OMO ALE NI OTUTU YI (THIS WHETHER IS A BASTARD)

Ara mi
Permit me to be naughty a little.
For what is life without the 'crazy' to spice up the normal.
For the presence of the Songs of Solomon helps to spice up the ancient word.

Maami, permit me to roll my pen on the raining sheets just like the child rolls his tyre in the raining day.
For I have a tale to tell.
A tale of my intense hatred for these morning rainy whether.

Laaro kutu Hai ni ojo yi bere.
The rain started very early in the morning.
Staying true to its Benin origins, it came without any warnings and mercilessly fell without pity.

While feeling sleepy, I fetched my wrapper which had been gotten from Onitsha,
Slid myself deeper into blanket which had helped me overcome numerous battles against those feelings.
And propped the pillow over my head to help me balance fully.
At last, I was fully prepared to sleep through the whether.

Ni kini yi bade
Then this feeling came.

That hotness one feels even though one is freezing within, came
And my body began to shift uneasily on the bed like a poor man who has just collected a 350 million lotto prize money and plans to take it to the bank the next day.
Lord knows that night would be the longest in the man's life
For his eyes would keep darting from the wall clock to his money and then to the door.

Hehehehehe
That man's lips would recite Psalm 91 so much that his wife would kick him in the legs in order to shut him up.


That overwhelming feeling to have iya Atinuke by my side, came so quickly.
Leaving me with a deep desire to play love like the Hollywood films do.
With the man getting a vase of red roses for his Iyawo (wife) before lifting her up suddenly and placing a kiss on her lips.
Surely that is far better than Nollywood films where the husband gives the wife 500 naira for soup, calls her 'Lolo'm', flashes the widest grin ever and immediately carries her to go and make baby number six.

A love like Hollywood's.
Where the husband takes the woman to the highest parts of the Eiffel tower, or ascend into the Australian skies with an hot air balloon while smiling and holding each others fingers.
Surely that is far better than Nollywood love where the husband takes the wife to the local mama Risi canteen where they both devour the amala without bothering to feed each other small chunks,
Or takes her to the boutique where she keeps on shopping and draining the atm of resources while the man feigns a smile outwardly, and weeps bitterly inside.

Kaii

What could I do to overcome that feeling?
I took up the bible.
Absent-mindedly flipping it to any chapter
The page I fell upon was 432, the book being Songs of Solomon, chapter 1 verse 2.

Iro oo (Na lie o).
Se bibeli mi lo so bayi abi oju n dun mi.
Could it be that I was seeing double or had my bible been switched by the devil while I slept.
Afterall, bible said that the enemy came to sow tares while the people slept.

I quickly closed the creator's manual and ran to the bathroom.
Quickly dousing myself with the water which had immensely cooled overnight.

The water did not do anything.
As the feeling resisted it like Alanipamolekun's body, the seasoned 'arrmi roba' (armed robber), resists the ordinary bullets of any policeman.

Much worse, it returned with full ferocity like an enraged bull which sees a matador that had killed her only child.
It returned like that nasty itch from 'werepe' (devils weed) which temporally fades away from the palm when scratched vigorously and then furiously begin to itch under the armpit.

Seeing that the water held no succor, I left the bathroom and went directly to my reading table.

Picking up a calculator and a sheet of paper, I set out to draft out a quick calculation of wedding expenses and the cost to feed little Atinuke when she comes nine months later.
For I was desperate to just marry anyhow and banish that feeling into the abyss.
For I was fully ready to be an 'okunrin' (man) and jump that Rubicon ledge with Love as my glider and Iya Atinuke as my seat mate.

Money for wedding venue -300k
Money for Iya Tawa's special buffet with Amala, Fufu, Semo, Wheat, ewedu, ila (okro), obe Ata (stew), egusi and Banga - 200k
Money for Iyawo's diamond studded ring and gown -- 350k
Money to take care of umu-Ada who were surely coming from my village- 150k
Money for drinks from oga Jamiu's store- 200k

Money for Cerelac big tin- 5k
Money for pampers for a full month- 20k
Money for music school during the mid-term break- 30k
School fees-

Arrrgrrhhh
My feeling had run away at this time like a local dog that stops barking after hearing the sound of a real gun.

Oro awada ko (this is not play)

Like a night guard, with a touch-light serving as a weapon, who mistakenly walks into a meeting of thieves wielding AK -47s, my feelings 'jejely' respected itself and walked away while whistling slowly.

With each figure I wrote, it receded into its shell while a splitting headache began to arise.
For the calculations were already exceeding 2 million naira, while my bank account sat down beside me, laughing wildly and holding it's side.

Beeni o.
I wanted to make that giant leap into becoming an okunrin (man) with only 2,750 naira in my bank account.

Thankfully.
I have gotten the cure for that feeling.

Beeni.
I have discovered the Kryptonite that weakens it's superhuman nature;
Discovered the little mutant child that renders it's powers useless.
Discovered the Delilah that can subtly sap away all its strength.
Discovered the Helen that can swiftly condemn it to a quick end like Troy.
Discovered the Drake verse that could end it's Meek Mill-like flexing and pride.

Beeni.
That figure on my account balance would always do the trick.
#BASHORUN

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