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LAUGHING AT MY PAINS PART ONE
A TALE OF DAPO BELLO @ (BLARKRAIMEZ)
Chapter 1:
Approximately five years after my graduation from the university. Fixing me in any company’s pay roll seems so difficult like parting the Red sea again. There are fierce looking employers that won’t stop bombarding me with useless questions during interviews; “what have you been doing since 2010?...Are you saying in the last 5 years you cannot come up with a plan that will put food on your table?” Are they not aware that English premiership and UEFA Champions league have been engaging thousands of Nigerian graduates?
Please tell this man to check my CV again; I’m from Osun State. Our dear Governor, Aregbesola, did not pay a dime since eight months. How can you say “We are so sorry, 25 is the maximum age for this position” if you are not foolish enough to check my graduating age, NYSC, Msc. and PhD in view status? Do you still need to be told I was just 22 when I had my first degree?
To avoid interviews and fake vacancies on the social network, my uncle forced me to register with a recruiting firm called PSS at Okota. Excluding N2000 transportation from Ikorodu, this company promised to give me four job postings at N3,500. What is Hmm?...Yea I lied to my uncle, the tfare is not more than #900 to and fro. U wan blame me? How I wan buy lacasera and gala in scotching sun and bobo for his battalion kids? God should postpone his coming back to at least when I got a job, then the judgment couldn’t be fairer.
Unlike every recruiting firm with queues, my first day at PSS was somehow different. Just a stone throw from the popular Cele bustop via mile 2 badagary expressway, I spent almost 30 minute locating the office. It is not as big as my Uncle and his friend portrayed it… “Dapo this company will surely get you a job, they have found job for more than 50 people I know, if this company couldn’t get you a job, it means it is a spiritual attack from home and you should just stop looking for job.”
If you knew my uncle you would not believe this statement. He once told me I couldn’t get a job in access bank because I dint do accounting. He could have fixed me in fly emirate if only I was a woman. His friend could have given me a job but am over qualified. Zenon oil was recruiting if only I had a first class blah blah blah………………. Uncle, please! Am jobless today because Nigeria is not doing something right, plus you are not connected sir.
Inside the PSS office, I met only the owner. If I cannot see the other staff how do I access the workforce? In front of him, I saw avalanche of CVs and he keep scratching the legions of pimples that used his face as abode. I thought within me, do I stand a job position with this man’s pimples population and oversized suit? Well, don’t let me judge the book by the cover. After the total payment, he told me to go home and before evening my first posting will be sent to my mail. With so much enthusiasm, I waited for the mail like the astrologers awaiting the emergence of the eclipse. The first posting was Montaigne’s place opposite four point Sheraton, Sand field, Victoria Island Lagos. I used almost all my data to check what they do.
Gosh! They are beautician and major in distribution of some designers’ products. In my mind, I was like, will securing a job here fulfill my age long dream of owning a range rover sport, will I be selling whitening cream, perfumes in buses and Molue, considering the location they should pay well, is it truly that am finally getting a job after all this years?


CHAPTER 2: PRICE TO PAY FOR RESIDING IN ODOKEKERE
In a street named after one of Oniru’s dynasties, I went inside Fidelity Bank to staple attestation letters. While trudging, I noticed that the lanes were named after Taye, Kehinde and Idowu oniru. What an achievement?
I wished I should just drop my surname to start answering Oniru. Possibly, Oniru Alaba Oladapo won’t be such a bad name nah? Hopefully, my dad wouldn’t have enough MB to read this write-up on my blog.
I checked the address very well, but all the houses in that neighborhood looked like a residential area. As a matter of fact, the Montaigne Place location is quite a mansion. Besides, my mum’s advice flashed through my mind; translated from Ekiti language
“every rich man in Lagos got their filthy money from the waters in the third mainland bridge, they redeem their vows by luring young graduates to come for appointment and there they hypnotize them, so when you go to interviews and see a very big residential area start casting and biding, plead the blood of Jesus over 700 times, invoke the Holy ghost 377 times ……….
Laughing? You wouldn’t blame my mother for being superstitious. She is a level 16 civil servant, whose basic salary after 30 years, didn’t get up to 200k. Telling her there is a place in Nigeria where house is sold for 600m naira is myth. She will always have a story from Africa Magic Yoruba, to prove all range rover owners are ritualist.
The entrance to the Montaigne was deserted. Do I knock this gate? Nope, I can’t stand the face that will come out and ask what do you want? Where is the doorbell? I waited almost an hour before the Jericho-ish huge gate finally opened. A fierce looking man with tribal marks like the survivors of the Kiriji appeared.
Do I approach him and tell him, I’m the new employee? Ouch! Previous night dream was so real, I felt I had been giving the employment already.
Before I could finish this in my mind, bro, Idi Amin spoke “wetin you want?’’ At the drop of a hat, I responded, am here for… to see employment… interview blah blah ……… stop blabbing and go straight to the point, you are here for the interview, he cut in.
Entering the building, I met four other applicants; they were busy writing aptitude test.
“OMG… not again, when will I stop meeting aptitude test on my way to greatness? I think the origin of aptitude test is from the pit of hell and the person that invented that phenomenon can’t be anybody but Bro Lucifer himself. Anybody that gives another person aptitude test in not worthy of belonging to human race, especially if the latter is more of calculus and quantitative reasoning”
I bowed my head in disappointments as I looked for an empty seat close to the other applicants and there I could see what they were doing. I waited for about to 1hour before attended to. Judging by the suit and the shoes, staff of Montaigne place should be earning good salaries.
But how do I explain the fact that I was given the same aptitude test as the man that applied for cook, security and make-up artist. As a matter of fact, all applicants I saw their were NASU (non-academic staff) applicants. I wonder why I was tagged with them.
“Good morning, if you are from PSS, sit here, bring out your writing material, write this test and go, we will get back to you via PSS, thank you”
With this statement from one of the staffs, I don’t need apastor to tell me they are already tired of PSS. It seems the only reasonable way to tell applicants not to come again. When I was leaving, I realized what I thought to be a bulb was actually a door bell. What a price to pay for residing in Odokekere?
Hmm… Oladapo has been scammed. Well, from the terms and conditions, am still entitled to 3 postings. Watch-out my adventures and how I lost my precious phone.

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Inform me to start reading when you finish all the chapters