most, as for the girl i understand shes a kid  and do not ve any problems with her at all.I just feel  my husy does not want that bond between me and the girl, he didnt prevent me from relating with the child just that his actions tend to say so ,  i was nt expecting the child to call me mother ,i only wrote what i saw in the text , I feel he doesnt want to pull the strands together,   and i feel thats why the child is still seeing me as an outsider.just last week,he told me that am excluding myself from things happening around him cos i left the sitting room to the bedroom as a result of fever that i was ving and he was in the sitting room his daughter.I didnt discuss anything on that with him cos i feel he s the one excluding me.I ve not talked to him about this issue.

//

yep, i understand what you are passing through, but i will advice you to be patience, keep on praying to God that whatever business him and your rival have meaning his ex-wife, that God should broke that yoke, and since he say his is own business, just allow him to his fate, but you must be patinece with him even though he does not pay attention to you

I was thinking the said child is a teenager but a 3 yr old baby haba you are the problem here

chaircover:

The ball is in your court.

You can make or break the relationship with your husband’s daughter.

I see that you are blaming everyone around you except yourself. Let’s look at this logically taking away sentiment.

Your husband has nothing to gain by deliberately cutting you off or preventing a normal relationship between you & his daughter.

He probably stretched out to you but you missed the olive branch and your husband has now decided to care for his daughter with or without your support.

Don’t ever think that if it comes to the crunch you can compete with his daughter. His daughter is his flesh and blood. There is a deep seated bond there. Generally speaking daddies are very close to their baby girls.

You not being able to get a three year old to your side says a lot about your maturity.

Seems you went into the relationship with this 3 year old with a typical Naija mindset towards their husbands children and now damage has been done you are not very happy about it.

The next time the girl comes, forget about your “condition” and get on the floor and play with this child. Take her to Toys r us and buy her toys, take her to Macdonalds or take her to activity world or whatever you have in your area. Leave your husband at home.

Take her to B& Q and get her to choose nice wall paper or paint for her room. Put on a mask to filter out the paint fumes and give her a brush and you both paint he room.

Take her to your tailor and sew the same style dress in the same fabric, play with her, cook with her, put a paddling pool in your garden and both get in it. Put her in the car & take her to your friends who will make a fuss of her. Make your hair in the same style.

For Gods sake she is only 3

The earlier you come to understand that your husbands daughter is your daughter and any child you have for your husband will not be loved by your husband any more than this 3 year old the better for you.

Love me . . .Love my dog.

This is exactly the same advice I would offer.

Talk to your husband and tell him you would like his help in doing things with the child.

Because he only has one day a week with her he maybe reluctent at first to let you spend most of the day with her alone so ask him to come but to take a back seat role.
You drive and let her ride up front and hubby in the backseat.
You ask her where she would like to go to first. - have several things lined up that she can choose from

Show her that you care about what she cares about.

At that age children can be bribed with shinny new things or fun outtings.

sistawoman:

This is exactly the same advice I would offer.

Talk to your husband and tell him you would like his help in doing things with the child.

Because he only has one day a week with her he maybe reluctent at first to let you spend most of the day with her alone so ask him to come but to take a back seat role.
You drive and let her ride up front and hubby in the backseat.
You ask her where she would like to go to first. - have several things lined up that she can choose from

Show her that you care about what she cares about.

At that age children can be bribed with shinny new things or fun outtings.

So true.
A small kid like that can still be changed and molded to what we want.
So be a good step Mom and do a good job on him, haba.

