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Nairaland Forum / Nairaland / General / Politics / The Naira-dollar Blues By Reuben Abati (hilarious) (983 Views)
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The Naira-dollar Blues By Reuben Abati (hilarious) by igraman(m): 5:01pm On Feb 27, 2016 |
“My brother, e ku exchange rate oh.”
“Excuse me?”
“I am greeting you. I am saying how are you and
the exchange rate palaver. The dollar wahala”.
“So, that is why you are saying e ku exchange
rate. Is something wrong with you Yoruba
people? Must you turn everything into a form of
greeting?”
“You are insulting me?”
“I am making a statement”
“Meaning?”
“Any serious matter at all, you and your people
must turn it into something else. E ku exchange
rate? What kind of greeting is that? Yoruba will
say e ku election, e ku democracy, e ku change, e
ku ana, e ku gbogbo e, gbogbo e, e ku
democracy. I am tired of answering you people
and your cynical greetings.”
“The people don’t mean any harm.”
“That was how somebody came to me the other
day and said e ku Mecca, Medina, e ku Qatar. I
felt like slapping the guy.”
“Ha.”
“I don’t like hypocrites.”
“Would you have felt better, if he had told you e
ku living upside down, e ku idorikodo, e pele
change?”
“I would just have been livid, because I know you
and your people. Too much cynicism.”
“Can you stop?”
“You know me, I speak my mind.”
“No. You are beginning to sound like Donald
Trump. Stop Trump-ing other people, just
because you don’t know where they are coming
from.”
“But of course I know where you are coming from
when you say e ku exchange rate”.
“Where am I coming from? I just left my house”
“My friend. Sit down. “
“You too stop going upanddan”
“Okay, you want to talk about exchange rate. I
am listening. The way it is, everybody is now an
economist in Nigeria. Even my driver yesterday
was telling me about the behaviour of the parallel
market. And I overheard the nanny commenting
on the 2016 budget and how it may, in the long
run affect the housekeeping allowance.”
“That’s a criminal in the making. You should sack
that housekeeper. She certainly wants to pad the
housekeeping allowance.”
“You know these people also watch television.
She must have listened to stories about padding
on television and radio may be, and she may
think it is perfectly normal in today’s Nigeria to
pad figures.”
“These things run deep, I agree. But a crook is a
crook. Better keep an eye on that housekeeper
and let her know that this is the era of prudence,
discipline and you-steal-you-get-caught-you-b
lame yourself-and-may-be-go-to-wa wi-tenu-e
places.“
“Don’t worry, I am the EFCC of my house, nobody
can pad anything. I am on top of it. I do more
market research and monitoring than Madam.”
“I don’t get it. You now go to the market while
Madam stays home?”
“You can say what you like, but I can tell you
authoritatively that a bag of rice which used to be
N8, 500 is now N12, 500. Pampers was N1, 450,
it is now within three weeks, N1, 850.”
“Pampers?”
“Yes”
“What’s your business with pampers?”
“What is not my business with pampers? I am a
very active man, upstairs and downstairs. You
don’t think I should be interested in all things
material and particular and eventual? “
“You have really changed. What happened to
you?”
“Are you interested in my findings or you want to
discuss something else?”
“Carry on. I am listening.”
“A congo of garri was N250 a few weeks ago, it is
now N500”
“Common garri?”
“Garri has changed oh. It is no longer common”
“Really?”
“Stop saying really? Be a man and do your own
research before Madam and the housekeeper drive
you into bankruptcy by adding something of their
own to the real figures and giving you false
information. You must be proactive.”
“I am with you”
“See, I like to drink Andre. A carton used to be
about N20,000. Can you believe it has jumped up
to N24,500?”
“Andre? What is that?”
“It is a kind of wine. Middle class taste. I like it.”
“So cheap? Some other people drink Crystal,
Cliquot, didn’t know you are just a bush man with
all your big mouth. Andre. Please stop disgracing
somebody.”
“A carton of Carlo Rossi, a week ago was
N14,000, it is now N17, 500.
“Carlo Rossi? Who is that? A football coach?
“Even the cost of paraga and alomo, kasaprenko
has gone up.”
“You drink all of that too?”
