Marraige Counselor


A drug addict and his wife decide to go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor by herself. The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 25 years, so what seems to be the problem with your marriage?"The wife responds, "It's my husband -- he's driving me insane! I'm going to leave him if he doesn't stop!" "How is he driving you crazy?" "For 25 years," she says, "he's been doing these annoying things. No matter where we go he's always looking at the floor. He's paranoid. It's embarrassing." The marriage counselor asks, "Anything else?" "He keeps picking his nose all the time!" "OK, anything else?" The wife pauses, "whenever we make love, he never lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be on top!" "Well," says the counselor, "I'll talk to your husband now." So the wife goes out of the room and the husband steps in. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her insane. She might even divorce you." The husband looks very surprised, "Why? For 25 years I've been loving and kind and I've always given her what she needs! What could be the reason?" The counselor replies, "She says that you've got these annoying habits that are driving her wacko. First, you're always looking at the floor." The husband says, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father asked me to do on his deathbed and I swore I would." "What did he ask?" "He said that I should never step on any one's toes!" The counselor smiled, "Well, that just means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry." The husband looks surprised, "Oh. Okay." The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose." "Well, its another thing my father asked me to do! He asked me to always keep my nose clean." The counselor said, "That means that you should not be involved in anything illegal." "Oh my goodness," says the husband. "And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top while making love." "That," says the husband, "is the last thing my father asked me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important of all." "What did he ask?" The husband responded, "In his last breath, he said. Don't screw up."



A Fable


There was a fly speeding around a farm one day when he came upon a fresh pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours since his last meal, he landed on it and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate more and more. Finally, he decided he had enough and tried to fly off. He had eaten too much though, and could not get airborne. As he looked around wondering what to do, he seen a pitchfork up against the wall. He climbed to the very top of the pitchfork handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be OK. Well, he was wrong and dropped to the ground, splatting when he hit the floor. Dead as dead could be. The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit.



Go Figure!



Two men were sitting next to each other at a pub.

After a bit, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds, "Yes, I am from Ireland!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be from?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Galway."

The first guy responds, "And so am I! And what street did you live on in Galway?"

The other guy says, "I lived on Coach Street in the east part of town."

The first guy says, "So did I! And to what school did you attend?"

The other guy answers, "Well, I went to St. James."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "So did I. What year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1975."

The first guy says, "I can hardly believe our luck at ending up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. James's in 1975 as well."

About this time, another guy walks into the pub and asks for a whiskey. He asks the bartender, "Hows it going?"

The bartender says, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Callahan twins are drunk again."
Three Men Walk Into A Bar
Three men walk into a bar: a Greek, an Italian and an Irishman. Each man orders a beer. Three flys fly into the tavern and one fly lands in each man's drink.
The Italian man pulls the fly out of his beer, says "tutto 'e bene" (all is well)" and drinks the beer down.
The Greek man shows his beer with the fly still inside to the barman and asks for another beer.
The Irishman grabs the fly out of the beer, takes it by it's wings, while yelling
"Cough it up, you wee theivin' bastard!"




The Wife



A cop pulls over a speeding driver. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 85 miles per hour.' The driver says, 'My, officer I had it on cruise control at 55, is it possible your radar gun needs calibrating?' Not looking up from her reading the wife says: 'Now don't be coy honey, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.' So the cop writes out the ticket, the man looks over at his wife and says, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut?' The wife smiles and says, 'you should have slowed down when your radar detector went off.' As the cop makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man looks at his wife and says, 'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut for a minute?' The officer glances around and says, 'I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt. That's an automatic $100 fine.' The driver says, 'Well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license and registration out of my wallet.' The wife responds, 'You know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt anymore when you're driving.' And as the cop is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and yells, 'WON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?' The cop looks over at the woman and asks, 'does your husband always talk to you like this, Ma'am?' The wife says, 'Only when he's been drinking.'



A Dying Mans Last Wish



A dying drug addict called his three best friends to his bedside and handed each of them an envelope containing $5,000 in cash. He made them promise that after his death and during his viewing, they would place the three envelopes in his casket. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy heaven. A few days later the man died. At the viewing, the three friends, each placed an envelope in the casket and said goodbye to their friend. These three men met again a few months later. The first friend, feeling overwhelmed, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $1,000 in the envelope he put in the casket. He thought, rather than waste all the money, he would spend it on a trip to Florida to buy cocaine. The next friend, moved by the confession of the first, said that he too had kept some of the cash for a fun party. His envelope, he fessed up, had only $800 in it. He said, he could not bring himself to waste the money when it could be used to have a high time. By this time the last friend, a pot head, spoke. "I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the casket contained the full amount. My envelope contained my personal check for the entire $5,000."