This is just a hilarious write up. Where we assume :

Manchester United is a class,

The players are students, 
This session is this season,
Onlookers are fans and 
Van Gaal is the class teacher.

David De Gea

The brilliant student that sits at the back of the class. Answers most of the questions thrown at him, but his class teacher never appreciate him that much.

Chris Smalling

Another highly reliable back bencher, who has improved greatly over the last two academic sessions. He will most likely be the next captain.

Daley Blind

He was just a little above average when he started school.

His class teacher changed his sitting position to the back in a move that marvelled a lot of onlookers at the start of this session.

He has however adapted to the back sit, and is one of the most reliable students in the class this session.

Luke Shaw

He started the session on the brightest note, but was struck down with an illness that has kept him out of school for so long. He will be back next session.

Phil Jones

A little above average student that has missed more than half of this academic session due to illness. He's only been in school once this year.

Marcos Rojo

He is also just a little above average, but thinks he's much more better. He is prone to illness,  highly sociable and is outgoing.

He said he would be leaving  the school soon.

Ashley Young

He is the D.J of the class. He is a  highly responsible and can sit anywhere in the class.

Antonio Valencia

Another highly industrious student. He's suffered a lot of illness that has kept him out of the current session but is back.

He hasn't been helped either by the emergence of some youngsters that can effectively replace him.

Matteo Darmian

He is a new student, onlookers don't know why the class teacher admitted him.

Anyway, he's started the session on a bright note, before becoming sick. He has since never returned to full effectiveness.

Michael Carrick

One of the most senior and oldest students in the class. Highly underrated, but super effective.

His age is catching up with his performance though.

Bastian Schweinsteiger

Another old effective student, that just joined the class. Prone to illness.

Morgan Schneiderlin

A new student in the class, that sits in the middle. He is very efficient, but the class teacher thinks otherwise, and rarely start him in competitions. 

One of the most underrated students in the current classroom. The class gas got over 50% success rate when he is in the competing group.

He could be disappointing at times.

Marouane Fellaini

The tallest student in the class, has  the look of a trouble maker, and he actually does sometimes. His position in the class is still clearly undefined. 

Onlookers thinks he is a little lazy compared to his size. His greatest weapon is his head.

Ander Herrera

A very passionate scholar. He can averagely sit anywhere in the middle. He is also effective, though he can be disappointing at times.

Juan Mata

Brilliant student on his day. But has been struggling with consistency since joining the school, plus the class teacher makes him sit in the wrong position frequently, which is sure affecting his effectiveness.

Memphis Depay

A new student that came in with a lot of a swag, noise, charisma and expectation.

He lives in the same neighborhood with the class teacher.

He tried in his first few tests, and has since failed to live up the the hype that came with him.

He is a great socialite, comes to class in classic rides, and has made the headlines for more off class activities than in class activities.

He is on the verge of being expelled from the school by the new expected class teacher.

Anthony Martial

A new student that the class can't seemingly do without. And one of the brightest.

He joined the school as a young student in one of the most expensive moves for students in his age bracket.

He has however taken the whole class by surprise.

He has answered more questions than any other student in the class.

Wayne Rooney

An old student in the school that has paid his dues over time.

He is the class captain.

His efficiency has reduced over time, and i slightly agree with the argument of some that he is living on past glory.

The class teacher has had to change his position in the class because of his reduced efficiency. 

He is performing well from his new position, and friends of the school hopes he improves and adapt to his new position fast.

Marcus Rashford

He enjoyed double promotion this session, and took his opportunity well. He is now an integral part of the class, and a highly dependable student. He still has a lot to improve on by the way.

He and Martial can lead the class to glory in the nearest future.


Source: http://www.redlyunited.com/2016/05/hilarious-manchester-united-players-and.html?m=1