By Anthonia Duru

Tade and Mirabel had an understanding. They had been married for three years before they had their first child. Mirabel is used to Tade’s bossy attitudes as he was used to having things done his way. Often times Mirabel ignores him and calms him down afterwards. Fifteen days after, they had their child through caesarian section. Tade woke Mirabel when she was trying to take her siesta after hours of trying to put the baby to sleep. Tade requested for lunch and Mirabel who was visibly tired called the house help to help arrange meal for Tade. Despite this Tade was heady but Mirabel ignored him knowing full well that he will calm down. This didn’t go down well with Mama Mirabel who felt Tade is not considering her daughter’s frail health. She threw insults at Tade and verbal battle was raging. Mirabel tried in vain to diffuse the situation, to no avail. Her mother grabbed Tade’s shirt and in his struggle to pull away, the shirt had torn. Tade sent Mirabel’s mum out of their home that night.
Pam, who hails from Imo State after she had her first child invited her mother who operates a restaurant in Owerri to come down to Lagos so she can assist her in taking care of her new baby. Pam’s mother like most grandmothers joyfully came over to take care of her grandchild. After six months she informed her daughter that she will return to her base in Owerri and so she demanded her daughter to give her the sum of N450,000 (Four hundred and fifty thousand naira) for the services she rendered in the six months. According to Pam, her mother said she closed down her restaurant for six months and she would have made over one million naira. “My mother really surprised me as she insisted she will collect N450,000 from us. Initially I thought she was joking but she meant it. I tried not to inform my husband because it is unheard of that a mother is charging for taking care of her grandchild but at the long run after quarrel my husband heard of it. I informed some elders in our village, they perceived her but she won’t listen. After much plea we paid her N250,000 and bought her six ankara fabrics. My husband and myself vowed there and then that we will never invite anybody for omugwo,” Pam narrated her story.
For Evelyn (not real name) her mother-in-law came three weeks after she put to bed to assist her in taking care of her child. “Mama” as Evelyn calls her mother-in-law instead of babysitting was being “babysitted”. “Mama will always complain of pains especially when husband was around. I bath my baby and despite the fact that mama was around my daughter was going to crèche. I asked myself one day if Mama came over to add to our burden. The first thing she demands for once she wakes up is food; she never for once bath my child. I told my husband I can’t cope with two babies because Mama was acting like a baby. Initially, my husband was indifferent, later he said I was unnecessarily finding fault with his mum. After much quarrel he grudgingly took Mama back to the village. I still spent about N100,000 in buying things for Mama when she was returning to the village. I am better without her around,” Evelyn narrated.
Unlike Evelyn and Pam, Toyin Adewumi is a bit luckier as her mother-in-law who has been staying with her for over 30 years when she had her first child has been so helpful in bringing up her children. According to Toyin who is now a grandmother, her mother-in-law takes it upon herself to take care of her great grandchildren from birth. Toyin’s octogenarian mother-in-law helped raising Toyin’s five children and three grandchildren. “When I tell people I can’t bath a baby, they find it hard to believe, my mother-in-law did everything and I will forever be grateful to her,” Toyin said while eluogising her mother-in-law.
From time immemorial, every woman after childbirth needs special care for herself and the new creature. She needs a helping hand(s) as she may not have the physical strength to carry out some chores. Omugwo is the word, in Igbo tradition, that defines the period when a mother, mother-in-law, aunt, or other older female relative, comes to help a young mother after she has given birth. It is considered a thing of pride to most, especially Moms, and daughters to also dream of such a time when they will get some relief. This beautiful practice is also an avenue to pass vital parenting tips, knowledge or information. The birth of a child always brings unlimited joy and excitement not only to the parents involved but to every other person related to them either by blood or friendship. The baby and the nursing mother has to be ministered to by someone mostly women. In most cases, the person who takes care of her (the just delivered woman) is her mother. If the mother is not alive or available, her step-mother performs the functions. During omugwo, the person that comes to stay takes over most of the house chores and responsibilities including cooking (for both husband and wife), cleaning, carrying the baby while the new mum rests.
As beautiful as the practice is it can also be abused.
Initially, everything is fine till criticisms start. “You need to hold the baby’s head like this” “Please enough of the feeding bottle! What she needs is breast milk” “Why are you drinking cold water? Don’t you want your stomach to go down?” “What do you mean you don’t want to drink pap, you want your breast milk to dry up, abi?”
The worst of Omugwo happens when there is already friction in the home, before mother or mother-in-law gets there, the presence of a third party that is not so neutral can further aggravate feud.
Omugwo can be really tricky indeed! But there are some ways in which it can work!
Both parties can make a success of Omugwo situation by ensuring that, regardless of how irritated one person made the other feel, there should always be mutual respect, love, and appreciation! There are boundaries and all parties should always have that at their consciousness. For the caregiver, it will be out of place to intervene in any argument or disagreement. Even though you as a grandmother goes into your daughter’s house with your wealth of experience, respect the fact that it is her home and don’t try to change the processes or routines.
To enjoy Omugwo, new mothers should be patient with whoever comes and appreciate the time she is dedicating to help you. In turn, mothers should keep in mind the primary purpose for which they are there, without veering into areas that are of no concern to them.
http://independentnig.com/2016/07/27/making-omugwo-work/