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Recession Memo by BUHARIISCURSED(m): 10:48am On Oct 08, 2016 |
*INTERNAL HOME MEMO* *FROM*: FATHER *TO:* ALL DEPENDANTS & RELATIVES *CC*: MOTHER *DATE*: August 05, 2016 *SUBJECT: FINANCIAL MELTDOWN/COST CUTTING MEASURES FOR YOUR URGENT ATTENTION* *Due to the current economic situation, all domestic rules and regulations* *Have been revised as below and under no* *circumstance is any violation going* *to be accepted*. 1. The Kitchen and all pantries are declared *Restricted Zones*. Entry and/or passage shall require express permission from *myself upon submission of written request*. 2. Breakfast is banned. This matter cannot be *discussed*! 3. Such food items as *rice, chicken, butter, jam, eggs, bread and milk* are Restricted. Anyone intending to eat any of such foodstuffs must write to *me in triplicate*, with three days notice, giving justification backed by a *qualified dietician* report as supportive documentation. 4. Bathing in the morning is limited to *5 litres* of water per person while bathing in the evening is banned unless there are *medical reasons*. 5. All security lights should be removed with immediate effect. *All dependants shall abide by an all-night guard-duty roster* I shall make available shortly. 6. No dependant shall entertain friends indoors, far less attempt to offer food, drinks or even music. *Those who want their guests to listen to music shall sing for them.* 7. No one is allowed to talk to officials from police, Council or Court Bailiffs; doing so shall carry an instantaneous penalty of ejection from the House. 8. Anybody who breaks a glass, furniture or any other property in The House, shall immediately have to seek *temporary employment* somewhere to earn money to replace such broken item(s). 9. All *visitors* intending to spend a *night/week or more* shall apply in triplicate and give *two months notice*, with an endorsement from their *village Head or Church Priest*, giving convincing reasons why they can't stay at their *homes*. Failure to do this shall result in their being turned away, at the gate, upon arrival. *THESE RULES ARE BINDING AND NOT SUBJECT TO ANY DISCUSSION WHATSOEVER!!!* Signed: *DAD* Chairman of Home Affairs |
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