A feeling you can’t describe wakes you up at 2am. Yesterday, it was 3:15am when this feeling woke you up and you tiptoed to the bathroom trying not to wake your husband. You sat on the toilet seat and you cried, silent cries, your chest heaving, your hand over your mouth, trying not to make any sound as you offloaded your chest.

But the load came back, because now it’s 2am and you’re awake again, and you’re tiptoeing to the bathroom when you hear movement behind you. You turn around and your husband, Mike, is sitting up in bed, propped up on his elbow, rubbing his eyes.

“Where are you going?” he asks, “Are you okay?”

You nod even though he can’t see you in the darkness. You tell him to go back to bed; you say you’re just going to use the bathroom. He mumbles okay and falls back onto his pillow. You know he’d be asleep within a minute. You grab your phone from the table in the middle of the room, walk into the bathroom and shut the door quietly. You sit on the toilet and sigh loudly. Sometimes, your bathroom is your safe haven, a quiet sanctuary where you can be alone with your thoughts.

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You met Mike nine years ago at his cousin’s wedding and two years later you were married. He was charming and attractive and he had a good job. You both fell in love very fast and he was eager to start a family but life had other plans. With each passing day, you and Mike become even more distant from each other.

You only have sex when you’re fertile now, because the times when you had sex for pleasure has long passed. Now you do it because after being married for seven years, you still haven’t gotten pregnant once. And so, every month, you try to get pregnant, but ever so faithfully, two weeks after, the red roses bloom.

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Earlier in the week, your colleague took you to a prophetess who she said worked mighty miracles and performed signs and wonders; You took one look at the place that served as her home and temple, a dingy one room apartment in a building that looked like it was going to collapse anytime, and you laughed. You wondered why her signs and wonders hadn’t gotten her out of the slums. You shared this thought with your colleague and she eyed you and called it humility, or modesty. Or both.

The prophetess listened to your story and pronounced her verdict immediately after you stopped talking. She said you had greatly offended some people in your past. She said they were still angry and that their anger had turned into a rope that had tied a knot around your womb, preventing you from conceiving. You laughed nervously and asked her what her solution was. She said you had to search your mind, find these people and beg their forgiveness.

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