Good day to you, comrades in that never-ending struggle for true democracies where egalitarianism is entrenched in the fiber of society.
After watching for several years with increasing concern as you continue to vie sharply away from the guiding principles of all those who went before us (think the French Revolution), I find that I must at this time address myself to you with the hope that while there is still life (you haven't bombed everybody overthere to kingdom come, have you?) there is still hope for a better tomorrow.
There is a popular conception that there is no point pointing out a problem without suggesting a solution. In this letter, I will attempt to do both.

The problem:
I must say that while I admire your approach, tenacity and dedication to your causes (giving ones life is the ultimate sacrifice), your focus and implementation - to put it lightly - sucks (sucks balls in fact). Going around holding a grudge and killing innocent people does not endear you to people on the world stage upon which all your actions will be "torsh-lighted", critiqued, judged and condemned. Afterall, what do you think would happen to you if even just one of those 77 virgins happen to have been torn apart by one of your bombs here on earth?

The solution:
will set forth a 7-point agenda (consult a certain president who was a guest in one of the kingdoms close to your borders for advice if necessary. What? You are persona non-grata in that country? Don't worry, one of the 7 points I will propose below will fix that ASAP) which if followed to the letter will soon have you shipping your hashish on super-tankers round the world, and your leaders drinking tea out of little cups with the leaders of the G8 while reminiscing about the time you were dodging Allied rockets in the dry mountains of Afghanistan (No, Bush won't be there. He is no longer the president of America. No reason to be apologetic, I won't know who is who either if I had been forced to live in caves for the better part of a year too. And no, he hasn't grown a beard, the Infidel!)

The 7-point Agenda

1. Lose Osama
Frankly, you need to lose Osama Bin Laden. Treat him like a bad case of the mumps. If the 7-point agenda is to stand any chance of success, he has to go. If you can't find any reason to get rid of him, remember he used to be a member of the bourgeoisie.
In the spirit of the times (MTN: we can't wait for 2010. Let's go!), you can't do better propaganda-wise to tell the world of your new status than recording a video and publishing it on Youtube. Follow that up with a twit on Twitter and you should have viewings in excess of "Crank that Soldier Boy". What! You don't know the song? Where have you been? Next, you will be telling me you haven't seen the rat and cheese video of "I believe in miracles, where you from, you sexy thing , ". Apologies, I forget ,  the caves are too dense for satellite signals to penetrate and putting out a dish is like a paedo advertising advertising on CNN.
Back to Osama. The content of the video should start with a condemnation of Osama, followed by a public shaving off of his beard. He should then lose his head in a dramatic maneuver that would make Jigsaw (the protagonist in the SAW movie franchise) green with envy. The head will then feature in a 5-a-side (not too crowded please) soccer match titled "Mortal Kombat Soccer: freedom edition".


2. Loose the beard
Beards are wonderful things. Beautifully trimmed and kept clean, that is. The raggedy ones that you spot are an offence to men every where, really. And I have read in several places that women are generally attracted to men with beards. Couple that with a bald pate and you have got a winning combo. You would instantly win the manly man's man of the year award. What? It's wrong to have women attracted to men? That's so yester-years. Women are now bread-winners, Nobel prize laureates, scientists of note and they also wear trousers. Blasphemy you say?! Nah, just a function of comfort and the times we live in. Afterall, men used to wear blouses and skirts. There is in fact still a thing known as a kilt that is gaining world-wide acceptance now, though the Scots will point out the fact that it is not a skirt (semantics).
If you still need justification. Here is a little-known story about lice. The C.D.C. had an internal memo some years back that declared the U.S. rid of lice with lots of back-patting and fake-modesty about the work done to reach that declaration. The idea was to wait a couple of years, and then make it front page news in all the country's newspapers and on the blogosphere. That was until, a couple of you guys managed to sneak into the country ferrying the little buggers in "you-know-what" and thanks to them, the work of a couple of decades went down the drain!


3. Leave the boys alone
You can't be friends with the rest of the world if you don't stop this bad practice. If you need to do pokey-pokey, then (forgive the expression) poke a real hole. Why put a square peg in a round hole? You don't know what I am talking about? Stop joking, I thought we were past that. Go watch the film "The Kite Runner" and don't tell me it's negative propaganda sponsored by the Western Powers.
I like boys myself (no, not in that way, you perverts! I mean, they are boisterous, full of energy, with no cares and serves as a continuous reminder that tomorrow can always be better. I used to be one myself)


4. Lengthen your trousers
I don't mind a little bit of leg, if it's shaven, with manicured nails and slim. But the dusty, hairy ones peeping from under your "long" knickers are a no-no. The women are forced to were ground-sweeping regalia while you abuse other people sensibilities with scrawny spindly legs. If you are making laws, this one should be entrenched in your constitution - no trousers above the ankle. And just so that people don't get around it with the excuse of growing taller since the trouser was bought or sown, trousers must have an extra 3 inches of material folded in at the bottom. That way, the specially constituted trouser-police (armed with scissors, needles, thread and baton) can immediately fix any deviating pair on the spot.

By now, I am sure you are already wondering where the catch is? All these can't but come at a hefty price you think to you self. Well, surprise! The good news is that though there is a price, it is anything but heavy and a few of those members of the suicide squads you spend valuable time (with little resources - afterall, except for the cost of the bombs, a meal and a one way ticket, what other costs are there in your line of business) training can fulfill your obligations with little effort.


5. Women are not animals
You need to give your women some credit and rights. Afterall, they allowed you to grow up into raggedy-beard-growing women-hating rabble-rousers. What stops them from starting to dash the heads of your male babies against stones since you started your degrading campaign against them. "Sorry, the boy fell off my back while I was navigating through the mountain looking for water"
Without them, you wouldn't even be alive, yet you treat them worse than your animals.
That has to stop. They are people just like you. If you don't agree, then you might as well stop reading, and go hide in your caves. And expect the next round of shelling later tonight!


6. Africa needs you!
I am sure you have also watched with dismay the mismanagement of plentiful resources going on in most African countries at the expense of the masses. Family dynasties running whole countries into the ground, or the next "best" thing, cabals of men and women grooming next generations of their offspring that are just as corrupt as themselves to take over power.
This is where you can play a massive role in the emancipation of the African.
Consider this as an open invitation which comes with diplomatic immunity. You don't need Visas. All you need is a one-way ticket. Upon arrival, head for the seats of corrupt governments and do your stuff. This will scare the living day-light out of the subsequent generation of rulers.
We will appreciate and celebrate you. While we may not be able to offer you 77 virgins each, your names shall live for a thousand years on the lips of the grateful masses.
Remember, the only collateral damage allowed are to animals and inanimate objects.
That reminds me of a related matter. Our excommunicated son who goes by the name of AbdulMuttalab. You should have sent him home to us rather than allow this incompetent fellow to cause other Nigerian travellers unnecessary "aggro" at the embassies and airports. As you know, the U.S.A. (the greatest destination of all Nigerian travellers) has decided to label all 160 million of us terrorists. In our long renowned tradition of emigration (unfortunately, some people have compared us to roaches - that we can be found everywhere - don't mind the racist bastards! You know that popular believe about roaches and a nuclear cataclysm? The same goes for the African. It's hard to decide whether to consider that a compliment or not), we have been given every label under the sun, but never terrorists!

7. What are you still waiting around for?
The desert tracks are waiting for you. Find your way to Spain, swim across into Morocco. Head overland into the Sahara and before you know it, Bob's your uncle and you are at your destination. Vast expectant places to practice your craft! Go 2010!