romeo4real and gengenius _ ,thank you for your all NL for your advice, anwering your questions,he normally brings her on saturday morning and takes her back sunday morning,so she spends a night with us,  what i dont understand where my husy is that i dont see his actions as wanting me to get close to the child,he whispers to the child most times when he talks to her even if we re in the same room which i dont also get , showers her himself cos d girl is not close to me,the only thing i do for her is cook what she eats and sometimes cos of my condition my husy does makes her breakfast,  for her mother,my husy ve not introduced us formally,she only saw me when i went with my husy to pick the girl,she is 3yrs, how can i just badge into the woman like that when it is my husy whos suppossed to create that environment, thats why i feel that hes not handling things well and thats why it pains me most, as for the girl i understand shes a kid  and do not ve any problems with her at all.I just feel my husy does not want that bond between me and the girl, he didnt prevent me from relating with the child just that his actions tend to say so ,  i was nt expecting the child to call me mother ,i only wrote what i saw in the text , I feel [/b]he doesnt want to pull the strands together,   and [b]i feel thats why the child is still seeing me as an outsider.just last week,he told me that am excluding myself from things happening around him cos i left the sitting room to the bedroom as a result of fever that i was ving and he was in the sitting room his daughter.I didnt discuss anything on that with him cos[b] i feel [/b]he s the one excluding me.I ve not talked to him about this issue.

You're such an interesting person. Did you observe how many times you used the expression, "I feel" in your post? And that's exactly where the problem is. WRONG FEELINGS. You're busy "feeling" instead of THINKING and ACTING rationally. You said your husband doesn't prevent you from relating with the child. Then why don't you relate? You said it's because of his actions. What actions? He doesn't allow you to shower the kid. Why would he when you've not made conscious efforts to relate with the child with maternal maturity, understanding and patience? If he actually felt you shouldn't be close to the child he wouldn't have allowed you to make breakfast for her. And because you're FEELING too much without thinking, it has never occurred to you that the reason you gave for your husband's occasional decision to cook for the child could be the same reason why he showers her himself - being considerate of your condition and disposition!

My advice to you is to for once stop "feeling" and "assuming!" - Take decisive steps to relate cordially with the child. Do it sincerely and consistently and watch if things don't change soon. And as I said earlier, if there are things that are not clear to you, politely bring them to the notice of your husband and he'll explain to you. That's much better than dying in silence and reading disturbing meanings into his every action! Your husband even made you to know that he's not happy you're alienating yourself from him and his daughter. That's why he reacted that way when you left the sitting room. I'm sure he must have been observing your mood and attitude and wondering why you could be acting so strange. If indeed it was the fever that made you leave, you would have politely excused yourself. I'm sure you must have been sulking. Please handle this issue more maturely and act, not feel!

gen2genius:

You're such an interesting person. Did you observe how many times you used the expression, "I feel" in your post? And that's exactly where the problem is. WRONG FEELINGS. You're busy "feeling" instead of THINKING and ACTING rationally. You said your husband doesn't prevent you from relating with the child. Then why don't you relate? You said it's because of his actions. What actions? He doesn't allow you to shower the kid. Why would he when you've not made conscious efforts to relate with the child with maternal maturity, understanding and patience? If he actually felt you shouldn't be close to the child he wouldn't have allowed you to make breakfast for her. And because you're FEELING too much without thinking, it has never occurred to you that the reason you gave for your husband's occasional decision to cook for the child could be the same reason why he showers her himself - being considerate of your condition and disposition!

My advice to you is to for once stop "feeling" and "assuming!" - Take decisive steps to relate cordially with the child. Do it sincerely and consistently and watch if things don't change soon. And as I said earlier, if there are things that are not clear to you, politely bring them to the notice of your husband and he'll explain to you. That's much better than dying in silence and reading disturbing meanings into his every action! Your husband even made you to know that he's not happy you're alienating yourself from him and his daughter. That's why he reacted that way when you left the sitting room. I'm sure he must have been observing your mood and attitude and wondering why you could be acting so strange. If indeed it was the fever that made you leave, you would have politely excuse yourself. I'm sure you must have been sulking. Please handle this issue more maturely and act, not feel!

I bow for your advice.
very brilliant

I think the poster is very lucky getting all these advices especially when some nasty and immature posters have not gotten into the thread to make your problem more worse by giving you the bashing of your life . Seriously i consider your problem solved if you keep to all the words from people so far coupled with your own persional efforts towards changing the situation for good. And most importantly "PRAYER". The whole thing might look simple but seeking GOD interventions is always the best thing to do in everything.

I think you should be happy with your husband too. He must be a very mature and intelligent dude looking at what you ve said about him so far. You might not agree with me though

What if the 3 year old is yours and she throws tauntrums? what will you do? Make her your rival or deal with the issue? Come on a 3 year old is just a baby