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Funny 40 Alleged Quotes From President ROBERT MUGABE - Literature - Nairaland

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Funny 40 Alleged Quotes From President ROBERT MUGABE by Ferya(f): 10:10am On May 28, 2016
I saw this post in a friend's Facebook page. I hope I posted it in right section.

I think President Mugabe's quotes are funny but we cannot ignore the lessons behind it cheesy

On a lighter note, which number made you laugh the most? grin grin


1. Any man who successfully convinces a monkey that honey is sweeter than banana, is capable of selling condoms to a Roman father.

2. Dear ladies, If your boyfriend didn't wish you a happy mother's day or sing sweet mother for you, you should stop breastfeeding him.

3. He who swallows a complete coconut have absolute trust in his anus.

4. Dear sisters, don't be deceived by a man who text you "I miss you" only when it's raining, because you are not an umbrella.

5. Swimming pool is more useful than Liverpool.

6. If over 15 guys have sucked your breasts, you don't need to call those things "your breasts", It's called COW BELL, OUR MILK! - Repeat after me, OUR MILK!

7. It's hard to bewitch African girls these days. Every time you take a piece from her hair to the witch doctor, either a Brazilian innocent woman gets mad or a factory in China catches fire.

8. All I hear always is, 'No sex before marriage?' If that was God's plan, then you would receive your penis or vagina on your wedding day.

9. The only warning Africans take serious is LOW BATTERY.

10. Men sucking lady's breast is normal because the act was learnt in childhood when they were young but the act of lady's sucking men's d*ck is what baffles me, where did they learn it from?

11. Whenever things seem to start going well in your life, the Devil comes along and gives you a 'girlfriend'.

12. When your clothes are made of cassava leaves, you don't take a goat as a friend.

13. If you have attended over 100 weddings in your life and still single, you are not different from a Canopy.

14. Dating a slim/slender guy is cool. The problem is when you are lying on his chest then his ribs draw adidas lines on your face.

15. If you are ugly, you are ugly. Stop talking about inner beauty because men don't walk around with X-rays to see inner beauty.

16. Respect pregnant women because it's not easy walking around with evidence that you've had sex.

17. Some of the girls of today can't even jog for 5 minutes but they expect a guy to last in bed with you for 2 hours? Your level of selfishness demands a one week crusade.

18. I stopped trusting ladies when my class 3 girlfriend left me for another boy all because he bought a sharpener wid a mirror.

19. Nothing makes a woman more confused than being in a relationship with a "broke" man who's extremely good in bed.

20. Witchcraft is when a 24 year old girl who cannot jog for 5 minutes expects a 40 year old man to last for 1 hour in bed.

21. Being dumped by a dark-skinned girl is the worst thing ever; because anytime you get home and see charcoal, you become emotional.

22. Women with beauty and no brains, it is your private parts will suffer the most.

23. When one's goat gets missing, the aroma of a neighbour's soup gets suspicious.

24. Its better for a man to be stingy with his money because he hustled for it than a woman to deny you a hole she didn't drill.

25. Even Satan wasn't gay, he approached naked Eve instead of naked Adam. Say no to same-sex marriage.

26. If you are a married man and you find yourself attracted to school girls, just buy your wife a school uniform.

27. It is every man's dream to remove a woman's pant one day but NOT when it's on a drying line.

28. Virginity is the best wedding gift any man would receive from his newly wed wife but lately, there's nothing as such any-longer because it'll have already been given out as a Birthday gift, token of Appreciation, Job assurance, Church collection, Examination marking schemes & for Lorry fares!"

29. Treat every part of your towel nicely because the part that wipes your buttocks today will wipe your face tomorrow.

30. We are living in a generation where people “in love” are free to touch each others’ private parts but cannot touch each others’ phones because they’re private.”

31. Sometimes you look back at girls you spent money on rather than send it to your mum and you realise witchcraft is real.

32. If President Barack Obama wants me to allow marriage for same-sex couples in my country (Zimbabwe), he must come here so that I marry him first.

33. South Africans will kick down a statue of a dead white man but won’t even attempt to slap a live one. Yet they can stone to death a black man simply because he’s a foreigner.

34. What is the problem? We now have aeroplanes which can take them back quicker than the ships used by their ancestors.

35. Mr Bush, Mr. Blair and now Mr Brown's sense of human rights precludes our people's right to their God-given resources, which in their view must be controlled by their kith and kin. I am termed dictator because I have rejected this supremacist view and frustrated the neo-colonialists.

