Iced Down Car

This guy drives up to his house and the place where he usually parks is full of snow. So, he parks in a nearby parking lot and walks back home to shovel out a car-sized space in front of his house.

It takes hours to shovel, but finally done, he walks back to the lot to get his car. When he returns home, he finds that the space has been taken by some other car. He is, well, upset.

What most people do is write nasty notes, etc. and place them on the windshield of the offending vehicle. Police sometimes get involved, however, when the individual vents his wrath in somewhat more violent means. Tires and throats have been slashed over this.

So, this guy decides to get creative. Instead of doing the usual nasty note, he got out his garden hose and watered the automobile down, real well. I mean, very, very thoroughly. The water of course froze solid. When the owner returned, instead of a car, he found a car-sized popsicle.

The note on the car read, "You want the space? Here. It's yours until spring!"


10 Ways to Handle a Telemarketer

10.) When they ask, "How are you today"?, tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died."

9.) If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

8.) Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my gosh! Judy, how have you been"? Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where in the world she could know you from.

7.) If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends. Would you be my friend"?

6.) If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

5.) Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask them if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.

4.) After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

3.) Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their home phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their home number, say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right"? The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Say goodbye and hang up.

2.) Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma"?

1.) First and foremost, tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down


Alligator Shoes

A blonde was on vacation in the Everglades. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"

The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spots a huge nine-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, fires, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby are seven more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.

As the shopkeeper stands on the bank, watching in silent amazement, the blonde struggles and flips the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out, "Rats! This one's barefoot too!"