A duck walks into a job center and says to the man behind the desk 'Excuse me; I'm looking for a job. Can you help?' The man can't believe it and replies 'hold on minute sir, I'll make some enquiries for you', the man then phones up a showbiz agency and explains that there's this amazing talking duck wanting a job and could the agent find him work in a show somewhere. Obviously the agent is excited and has no problem in finding a show for the duck. The man goes back to the duck and says 'Good news sir, I've found you job in show business' With this the duck replies 'That’s no good, I'm a plumber'

A policeman brought four boys before a judge. "They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor," he said. "Boys," said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency. Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong." "My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen." "My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen." "My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen." "My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy.

A conversation between a patient and his doctor.

Patient: Doctor, doctor I have only 58 seconds to live!!!!!!

Doctor: I’ll be with you in a minute.

This are Microsoft jokes

would you accept this too. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" Not only that, but, Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you

A bar owner locked up his place at 2 AM and went home to sleep. He had been in bed only a few minutes when the phone rang. “What time do you open up in the morning?” he heard an obviously inebriated man inquire. The owner was so furious, he slammed down the receiver and went back to bed. A few minutes later there was another call and he heard the same voice ask the same question. “Listen, the owner shouted, “there’s no sense in asking me what time I open because I wouldn’t let a person in your condition in—“ “I don’t want to get in,” the caller interjected. “I want to get out.”

boooooooooooooo

dryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ;d

couldn't even smile SORRY TRY AGAIN.

Awwwwwo you people should try and encourage him

@Marlet
not bad

Hehehe

jaybaby:

dryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ;d

Hey stop that!!! Try to appreciate other peoples joke don't condem lets see what you guys have got!!!!

@Galatico

word

Crazyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,

"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."

Nigeria Airways
Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your captain (James) welcoming you on board of Nigeria Airways. We apologize for the four-day delay in taking off, it was due to bad weather and some overtime I had to put in at the bakery. This is flight 126 to Lagos. Landing in Lagos is not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in the south. If luck is in our favor, we may even be landing on your village!
Nigeria Airways has an excellent safety-record. In fact our safety standards are so high that even terrorists are afraid to fly with us!
It is with great pleasure; I announce that since starting this year over 50% of our passengers have reached their destination. If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can arrange to turn them off!
To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary Bongo tea and Okin biscuits! For our not-so-religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God!
We regret to inform you, that today’s in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. But for our movie buffs, we will be flying right next to Al Barka, where their movie will be visible from the right side of the cabin window.
There is no smoking allowed in this plane. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down! In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close as possible for the best view. If, however, we go a little too close, do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right through the landmark!
Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take-off and fasten your seatbelt. For those of you who can’t find a seatbelt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat …and for those of you who can’t find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with a stewardess who will explain how to fasten yourself to your suitcase."
Enjoy Nigeria Airways

THE FOLOWING CONVERSATION HAPPENS BTW A SPEECH THERAPIST AND A STAMMERER.

Stammerer: "I hea, hea, heard tha, that you can hel, hel, help me".

Speech therapist: "Yes, sure. Ease yourself in the chair, look straight in my eyes, and count slowly till ten".

Stammerer: "O, one, t, two, th, th, three, , eight, nine, ten. It's wonderful, I don't stammer anymore!"

Speech therapist: "My fee is 300 dollar."

Stammerer: "H, h, how mu, mu, mu, much?!!!"

When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad,

IN PRISON, You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK, You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON, You get three meals a day.
AT WORK, You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON, You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK, You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON, A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK, You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON, You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK, You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON, You get your own toilet.
AT WORK, You have to share.
IN PRISON, They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK, You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON, All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK, You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON, You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK, You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON, There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK, They are called supervisors.
in PRISON, You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK, You get fired if you get caught.

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the situation in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air-conditioning and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?" Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air-conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here." "No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or here I'll sue you" Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a Lawyer?"

not funny

too many joke at a time. its boring