|Brestar's Compilation Of Funny Jokes. by Brestar(f): 7:49am On Dec 22, 2016 |
Well I've decided to compile some of the most funniest jokes I've came across on the Internet.
Hope its worth the read.
A Texan is vacationing in a small Spanish town. That evening in the hotel restaurant, the waiter asks for his order. He points to the table nearby. "I'd like what he's having. It smells amazing."
The waiter shrugs. "I'm sorry, senor, that is, how you say, the testicles of the bull. From the afternoon bullfight, and we have only the one bullfight per day. But I can reserve them for you for tomorrow night." "Really? Bull testicles? Oh, what the hell, sure."
The next night he comes in and the waiter brings out a magnificent smelling platter. He sets to and devours them. The waiter comes by. "So, senor, how did you enjoy your meal?"
"They were incredible! Every bit as good as I'd hoped. But ... why were they smaller than the ones last night?"
The waiter shakes his head regretfully. "I'm sorry, senor. You see, sometimes the bull wins."
|Re: Brestar's Compilation Of Funny Jokes. by Brestar(f): 7:53am On Dec 22, 2016 |
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and goes into a coma.
After nearly six months, she wakes up to find that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "You had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them!"
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not such a bad name! I like Denise!"
Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
|Re: Brestar's Compilation Of Funny Jokes. by Brestar(f): 7:57am On Dec 22, 2016 |
President Bush is representing the United States of America on a highly formal, impeccably planned state visit to England. At Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One, and Mr. Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.
They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent matching white horses. As they ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well. But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach.
Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident but then the Queen decides that's ridiculous. She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets...I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control".
George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought...you know, if you hadn't said something I would have thought it was one of the horses."
|Re: Brestar's Compilation Of Funny Jokes. by Brestar(f): 8:03am On Dec 22, 2016 |
The Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day the Pope and Rabbi sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The Rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy. Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. The Rabbi responded by holding up a God common to both our beliefs. Then I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. The Rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins, and the Rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue."
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he'd won.
"I haven't a clue," said the Rabbi. "First, the Pope told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.”
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."
Cc: Lalasticlala, Dominique
|Re: Brestar's Compilation Of Funny Jokes. by Brestar(f): 8:15am On Dec 22, 2016 |
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your Robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"
|Re: Brestar's Compilation Of Funny Jokes. by Brestar(f): 8:23am On Dec 22, 2016 |
Wife calls her scientist husband... "Honey... It's Friday... you're late..."
"I'm busy with my team in an experiment."
"We've just added a derivative of C2H5OH with ambient temperature H2O and aqueous CO2. To cool this mixture added some super low temperature, solidified H2O, now while waiting for some protein, we are fumigating the lab with vapours of nicotine...
It's 4 or 5 round experiment... So I will be late."
"Oh dear... I won't disturb you... please take your time..."
Aqueous CO2 (Soda)
Vapours of Nicotine (Smoking)
|Re: Brestar's Compilation Of Funny Jokes. by kokaneprodigy(m): 10:06pm On Dec 28, 2016 |
|Re: Brestar's Compilation Of Funny Jokes. by spacyzuma(m): 10:37am On Jan 06, 2017 |
lmfao @ Bush & the Queen
Years ago, before I started using the internet, I had a word document where I saved my favorites jokes that I read in newpapers and magazines.
I'll look for it and do something similar to this thread. Thanks!!
|Re: Brestar's Compilation Of Funny Jokes. by skinz(m): 10:35pm On Feb 22, 2017 |