“A carton of Orijin was N2, 900 the other week, it
is now N3, 300”
“You keep talking about drinks. No wonder you
have also been monitoring the prices of pampers.
You can’t know the prices of these concoctions
and not cause some maternity ward problems.”
“I am giving you real figures. And that is why I
greeted you, e ku exhange rate. The Naira has
been dancing like a yo-yo, and the dollar is the
queen of the foreign exchange market in Nigeria
today.”
“The colour of change.”
“The Naira even exchanged for N390 to the dollar,
and N500 to the pound.”
“Nobody is talking about the pound.”
“It is the American age. You’d think the
Americans were the ones who colonized Nigeria
with the way they have colonized the Nigerian
exchange rate. Practically everyone is looking for
the dollar, you would think the Naira never
existed. We definitely have an economic identity
crisis. ”
“My driver told me he has a solution to the
problem”
“I have heard some petrol station attendants also
saying they will solve the problem.”
“I am not joking. My own Pastor actually told us
on Sunday that the problem with the Naira is
spiritual and that with prayers, the Naira will
regain its lost strength.”
“Well, the petrol station attendant has a different
logic, and his own logic is even different from my
driver’s.”
“That is the problem. Everybody in Nigeria today
is now an economist. Very soon, the roadside
slowpoke will issue an opinion on how the Naira
can be saved.”
“Are you sure that has not happened yet?”
“I went to a barbing salon last week, and the
barber lamented that his prices would have to
change”
“Ok?”
“Exchange rate and crude oil prices, he said”
“By the time landlords start blaming the exchange
rate and the spot price of crude oil, and they fix
prices differently, we would all be in big trouble.”
“But what happened to that campaign?”
“Which one?
“The Buy-Naija-To-Grow-the-Naira campaign,
promoted by Senator Ben Bruce and others.”
“Ha. You have not heard? The Common Sense
Senator published a book on Common Sense, but
it was discovered that the man preaching buy
Naija, published his own book in the US of A.”
“So?”
“What do you mean so? Should he do one thing
and say another?”
“Let the people criticizing the Senator go and sit
down, and keep quiet. The man is a thinker. They
should know that. When they go to his Silverbird
cinemas, do they watch Nigerian films there all
the time, or do they eat guguru instead of pop
corn?”
“I am listening”
“And have they seen Senator Bruce wearing local
attires like a fisherman? This thing is about ideas.
And that is why I always argue that what we
need is not common sense, but uncommon sense.
When you confront Nigerians with common sense,
they will start looking for loopholes”.
“I just hope that your common sense Senator is
married to a Nigerian woman, because that is the
best way to grow the Naira.”
“What is that? Where is that coming from?”
“I don’t think anybody can preach buy Naija to
grow the Naira, and then go and marry a foreign
wife, that will be hypocrisy of the highest order!”
“What is the connection between where a man
marries from and the Naira?”
“There is. Please, there is; it is the biggest money
laundering offence.”
“You have started again. Who are you trying to
shade?”
“Nobody. But if we want to really save the Naira,
everybody should buy Naija.”
“That is too simplistic. Except you are trying to
suggest that our Governor-friend with Cape Verde
connections has also refused to buy Naija and
therefore has a hand in the problem with the
Naira.”
“He is our friend oh. Please, no comment.”
“Some people say to save the Naira, not even the
bedroom should be outsourced, and that the
biggest drain on this economy is the obsession of
the Nigerian rich with all things beautiful and
romantically seductive from foreign countries.”
“I can’t comment on that.”
“You are saying all of this because Ben Murray
Bruce printed his common sense book in
America?”
“I am saying we all need to rescue the Naira and
the economy. The economy first!”
“You are beginning to sound like a vulcanizer. It
is not your job, it is not my driver’s job, and the
petrol station attendants should just keep quiet.
Na only we dey OPEC?”
“They won’t. They can’t. This is a democracy and
we all have a right to make policy. If we don’t
speak up, some people will pad things again and
things will get worse.”
“It is Godwin Emefiele’s job”
“Him na your brother?”
“He is the Governor of the Central Bank”
“Really?”
“What do you mean, really?”
“What are his views on monetary policy?”
“Go and ask him”
“And fiscal policy?”
“Go and ask the Minister of Finance?”
“We have a Minister of Finance?”