36. Cigarette is a pinch of tobacco rolled in a piece of paper with fire on one end and a fool on the other end.

37. A brave man is he who has a running stomach and still wants to flatulate.

38. Journalist: Sir don't you think 89 years would be a great time to retire as a President.
Mugabe: Have you ever asked the Queen this question or is it just for African leaders?

39. Interviewer: Mr President, when are you bidding the people of Zimbabwe farewell?
Robert: Where are they going?

40. My dear ladies, please don't buy a selfie stick when your armpit itself needs a shaving stick.

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Re: Funny 40 Alleged Quotes From President ROBERT MUGABE by braithwaite(m): 10:46am On May 28, 2016
cheesy









24. Its better for a man to be stingy with his money because he hustled for it than a woman to deny you a hole she didn't dril


28. Virginity is the best wedding gift any man would receive from his newly wed wife but lately, there's nothing as such any-longer because it'll have already been given out as a Birthday gift, token of Appreciation, Job assurance, Church collection, Examination marking schemes & for Lorry fares!"



3 Likes 1 Share

Re: Funny 40 Alleged Quotes From President ROBERT MUGABE by joanee20(f): 12:31pm On May 28, 2016
8. All I hear always is, 'No sex before marriage?' If that was God's plan, then you would receive your joystick or vagina on your wedding day.


14. Dating a slim/slender guy is cool. The problem is when you are lying on his chest then his ribs draw adidas lines on your face.

So funny

2 Likes

Re: Funny 40 Alleged Quotes From President ROBERT MUGABE by Ferya(f): 10:43pm On May 28, 2016
Ferya:



36. Cigarette is a pinch of tobacco rolled in a piece of paper with fire on one end and a fool on the other end.

I can't stop laughing whenever I read this number 36 grin grin

4 Likes 1 Share

Re: Funny 40 Alleged Quotes From President ROBERT MUGABE by Nobody: 11:28am On Jul 30, 2016
lalasticlala grin
Re: Funny 40 Alleged Quotes From President ROBERT MUGABE by bibijay123(f): 8:38pm On Jul 30, 2016
Very funny cheesy
Re: Funny 40 Alleged Quotes From President ROBERT MUGABE by WHIZKIDEFE(m): 12:57pm On Jul 31, 2016
Lwkm. Very make sense.
Re: Funny 40 Alleged Quotes From President ROBERT MUGABE by bravehost4u(m): 2:46pm On Jul 31, 2016
Epic
Re: Funny 40 Alleged Quotes From President ROBERT MUGABE by JSoE(f): 4:50pm On Jul 31, 2016
8. All I hear always is, 'No sex before marriage?' If that was God's plan, then you would receive your joystick or vagina on your wedding day.

28. Virginity is the best wedding gift any man would receive from his newly wed wife but lately, there's nothing as such any-longer because it'll have already been given out as a Birthday gift, token of Appreciation, Job assurance, Church collection, Examination marking schemes & for Lorry fares!"

Kinda contradictory,don't you think?

1 Like

Re: Funny 40 Alleged Quotes From President ROBERT MUGABE by Ferya(f): 12:48pm On Aug 01, 2016
JSoE:

8. All I hear always is, 'No sex before marriage?' If that was God's plan, then you would receive your joystick or vagina on your wedding day.

28. Virginity is the best wedding gift any man would receive from his newly wed wife but lately, there's nothing as such any-longer because it'll have already been given out as a Birthday gift, token of Appreciation, Job assurance, Church collection, Examination marking schemes & for Lorry fares!"

Kinda contradictory,don't you think?

I doubt if he actually said all these quotes grin But, if he did then he maybe drunk when he said numbers 8 & 28 grin
Re: Funny 40 Alleged Quotes From President ROBERT MUGABE by Nobody: 7:22pm On Aug 01, 2016
Ferya:


I doubt if he actually said all these quotes grin But, if he did then he maybe drunk when he said numbers 8 & 28 grin
grin
Re: Funny 40 Alleged Quotes From President ROBERT MUGABE by mondei(m): 5:21am On Sep 08, 2016
Oya take my own join as number
41. Who ever go to bed with an itching anus will wake up with smelling fingers.

1 Like

Re: Funny 40 Alleged Quotes From President ROBERT MUGABE by Menscoli(f): 7:39pm On Mar 13, 2017
grin
Re: Funny 40 Alleged Quotes From President ROBERT MUGABE by otus4me(m): 11:12pm On Jun 17, 2017
grin grin
Ferya:
I saw this post in a friend's Facebook page. I hope I posted it in right section.

I think President Mugabe's quotes are funny but we cannot ignore the lessons behind it cheesy

On a lighter note, which number made you laugh the most? grin grin


1. Any man who successfully convinces a monkey that honey is sweeter than banana, is capable of selling condoms to a Roman father.

