I am posting this thread in this section and not romance because I believe I would get a higher percentage of mature contributions from here than the romance section (as per age and experience and, marital status of the ppl commenting)

I am engaged to be married. I really love my fiance and I know he is  a great person but he has this attitude that keeps bugging me. He rarely ever calls me. He calls like twice a week and avg duration is 2.5 minutes. Sms is avg of 1 in 2 days. I call everyday and it lasts at least 30 -40 minutes. Its a long distance relationship and we see every 3 months cos we are in different countries. Its really difficult for a woman to be the one working alone to make the relationship work cos thats what it seems to me.

I might not have been bothered but ppl keep saying that when a man doesn't call it means he is not interested. I have tried talking to him and he keeps saying he will improve that its cos work is stressful and he rarely has time for himself. He keeps insisting he loves me that it will get better when things get better. I hate having to tell him all the time that I want him to improve cos I think it makes me a nag. Someone like me the only thing that makes me feel loved is constant communication and integrity. I dont need gifts or money to feel loved.

I keep wondering how busy will a man be that calling his loved one at least everyday no matter how short it is will be difficult? Or should I give him space.

Does he really love me or Am I asking for too much?

PLease experienced men & women who have been through this please advice me, Is he silently telling me to leave or should I be patient?

.

Thanks a lot chaircover, Will do that.

When I first saw this title I thought to myself--- love is NOT something you say but it is shown thru actions---- but 1. what type of work does he do ?

In addition, I like chaircover's response:

chaircover:

This is a difficult one to answer because you know your man better than anyone else here. You alone will have a deep gut feeling on whether he really loves you or not.

I know that sometimes when Im in Nigeria, I help my dad manage his business and no matter how busy or tired I get, If I really like the person im dating, I at least send SMS couple of times of day. To let them know that im thinking about them--- BUT, let him know that contact, communication matters to you and you would like that he calls you more often.

Because what will happen is that if you accept him this way, don't expect him to change after you get married to him. In fact, he would probably be away for weeks and not even give you a phone call and expect you to understand because this is what he has always done. 

@ posakosa

He does one of those jobs that keeps u there from 7 to 9,

But lunch break dey. Most of the times d sms/calls is after I have complained and shown signs of really being pissed. Once I cool down his gestures cool down too.

I have the deep gut feeling that he loves me. When I complain he just sounds helpless as if I asking him to do the most difficult task in the world,

Even though I love but u know that actions build or destroy love.

how long have u been dating him ?

We never really dated. We were just really close friends more like brother and sister for 5 years. Then he proposed to me in June.

kitty kat:

We never really dated. We were just really close friends more like brother and sister for 5 years. Then he proposed to me in June.

''

hahahahahahahahahahahaahhaha-----makes sense. He will learn to like you in due time.

He probably only sees you as his sister--- the same way you see him as a brother.

was he forced to get married ? and what made you accept his proposal ?

lol ;

I think he proposed for 3 reasons;

1. The relationship ( brother/sister thing) was getting uncomfortable for him & since last year he keeps saying "I love you more than u can understand" and I noticed that he normally wasnt comfortable when we are alone in a place. Sometimes he would even try some u[b]nbrotherly[/b] moves which I would politely refuse.

2. Many guys were flocking around me and I guess he wanted me off the market

3. His parents have started disturbing him to show him their daughter in-law.

the fact you "act like brothers and sisters" doesn't make you compatible. I mean what you do expect, he's a man with a manliness and because you are NOT really his sister--- he does have a right to feel uncomfortable.


Why didn't you try dating other men--- I mean u're engaged now, but it would have been nice to date other people so as to see what is out there---- or were you also in a rush to get married  ?


Yes his parents are rushing him, but they won't live in the house with you and u're both incompatible--- Marriage is not something that you rush into, and if things such as phone calls is already making you concerned and worried--- i don't know what the future holds---- will you be going to marriage counselling ?

I would av said u r making up 4 his weakness(es). I mean u doing d calling most times. In those past 5yrs how has communication been btw both of u? If its not better than wat u r complaining of now, then it wont after marriage becos u can't seem 2 deal wt dis aspect of his behaviour. Like my dad wld say, "I can't climb up na down u go talk am not wen u don begin climb". Tell him point blank dis feeling, hear him out, device a strategy 2 put him on his toes n see if it 'll improve. I wish u all d best in life.

You're engaged to be married, he should have all the time in the world for you.

Thanks breathless & Posakosa

breathless:

I would av said u r making up 4 his weakness(es). I mean u doing d calling most times.

Before he started working he was doing most of the communication. It went down and I took over. Bt wait breathless is it a good thing that I make up for this particular weakness?

Me thinks calling should be natural and not become a by force thing---

calling you seems burdensome in his case----


_{thats why im asking if he was forced to be married.} Because it seems obvious that you are NOT his priority or maybe you BORE HIM TO DEATH when he calls ?

posakosa:

Me thinks calling should be natural and not become a by force thing---

calling you seems burdensome in his case----


_{thats why im asking if he was forced to be married.} Because it seems obvious that you are NOT his priority or maybe you BORE HIM TO DEATH when he calls ?

Priority I think might be d case now.

