ON BECOMING: NA NAIJA WE DEY

Bros! Don’t take this too serious, I understand you are mad with the way things have turned out. I sabi say you dey vekx say for the past 6 years since graduation, you never see better job. The last one wey you see, dem been dey ask for 30 years’ experience and not more than 30 years of age can apply.

Don’t blame her, it’s not her fault she doesn’t know that kerosene now sells for over #500 per litre, gala sells for #100, even garri is now so expensive you cannot afford to even have a *kongo at home. Don’t be mad sister Kalista, don’t blame him either. Her father forgot to remind them that there is a state known as penury. But shey nah forget hin forget? Abi hin just decide to keep the thing away from hin pikin them.Well, he probably was busy with the board meeting he had with party officials or his ATM at home kept dispensing dollars and Euro notes enough for his children and even more than enough for the side chicks he opened accounts for in their names.

You know, these men in power have to arrange this money in bundles for easy travelling. They have to appear as humble as they can overseas in order to avoid any suspicion. And what if they mistakenly get caught? They agree to serve their jail term there under air conditioned cells, then return home as kings to be coronated or a political appointmment.

Tell your father not to kill himself with argument. Nah on top newspaper hin spend money wey una suppose use chop. I know you are mad at that, and even more mad on these continuous arguments over Barca, Arsenal, Chelsea and PSG when his mates, your friend’s fathers are busy taking living room selfies with Buhari in London. Your papa talk say if Buhari like make hin die, he no concern am. You are like, hey! Papa, that’s our dear president. Papa was like good for you ooo.

Every time you remind your mother of the new weave-on sponsored as an ‘ad’ on LIB and you want to buy it, she reminds you of how bad she wants to change her own too but the recession is not helping things. You called your uncle who works as an official in *EFCC. He becomes a motivational speaker, advising you to join the whistle blowers and even gives you the link to download the app from Playstore. LOL, He tells you how many percent awaits you from the recovered loot with his sugar-coated mouth. You have no doubt he already took his share from that money too. His display picture (dp) was revealing.
It is tiresome that some of your friends cannot come online; the recession has forced their smart phones to go offline. Who knows? If you are reading this with the 50MB data bonus MTN mistakenly 'dash' you. You graduated lucky enough to sign out, but the federal government keeps you signed in at home because they cannot afford to mobilize you.

Tell Bode not to worry, hin girl-friend go show face later if everything don make sense. Tell Jumoke not to worry, he will never return because he saw a house wife in her but she sees more than that in herself. It is Feminism; they say that it should be for everybody. LWKMD. Tell Bode again to top complaining, he should think of how he will become what and how in a society that would rather take than help you on-becoming…

NB *kongo: A form of measurement in South West Nigeria
*EFCC: Economic Financial Crimes Commission
*Dash: Offer

Source: http://www.hub201.com/on-becoming-na-naija-we-dey/

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S
Author: Badiru Kehinde
(Poet,Story-teller,Essayist,Graphic Artist)
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