2. Dear ladies, If your boyfriend didn't wish you a happy mother's day or sing sweet mother for you, you should stop breastfeeding him.

3. He who swallows a complete coconut have absolute trust in his anus.

4. Dear sisters, don't be deceived by a man who text you "I miss you" only when it's raining, because you are not an umbrella.

5. Swimming pool is more useful than Liverpool.

6. If over 15 guys have sucked your breasts, you don't need to call those things "your breasts", It's called COW BELL, OUR MILK! - Repeat after me, OUR MILK!

7. It's hard to bewitch African girls these days. Every time you take a piece from her hair to the witch doctor, either a Brazilian innocent woman gets mad or a factory in China catches fire.

8. All I hear always is, 'No sex before marriage?' If that was God's plan, then you would receive your penis or vagina on your wedding day.

9. The only warning Africans take serious is LOW BATTERY.

10. Men sucking lady's breast is normal because the act was learnt in childhood when they were young but the act of lady's sucking men's d*ck is what baffles me, where did they learn it from?

11. Whenever things seem to start going well in your life, the Devil comes along and gives you a 'girlfriend'.

12. When your clothes are made of cassava leaves, you don't take a goat as a friend.

13. If you have attended over 100 weddings in your life and still single, you are not different from a Canopy.

14. Dating a slim/slender guy is cool. The problem is when you are lying on his chest then his ribs draw adidas lines on your face.

15. If you are ugly, you are ugly. Stop talking about inner beauty because men don't walk around with X-rays to see inner beauty.

16. Respect pregnant women because it's not easy walking around with evidence that you've had sex.

17. Some of the girls of today can't even jog for 5 minutes but they expect a guy to last in bed with you for 2 hours? Your level of selfishness demands a one week crusade.

18. I stopped trusting ladies when my class 3 girlfriend left me for another boy all because he bought a sharpener wid a mirror.

19. Nothing makes a woman more confused than being in a relationship with a "broke" man who's extremely good in bed.

20. Witchcraft is when a 24 year old girl who cannot jog for 5 minutes expects a 40 year old man to last for 1 hour in bed.

21. Being dumped by a dark-skinned girl is the worst thing ever; because anytime you get home and see charcoal, you become emotional.

22. Women with beauty and no brains, it is your private parts will suffer the most.

23. When one's goat gets missing, the aroma of a neighbour's soup gets suspicious.

24. Its better for a man to be stingy with his money because he hustled for it than a woman to deny you a hole she didn't drill.

25. Even Satan wasn't gay, he approached naked Eve instead of naked Adam. Say no to same-sex marriage.

26. If you are a married man and you find yourself attracted to school girls, just buy your wife a school uniform.

27. It is every man's dream to remove a woman's pant one day but NOT when it's on a drying line.

28. Virginity is the best wedding gift any man would receive from his newly wed wife but lately, there's nothing as such any-longer because it'll have already been given out as a Birthday gift, token of Appreciation, Job assurance, Church collection, Examination marking schemes & for Lorry fares!"

29. Treat every part of your towel nicely because the part that wipes your buttocks today will wipe your face tomorrow.

30. We are living in a generation where people “in love” are free to touch each others’ private parts but cannot touch each others’ phones because they’re private.”

31. Sometimes you look back at girls you spent money on rather than send it to your mum and you realise witchcraft is real.

32. If President Barack Obama wants me to allow marriage for same-sex couples in my country (Zimbabwe), he must come here so that I marry him first.

33. South Africans will kick down a statue of a dead white man but won’t even attempt to slap a live one. Yet they can stone to death a black man simply because he’s a foreigner.

34. What is the problem? We now have aeroplanes which can take them back quicker than the ships used by their ancestors.

35. Mr Bush, Mr. Blair and now Mr Brown's sense of human rights precludes our people's right to their God-given resources, which in their view must be controlled by their kith and kin. I am termed dictator because I have rejected this supremacist view and frustrated the neo-colonialists.

36. Cigarette is a pinch of tobacco rolled in a piece of paper with fire on one end and a fool on the other end.

37. A brave man is he who has a running stomach and still wants to flatulate.

38. Journalist: Sir don't you think 89 years would be a great time to retire as a President.
Mugabe: Have you ever asked the Queen this question or is it just for African leaders?

39. Interviewer: Mr President, when are you bidding the people of Zimbabwe farewell?
Robert: Where are they going?

40. My dear ladies, please don't buy a selfie stick when your armpit itself needs a shaving stick.

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