Middle of Nowhere,
Offshore Nigeria,
5th December, 2017.

Dearest Nigerian Police force,
I write to you as a friend. I know I am one. After all, every time my footsteps have been ordered [enemies will read this as forced] to your Station I see it boldly written there.

‘The Police is your friend’.

So I’ll take the liberty to call you P. Isn’t that what friends do? Come up with cool nicknames for each other.

Oh! Sweet P, in recent times, your special men have come under intense and undue scrutiny. People all over Social media are trending #EndSARS. Chai! I know the pain you feel right now, the type birthed when people mistake your good intentions for bad because they don't understand. I too have been there.

In SS3, I once overheard Rabiu and his gang of miscreants planning to steal Boma's pen. To prevent this bad occurrence, to hamper this unfortunate incident of gargantuan repercussions from happening, I stole the pen first.

You will not imagine my Honey P that when Boma found out about it, he called me a thief! Oh was I hurt. I couldn't understand how he couldn't reckon with the fact that this was a case of using my wrong to cancel the wrong Rabiu and his gang would have done (Two wrongs can make a right when they make love. Shebi you know). Just look at a clear case of Ojoro cancelling Ojoro and for someone like him, Boma, who loved Math, isn't my minus multiplied by Rabiu's minus meant to equal plus for him? A shame he couldn't see it. A shame he couldn't understand.

I have read online how they claim your special men raid bars and viewing Centers, carting away people who you know are criminals. How do you know they ask? Tsk! Nollywood of course. Every time in movies criminals and bad boys meet to discuss and plan their next raid isn't it in bars they meet? Isn't that where Saint Obi and Gentle jack in Armed Robbers part 2 met to discuss how to rob a bank? How unfortunate that the answers to many of the questions that these social media accusers of the[police] brethren seek is all around them. And as for those ones in viewing centers, Na from clap dance dey start. From gathering for football, they'll gather to be shooting gun. Tufia Kwa! Please keep doing your good work, Observant P.

They say that on a daily basis, you harass, beat up and bundle away young men with beards, tattoo and dreadlock. SMH! If only they understood that 90 percent of criminals in this country keep beards. Beard, dreadlock and tattoo, everyone knows that is criminal starter pack. There is something about having beards that gives people the acuity needed to rob.

How can you not be a criminal when you have dreadlocks? See the name sef. Dread lock. Not even peace locks and yet they say they're innocent. Some even go the extra mile of drawing tattoo. Gangsters! All of them. Like those American hip-hop artists with tattoo all over their bodies. Next thing now they'll start shooting up and down. Energetic P, you must continue to prevent this.

One nonsense commenter even said He was stopped while driving back from the club at night by 1am, with his girlfriend. He said his girlfriend was called an Ashewo and he a Yahoo boy when they saw the Laptop in his car, after which they were bundled (his words) to the station. He says, his I-phone 6 was forcefully collected and searched. He claimed that your special men questioned and beat him, threatened to shave his cultist beards, asked why if he wasn't a criminal he was sagging.

Later he claimed, one of your men, a superior, even though they had found nothing on him, stared studiously at him and declared "Eureka! This one is a criminal. We have found him." He said he was detained and tortured to confess for almost two weeks and later bailed himself and his girlfriend who they continually insisted was an Ashewo, with almost N500k. Failure to do that and they'll waste him. Honest P! Reading this comment hurt me. How can people not understand?

This is how criminals operate. What good reason can someone have for being on the road by 1am in a country with freedom of movement, if not for something illicit? Which virtuous woman will be on the road, in a car, with a man, late at night, if she isn't an Olosho, a runs girl. People say how does sagging, keeping beards and wearing skimpy things concern an anti-robbery squad but you know - oh you so know, that this people are robbing the society of decency and you're anti-robbery. They should do the math, Decent P.

Some even talk about how you shoot people on the spot. They, hiding behind screens, talk about how many people you have killed in your custody. How you threaten to waste people if they do not do your bidding. If they do not bring the small amounts ( 100k and above) you ask for, so you can set them free, giving them a second chance, to desist from a life of crime, because there is a huge cow in your heart from where an unending supply of the milk of kindness flows.

It's a shame once more that when they put two and two together on this issue, they can't arrive at twenty two like you. The good book says do not suffer a witch to live. Criminal and witch any difference? Why not torture them horrendously till they are forced to confess anything to ease the pain. Why bring them before the law, and follow due process when we know how long it takes our judicial system to reach verdicts. And oh! You know those corrupt judges. Before you'll know, they'll take bribe and set them free again. But you're not like that. Better to waste these criminals -as your years of experience has helped you identify- and send them above to God, where you know Judgment will be swifter and certain. Your reward is surely in heaven Saint P.

Oh P! Can I call you Peepee? or No! Even better, P-square, cos no one be like you. I have read various accusations from people not lettered in the pursuit of criminals and it is unfair really. I must say that I commend the various responses that you have come up with so far. Especially the one from your P.R.O asserting that the people calling for scrapping of SARS are most likely armed robbers. Genius! He needs a raise if you ask me. I too thought the same of the stories I read online. It must be all those computer savvy yahoo boys and criminals. They must have recruited those thousands of people writing those gruesome stories about you. They wish to tarnish your good name. They want to make sure that the people continue to breathe in the air of criminality. But not while you're here; SARS. Like the disease of a similar name, you're the Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome that'll infect all who wish to keep inhaling criminally tainted air. Contagious P!

Also, I saw the cartoon you put out. The one with your men, muscled, smiling even, holding guns, standing in that kind of arrangement common to super heroes (that you are), containing phone numbers there for people to report all cases of abuse of your special men. What a master stroke. You even put in all the networks there to ensure there is no story and I couldn't help but recall how efficient your help lines and phone numbers are.

I remember calling one of your phone lines when some armed robbers were robbing a building near me and you responded efficiently, after the robbers had left. Detractors will want to focus on the fact you came after the event, but friends like me know to focus on the fact that you responded. Is it your fault the robbers left on time? I am sure you'll carry this stellar response over when people call and claim your special men are abusing them. Efficient P.

Finally, I heard your boss has ORDERED a reorganization of the special men. Kudos to him! It is always good to reorganize. It is even nicer to order it. Maybe move some men around, no need to retrain them, no need to sensitize them, no need to investigate the claims by Nigerians and bring the bad eggs to book. Nah Fam! Nah my nigga Peezle for shizzle. Everything is fine as it is.

It's not you it's them. One day they'll gain an understanding of the thoughts behind your actions. And when they do, hopefully they'll feel shame at this #EndSars and #Endsarsnow thing and rather trend #SarsmustLast, #SarsisBae and maybe just maybe, #Sarsonthebeat.

Yours Sincerely,
Friendship S.

Thanks for reading. Sometimes Satire is the only way to turn the mirror and make people see and understand.

With Love,
Uncle Stephen.

Lol