@poster
I think your guy simply was too exhausted to make a daily telephone call considering he has to work from 7 to 9. Have you considered other forms of communications like regular emails, SMS etc in addition to occasional phone calls so that both of you don't need to be on either end of the phone every day? He can then perhaps send you a short email during his break, I would have thought. I think to expect daily phone calls from a guy is probably a bit too femanine. Not every men enjoy doing that.

@poster

Did you mean "Skeptical"?

Chaircover

point taken

Chaircover has said it all.

iice:

People and their calling issues. See mathematical breakdown of actions

I do agree though with Chaircover on you'd know in your gut if he loves you. Then again. . .many people don't listen to their guts

Oh dear, you sabi correct about that one.

@ OP. One thing I've come to experience, witness and KNOW is that when you're about to get married, you should be 'sure' within yourself that things are 'right'. Do not get me wrong, you will have disagreements etc, but when 'doubt' and 'uncertainty' crops up, even in the slightest, you have to take a step back and really think.

@ topic kinda understand your situation up to a point

you need to  "pepper" him  up " ", show him that if he is not ready to start communicating with you 24/7,

be the one doing the running again , he should get astepping jare "  "

and if the man calls your bluff ,then he was not meant for you.

Either he doesn't have enough money to make long calls or he just can't be bothered. But since you call him everyday and he responds, I think it's more of a money issue. Someone who doesn't love you wouldn't pick up your calls.

stillwater:

Either he doesn't have enough money to make long calls or he just can't be bothered. But since you call him everyday and he responds, I think it's more of a money issue. Someone who doesn't love you wouldn't pick up your calls.

What if he picked the call out of pity?

thanx all 4 ur posts;

I think stepping back is what I will do.

Doubts 4 sure I have em cos its all confusing. I have been thinking if my girlfriend told me this I would definitely tell her to step back a give him lots of space. Though its very difficult. But I did rather do that and save myself future heartaches.

So I am stepping back just to be sure he is really up for this,

i'm really liking the replies here. . .i'll drop my two cents
"moving back" might just be the right thing to do in this case, though i'm not sure what exactly it entails, but if you mean that much to him it wont be hard for him to step up his game (i speak from experience), you said he says 'i love you more than you can imagine'? is he the type of guy that would say stuff like that and not mean it? cause for a guy to say that to someone that he's been friends with would take a lot of moxie, the the unbrotherly moves, has he always made them or it started recently? it could just be that the thrill could be part of what drove him to propose

have you read 'men are from mars women are from venus'? i think it'd be helpful in your case cause it seems you dont really get the male psyche(there are some excepts, but generally most males are similar in some ways)

like guys think "i've told you i love you and if that changes i'll let you know" hence we dont feel the need to say it really often, while women on the other hand. . .

on a final note, be careful how you use things like 'moving back' with guys, the first time he'll be terrified and so you'll get whatever you want, the second time he'll be scared but not really terrified but he'll still conceed sha, the third time he'll barely budge, and most times there wont even be a fourth time cos he'll be tired so dont make a habit of threatening to leave if you cant go through with it.

Fhemmmy:


What if he picked the call out of pity?

Umm people don't spend 30-40 mins on the phone with people they feel pity for. They'll hurriedly tell you they're busy. That's what I think.

^^^ Nice one, I can see my student is finally coming into her own and applying everything she learnt under my feet Keep it up, don't let me down, cos i have a reputation to protect, you here

mama-gee:

@poster

Did you mean "Skeptical"?

No, she meant "sceptical", it is a simple tomaa-to/tomayto issue

[s]Dang I can see that Sister Amebo no 1 and her porous brain has left the cage open again [/s]

stillwater:

Umm people don't spend 30-40 mins on the phone with people they feel pity for. They'll hurriedly tell you they're busy. That's what I think.

could still be out of pity . . . .stayed on the fone, cos he doesnt want the woman to start crying, cos he has a big heart.

Busy_body:

^^^ Nice one, I can see my student is finally coming into her own and applying everything she learnt under my feet Keep it up, don't let me down, cos i have a reputation to protect, you here




No, she meant "sceptical", it is a simple tomaa-to/tomayto issue

[s]Dang I can see that Sister Amebo no 1 and her porous brain has left the cage open again [/s]

Will get you, na me your student dey use practice ?

Busy_body thanx 4 pointing it out

sceptical: british,

skeptical: american,

@ netoste

I got the book Men are from mars and Women are from Venus

Makes a whole lot of sense, It talked abt men and their cave, & lots of other stuff.

@poster
this is a great book to understand the misunderstanding between the actions of men and women in general.

let me point out a few things. as a man, jumping from one brotherly relationship to fiance relationship is complñetly wrong. there should have been a lot in betwenn before that day. where was the dating period? the getting to know each other romantically? the i love you period? the i can live without you period?

this man acts like a guy who lives his life as a single man on the other side of the world(doing his own thing) knowing that he has this girl that is being ¨prepared¨ for him. lots of brothas do this shit.
what you see is what you get, do not try to change him because he will just pretend to be someone he is not and, after the marriage and yrs of pretence, he will just get back to his TRUE SELF.

if it doesnt feel right then it probably isnt! you both are acting like desperate people. ask yourself this question:
do you want to marry this man because you think he is the right one or because you KNOW he is?

beware of what you are getting yourself into.