Funniest Quotes of All Time

1. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
2. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
3. By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
4. Having A Female Bestie is Like Keeping Chicken As Pet, One Day You Will Surely Eat It
5. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
6. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
7. Men have only two emotions: hungry and Hot. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
8. The older you are, the harder it is to lose weight, because your body and your fat have become good buddies.
9. Law of the Bath: 90 times out of a 100, once you step into the bathroom to have a bath, the telephone rings.
10. Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.
11. Remember: If you don't sin, Jesus died for nothing.
12. Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
13. Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine into your brain, and that's where your crappy ideas come from.
14. The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of the act.
15. My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.
16. I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
17. When nothing is going right, go left.
18. Don't worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.
19. When the past comes knocking, don't answer. It has nothing new to tell you.
20. I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.....
More coming

Iaff yaf kil me!!!.....Nice work!

21. If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many, it’s research.
22. Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you're done.
23. All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips.
24. Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it.
25. The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep!

26. Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.
27. I did not trip and fall. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning.
28. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
29. Yesterday I did nothing and today I'm finishing what I did yesterday.
30. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
31. I didn't fall, I'm just spending some quality time with the floor
32. Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious.
33. Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.
34. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling begging to sit down and shut-up.
35. A Nigerian Politician is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

36. If we shouldn't eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?
37. Why didn’t Noah kill those two mosquitoes that came into the Ark?
38. Don't drink to forget me, you'll end up seeing me double.
39. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
40. It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

ADD YOURS IF YOU'VE GOT ANY. MORE COMING YOUR WAY

41. To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
42. To the guy who created imaginary numbers in Math: I hate you.
43. The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
44. Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children. Kids: drive you crazy.
45. If you don't succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried ( or your friends will laugh their asss out)
46. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
47. He who laughs last, [/s]laughs best[s]didn't get the joke.

Hahaha hahaha hahaha... My sleep is going to be awesome.

Good piece here

Hahaha hahaha hahaha... My sleep is going to be awesome, though some are not new to me. When a way to round up the day

48. Evening news is where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
49. An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.
50. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
51. You can't have everything... where would you put it?
52. Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch it to be sure.
53. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. (They are full of poo)
54. The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you enter the exam hall.
55. Misers aren’t fun to live with, but they make wonderful ancestors. (They could leave behind a fortune)
56. Friends come and go, but enemies remain and build up.
57. I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. I love to keep it by me; the idea of getting rid of it nearly breaks my heart.
58. There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.
59. You're born free, then you're taxed to death.
60. Whoever said great things come in small packages hasn't seen my big screen TV.

More coming...but you guys are all asleep, so i gotta hit the sack too! Catch you in the morning.

GODKID98:
Iaff yaf kil me!!!.....Nice work!

Thanks bro

Hexzagon:
Hahaha hahaha hahaha... My sleep is going to be awesome.

Just What i hoped to achieve with this

Hexzagon:
Hahaha hahaha hahaha... My sleep is going to be awesome, though some are not new to me. When a way to round up the day

Glad i could help bro

Irishrena1:
Good piece here

Thanks Irishrena

61. I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
62. My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.
63. My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one.
64. God heals, and the doctor takes the fees.
65. I'm in desperate need of a 6 month vacation... twice a year.
66. You always run out of good things, You never run out of things that can go wrong.
67. I don't work on weekends, or any other day that ends with "Y".
68. I love my phone because all my friends live inside it!
69. I'm not afraid to die. I just don't like the thought of being gone so long!
70. I'm so sorry about what I said when I was hungry.
71. If life is not smiling at you, give it a good tickling.
72. Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed and permanently set.
73. With great power comes [/s]great responsiblity[s] an even greater electricity bill.
74. I'm not lazy, I'm on power saving mode.
75. When there's a will, [/s]there's a way[s] I want to be in it.
75. My EX dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

76. Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they'll start using it.
77. I had an extremely busy day, converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
78. I'm going to stand outside, so if anybody asks for me, I'm outstanding.
79. Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
80. When i'm on Nairaland, i'm absolutely up to no good!!

Paul has signed out!

Great job here!.... I'm awed!

funny