GET A LOAD OF THIS:
My marriage to EVE which turned out to
be a HIT AND RUN affair had really HIT ME
WHERE IT HURTS when she ran off with a
million dollars of my money one sultry
afternoon. It was a SHOCK TREATMENT as I had
always believed that she loved me. WHY
PICK ON ME, I wondered in bewilderment.
Though I know that sooner or later, I
would catch up with her, as GOLDFISH
HAVE NO HIDING PLACE and I always have AN EAR TO THE GROUND.
Her friends say she could not have done it
but BELIEVE THIS, YOU WILL BELIEVE
ANYTHING. Though I am not BELIEVED
VIOLENT, I reckon that she is SAFER DEAD
because she will have BUT A SHORT TIME TO LIVE when I get my claws on her.
CHAPTER TWO
After my recent troubles, I wish to HAVE
A CHANGE OF SCENE and this time I am off
to Nigeria, where they say anything goes!
For starters, I need to conceal my stock of dollars in a COFFIN FROM HONG KONG, to
escape detection by customs as THIS IS
FOR REAL.
CHAPTER THREE
At the Lagos airport, MALLORY picked me
and we drove to a hotel in some place called Ikoyi which he said is the best
place for enjoying the FLESH OF THE
ORCHID. Later that night, we attended a
P-Square concert and there I saw MISS
SHUMWAY WAVE A HAND.
I also chanced upon a beautiful blonde with eyes like ice on fire and looks that
could MAKE A CORPSE WALK. She was
shaking her body to the wild rhythms of
the rock music. I couldn't resist her
charm, so I went over and said, “WELL
NOW MY PRETTY, what's your name?” She sized me up and said, “YOU MUST BE
KIDDING,” but I wasn’t to be easily
discouraged. I tried another line but she
coldly said DO ME A FAVOUR, DROP DEAD. I
guessed her frosty response was because
she didn’t know I was dollar stuffed. As MALLORY and I drove back to the hotel
around 1 a.m. in low spirits, two dicks
accosted us and flashed their badges,
“Oga, wey una particulars?” one asked.
Before I could answer, the other also
asked, don’t you know that at this late hour its NOT SAFE TO BE FREE? I had no
papers so I decided to ‘settle’ them and
as I had THE WORLD IN MY POCKET, I knew
it wouldn’t be a problem. Yours sincerely
brought out a roll of crisp dollar bills and
THE WHIFF OF MONEY brought them to attention.
When I gave them $100 each, they
chorused “HAVE A NICE NIGHT, sir", and
saluted. Well, “I HOLD THE FOUR ACES
now” I thought to myself just as one of
the cops remarked “this one na COME EASY, GO EASY" and the other answered
“YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN".
CHAPTER FOUR
The next night, I saw the dame again at
the club and she was the centre of
attention. Mustering up all my courage I went up to her and said "HAVE THIS ONE
ON ME" as I gave her a glass of scotch on
the rocks. She snatched it and instantly
emptied the contents on me as she
shouted - "TELL IT TO THE BIRDS!"
I wished the ground would swallow me as I felt like a goddamn sucker. “Well, Chet,
YOU NEVER KNOW WITH WOMEN; its JUST
A MATTER OF TIME, she will be yours
someday”, I consoled myself.
“THERE'S ALWAYS A PRICE TAG and if it
comes to buying her love, I can use my dollars: after all, WHATS BETTER THAN
MONEY”, I thought further.
That was when Bagoma came up to me
and said “I am sorry about my friend’s act,
but some bloke once gave her the DOUBLE
SHUFFLE and since then, men to her are TRUSTED LIKE THE FOX. But you strike me
as nice fella, so don't worry, I'll put in a
good word for you”.
"YOU MUST BE KIDDING”, I retorted.
"Not at all", Bogoma replied.
Then seeing that my dinner jacket had been ruined by the scotched poured on it,
she gave me a fresh one and said “TRY
THIS ONE FOR SIZE.”
At that point, Vito, the owner of the club
(who obviously knew Bogoma) joined us
at the table. It then occurred to me that I could buy the night club and turn it to a
big money spinner as I had ideas that will
greatly increase the patronage. So I
offered to purchase it in STRICTLY FOR
CASH deal but Vito said “instead of selling
this club, I WOULD RATHER STAY POOR”. I felt let down but I told him YOU HAVE
YOURSELF A DEAL if you change your mind
and decide to sell.
CHAPTER FIVE
ONE BRIGHT SUMMER MORNING six months
later and after many follow ups, I heard KNOCK KNOCK on my door.
“WHO'S THERE?” I queried.
“YOU’VE GOT IT COMING” answered a
sweet voice from outside.
Well, THE VULTURE IS A PATIENT BIRD and
my pals say I am like the vulture so I waited patiently for the dame to say her
name before I went to open the door.
When I opened, there stood my beautiful
dame from the club in all her radiant
sexiness. As she walked in, I noticed her
long slim legs, curves in all the right places and…
The rest is x-rated, so FIGURE IT OUT FOR
YOURSELF though you might want to
know that I am about to LAY HER AMONG
THE LILIES of my bed and MY LAUGH
COMES LAST. I have decided to love her till the day of
our death and even when we die, WE'LL
SHARE A DOUBLE FUNERAL.

Just The Way It Is my nightful smiles fall just the way the Cookie Crumble.

Wow! THIS WAY FOR A SHROUD

It's late you guys. So, HAVE A NICE NIGHT


someone told me James didn't write that one

SUCKER PUNCH
VIOLENT BLONDE'S REQUIEM
ACE UP MY SLEEVE
AN EAR TO THE GROUND
BUT A SHORT TIME TO LIVE
CADE
CAN OF WORMS
MISSION TO VENICE
MORE DEADLY THAN THE MALE