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Food Don Ready / Sè You Don Get Belle (2) (3) (4)
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Food Don Ready by Nobody: 4:44pm On Jun 27, 2016 |
ght dims, curtain opens)
It all starts with one of ma friends
He had spent almost two semesters,
Chasing and hunting down dis particular
girl,
But no service mein!!!!
She just felt my friend was not good
enough for her or maybe something else,
because any move he was making was
yielding no results….
He took it from all d modern known
means,
Down to ancient methods.
writing perfumed letters, folded in a heart
shape….
Sending flowers with notes,
Bribing her friends to keep chocolates and
various other goodies under her pillow…
Wetin remain sef
Na to stand for her room window for night,
Throw stone…den when she come outside
He begins singing with a romantic band he
must have put together
Which of course will be comprised of me
and some other junkies….
But as e be say
We no sabi sing and all,
We made sure he stuck to all he had been
doing… abeg!! We no want wahala…
Beht Girls eh!!!!
Kai!!!
Dat my guy suffer ahn!! Ahn!!.
Phone calls….
Text messages
Recharge cards…which d gal neva
accepted instead sef on one ocassion she
send am back plus extra ontop…. check
out na…
Even me sef follow dey compose poems
give am.
Inshort let’s just say that it was a collective
effort by all of us…
To make sure say….
she dey mad?…she must gree joor!!!!
But I must say….
D girl fine sha…
If you see shape eh….choi!!!
She set pass mathset…..
Her English na die….
Few people live after hearing it
Walking step na mental….
Fit put u for yaba Left….
Smile na heiiiiiiiiiiii smh
Eyes na hypertension
staring @ it na @ owners risk…
And she come know say she fine…
So d shakara na highest…
Beht eh After months of toasting
Incessant fasting…(cos d idiot don spend
most of him money finish…and our
money too…)
And Countless praying….
The Lord answered his/our prayer….
Igbo woman’s voice:Umu chineke
eiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
The Lorttt is gooooooodtttt…….
I say the Lordtttt isi gooooodttt ooooo….
Hmmmmmmm
She agreed….
And we also found out that she had long
been liking him.
She just wanted to make a brova sweat.
Y girls Y do y’all do dis Just tell me
y?
I remember d day our man brought d news
We went to eismann (a prominent bar in
school) to celebrate.
Popped drinks, poured on him.
People wen see us go think say dem don
award us contract…
Smh shey? Yeah we know.
The dating started
My friend was of bestest (allow me pls)
behaviour.
Him no wan hear story Say bird born four
children nine come die.
And we understood his plight.
His ranking in school also increased…
As per dater of arguably d prettiest gal in
skool.
D gal sef she sabi grab attention.
She Holds his hands in school.
gives him pda (public display of affection)
Eiyaaa!!!!
we were so all happy for them
It was all so romantic **brings out
handkerchief**
So touching **sniffs**
So
So…OMG!!!!
Now am gettin all emotional and I wanna
cry
My man was in love **bursts into tears**
LoL
Omo I must mention that d pda dey reach
us too.
So yeah!!!! We were happy for him…..
Like really really happy….
Then at last….
She decides to come n spend d night…
[]Omo mein!!!!
If u see preparation…
Lmao!!!!
Environmental sanitation for d room like
say na last saturday of the month…
air freshner: check!!!
Washed white toilets(lmao): check!!
Full generator tank incase nepa misbehave:
double check!!!
Ehhmmm lemme see anything else?
U know every na…let’s just say
Our room was ready to receive princess
diana
Brrrrrrroom!!!
D bike stopped…
She started entering the compound
My friend went out to receive her
See eyes from our lodge people.
And d babe sha sabi handle attention
She first give my man better hug and peck
1st
When she came inside d house, she gave
us our own hug too sha without peck
though…
But **nodding** dat was over okay for us..
And there we where….
Watching film away and bidding time
before we exile…(**winks** u knw hw it
works shey? Naughty u )
From nowhere…
an unexpected question came up…
She was like “guys have u eaten”
We first look our man to know whether dis
na d exit question
And he was like yes but …..
She cut in and said she wanted to cook…
I think to impress my guy
Cos he was a huge fan of girls that could
cook.
Ehn!!!
Girl fine like dis
Come sabi cook….
No tell me… u tell me…
is it not d Lord’s doing?
I was almost tempted to ask her if she had
a sister…
She stood up
Went to our stocked up kitchen (we
prepare wella for dat side too mein nothing
must be left to chance)
And started bringing stuffs out ready to
cook…
“One more thing guys, pls leave d room I
want to surprise y’all”
Her rating in my books was leaving
hundred
And entering about 2million….
We all left including our man….
Baba oooooo!!!
Chairman!!!
Father!!!!!!
All these and more we were hailing d boy
I was lying flat on the ground
Another guy was fanning him
And d last guy was touching his head with
our guy’s hand and shouting “master bless
me… teach thy servant thy ways that I
mayest prosper”
“That withersoever I goest…. I shall be a
fisher of women… pretty women such as
thou art with …. bless me… I pray thee.. O
thou great king”
We were sha catching fun….
Laughing and teasing our man
Dancing round him
And salivating already from the aroma of
the food we were perceiving
Today na today….