“Of course we do”
“And who is that?”
“Wait a moment. What’s that her name again?”
“Hello?”
“Wait. I am trying to remember. Em…em…yes,
16+6= 24!”
“You mean you can’t connect the monetary side
with the fiscal side of the Nigerian economy, you
are busy just saying… Okay, don’t bother, I get
it.”
“Candidly speaking.”
“Don’t worry, the people who are benefitting from
the Naira crisis know her and they know her
name and they know the CBN Governor too. In
case you don’t know, while you are busy trying to
put people down, some other Nigerians have
made a fortune from the Naira-Dollar palaver.”
“A fortune?”
“Yes. That is the difference between people who
are clever and those who just complain. One of
my wife’s friends is almost a billionaire now
because the Naira crashed.”
“How did she do it?”
“The God of Olajumoke intervened. The God of
Adekunle Gold picked up her call. And the God of
Korede Bello said she had won. Her warehouse is
profiting from the difference. So when you talk
with that your sharp mouth, just know that in
every economic situation, there are both happy
and sad stories.”
“But there are standards, normative contexts,
economic frameworks”
“If you don’t get it, you can’t get it. If you don’t
mind, please, I don’t want a lecture on that.” www.ngrguardiannews.com/2016/02/the-naira-dollar-blues/ |
Re: The Naira-dollar Blues By Reuben Abati (hilarious) by domopps(m): 5:05pm On Feb 27, 2016 |
Jisos........ can some1 pls sumarise this.... Cheeeers |
Re: The Naira-dollar Blues By Reuben Abati (hilarious) by igraman(m): 5:07pm On Feb 27, 2016 |
Lalasticlala where at the thou |
Re: The Naira-dollar Blues By Reuben Abati (hilarious) by sleazy5(m): 5:16pm On Feb 27, 2016 |
igraman: He is unavoidably prrsent [size=8pt][/size] |
Re: The Naira-dollar Blues By Reuben Abati (hilarious) by bossOD: 5:32pm On Feb 27, 2016 |
make i book space before i read |
Re: The Naira-dollar Blues By Reuben Abati (hilarious) by jaybanfa(m): 5:36pm On Feb 27, 2016 |
Very comic yet poignant...reminds me of BBC's focus on Africa magazine..there used to be an article on the back page written by a white guy..cant remember his name but Rueben Abati kind of sounds/writes like him bringing out salient points in a satirical way.. We need more political satirist that will bring home the truth. 3 Likes |
Re: The Naira-dollar Blues By Reuben Abati (hilarious) by Nobody: 6:02pm On Feb 27, 2016 |
And you expect me to read that, how much are u going to pay me? 1 Like |
Re: The Naira-dollar Blues By Reuben Abati (hilarious) by grandstar(m): 6:08pm On Feb 27, 2016 |
People here are now starting to speak about the exchange rate the way the average Britons talks about their unpredictable weather. Buhari's very poor understanding of economics is hurting the economy. His taking over the reins from Emefiele has made mockery of the CBN semi autonomy. The rate should hit between 500 and 600 if this expansionary budget is passed. I hope he knows that than expansionary budget and a depreciating currency can not be divorced. I really don't think so. I have written the economy off since July 2015 or probably earlier. Nothing good can come out of these exchange rate restrictions. As Sanusin said, they have not worked anywhere in the world 2 Likes |
Re: The Naira-dollar Blues By Reuben Abati (hilarious) by emekamn(m): 6:11pm On Feb 27, 2016 |
Funny truth |
Re: The Naira-dollar Blues By Reuben Abati (hilarious) by Standing5(m): 6:18pm On Feb 27, 2016 |
The for sale writter is back. I guess the ijaw-faction of PDP still out-bid their rivals for his service. |
Re: The Naira-dollar Blues By Reuben Abati (hilarious) by Trustworthiness: 6:48pm On Feb 27, 2016 |
@op, please repost your post in a former of communication between two people discussing. Thanks |
Re: The Naira-dollar Blues By Reuben Abati (hilarious) by Osakah24(m): 9:46pm On Feb 27, 2016 |
I wish I wish I wish |
Re: The Naira-dollar Blues By Reuben Abati (hilarious) by Mynd44: 11:34am On Mar 03, 2016 |
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