Knock knock
“Guys food is ready”….
Choi!!!!!!
She was about to serve the food
But there was not enough drinking water…
And so I ran downstairs to buy some.
Before the woman closed
How many she asked…
Madam gimme 10packs I said….
Zoom
I reach upstairs back….
Handed over the water
Sat down, comot shirt…. sniffed d air….
Kai!!!!
Dis food go be die,
The aroma na die,
The arrangement of the food highest…
She served us in trays…
Egusi soup and better hot eba….
I took my time and prayed….
Thanked God for a day like dis
Appreciated him for d food
While rememberin that some can eat but
have no food…
Blessed d union of our friends
All d while breathing and taking in the smell
of the food….
Oya na leggooooo
I put hand,
Cut the eba….
Roll am to my size…
Rub am for the soup
Then put am for mouth…..
GHEN GHEN
GHEN GHEN GHEN(c’mon na… for uncle
stephen story, na im action no go dey??
No nah…)
Something was wrong
My mouth was on fire….
“Uhmmmmmm” I screamed….
“Wetin” d oda of ma friend asked
“u neva chop sweet food before stevo?
No dey shout like fool”
“Nothing o no vex u chop na… before I
finish d sweet food”
Thief boy
Cut very big eba… rub am well well inside
d soup
And as e dey hot like dat e put am 4 mouth
“Eiiiiiiii!!!” He screamed…..
“Wetin, dey chop na, abi u sef neva chop
sweet food”
“What is it” d girl asked…
“Nothing o, sista nothing” we both
chorused
While drinking a sizeable amout of water..
Omo eh!!!
Everything was wrong with that food
It just did not taste right…
And worst of all e come be like say she
karri all d pepper for dis life put inside…
Omo we wia done for…
So there we were
Setting fire to our mouth
Killing our taste buds
Drinking water like mad
And yet hailing the girl for her wonderful
culinary skills…
Uhmmmm!!!!
Ahhhhhh!!!!
“How is d food” she would ask
“Fantastic, inshort av neva tasted anything
like dis in my life before”
And she was blushing…
I dint understand how a food dat smelt so
good ended up like dis…
But we continued eating
Tears filled ma eyes
D girl was laughing and telling her
boyfriend how much of a tremendous
actór I was
Cos she was interpreting them as tears of
joy.
Each swallow
Was hard and tough…
D water don dey finish…
So we had to manage it seriously…
Omo mein e wasn’t easy…
Kai…
Even peppersoup would not have as much
pepper as dat food dat day
We don manage dey finish am…
And she was like “lemme get u guys more”
Ehn!!!
More?
Who she wan kill….
I was tempted to lie down on the rug and
beg her that it was okay
Dat in whatever way we had wronged her
She should forgive us
Dis was a wrong way to die….
Then it was turn for my friend to eat….
Omo mein…
And him sef neva sabi wassap….
We just had to F him up
And we suggested she feed him…..
Unto romantic things and all….
Mumu boy sef as d gal go kitchen go bring
him own
Dey hail us say our sugeestion make
sense…
Just a few minutes and dat would change.
Food set…
She wash hand
Cut eba…. rub am well for d soup
Mumu open mouth wide….
Dem put am inside
And d reaction was instant….
Uhmmmm!!!
Uhmmmm!!
Uhmmmm!!!!
“O boy see say ur babe dey cook” I asked.
“Honey dis is wonderful…. kai gimme
more please” He replied
Encouraged by this…
She increased the frequency of feeding as
well as the size of the balls…..
Each swallow was accompanied with
a praise for d food or “baby gimme more I
like how ya feeding me”
A smile hiding the real feeling.
It was a classic case of fela’s suffering and
smiling
Omo my guy eye dey red
And water don almost dey finish
I swear small thing him for don dey cry
And e be like say d eba no dey finish…
We were there enjoying the scene
With our own mouth open… to allow air in
and reduce the effect of our peppered
lips….
At last d eba finished
And of course na, more was not an
option…
He just escorted us outside
While d chick cleared up…..
My guy reach d other room lie down for
ground
Drink better water…. den carry big handfan
wan blow him lips comot….
The other of my friend was so pained that
he attacked him….
“Shebi u see ur life, u for talk say we no
want, now see wetin u done do us”
“Shatap der u for talk no”
And it was fire for fire
While I was laffin wit my sour mouth as
usual.
Till my friend slowly and sadly went back to
other room….
We just lie down,
Open mouth sleep….
Under fan for that matter
Ehn, if mosquito like enta our mouth, no P.
But how we were feeling
Kai… even as I’m writing now my lips and
mouth don dey hot….
The next morning
Our mouth pain don reduce
Only for d door to open and we heard her
voice saying
“Food is ready guys… u’ll love it”
No way mein…
I had to have an impromptu test that
morning
The other guy had to go and see someone
important too
And d last guy was really full from the
sumptous meal of yesterday… that he
would eat later
Leaving our man….
To enjoy the food alone…
No time for risks again……
The End |
Re: Food Don Ready by Nmaudu: 5:46pm On Jun 27, 2016 |
Hehe hehe hehe he. Hilarious. |
(1) (Reply)
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