I know it and I  am sure, I hate him, I hate the man that call himself my husband. If I am given a free chance to kill him, I will gun him down or kill him instalmentaly. So he can know the pain in my heart. Is it a sin to be a woman? Tradition make it so, society make us less and this is killing, oh mean society!
          I married Bolaji at the age of 20 as my parent had recommended, they were the one who chose him and that was how it had always been with us. He did all he should do and brought me under his roof. At his success, we began to live as couple. He treated me lesser than human, I was a person of lower cadre so, I had my level. The way he talked to me made me feel, I was nothing compare to a human creature. Generally in our area, women are regarded as people without brain, obinrin o lopolo. You just need them to have children and keep the house,  a task that most men are not good at. Can a fool keep a house? Women are second class citizens. That is his view about me, 'I no get sense' so he treats me that way. If ordinary  insects, those tiny  creatures, can have the sense to live their lives how much more me,  created in his image and likeness. Who am I to have a say in the house not even a contribution from my view? I kept all in and I thank Edua, he made mistakes so many times. The thing we could have done right, he does it alone, thinking less of me. This made him always verbally abuse me, aago, ode, didirin, venting the anger of his failure on me. I am always at the receiving end of those, I am used to it but it tears the soul. He also refer me to those who brought me forth and sometimes give curses as if I was a domestic animal.
       This kill my spirit. This made me to doubt me, am I a human being or not. After I have married him myself esteem dropped, I no longer see myself to worth much. It makes me unhappy. It did not end at that psgcological and verbal abuse, he went to physical, he saw me as someone who can be corrected with a slap and if that isn't working, he can give few punches. If the head of a woman is not 'correct', a slap can help,  isn't it?  That happen many times, he had beaten me to the extended of having dislocated my hand, to the extent  of my children screaming and crying and I know they felt bad. All these, he still felt I deserve what I got and you know the people encouraged him by always shifting the blame on me to make the peace that is not, to reign. Where  I come from,  whether a man is wrong or not, they always speak more  to the woman and urge her to be better so as to please her man, the idol she has, the god that cannot be questioned.
This man that called himself my husband, put the heaviest side of raising the children on me. He gave what he feels he has but gave to drinking and keeping those pencil leg women. I know one of them, ever shining, my husband was one of the many reponsible for that but I looked tatared, debt here and there, raising our kids, just five of them. The people praise me, obinrin gidi, they said I was the golden wura, a mother indeed, the one who would gave all to raise her children. I ask, am I the only one who brought them to life? Was there no man, was I alone that night or afternoon, can't just remember the very time. They seem to ignore the man instead of given him open strokes and told him go and be responsible. They made the load my load. Yet I worth nothing. Abi,  what does a woman worth? With all the 'tiny legs' he has,  which one can he boast of anything with than the children I gave him and the life I had build with him after  we married. I know it,  I brought blessings, didn't I? Ask him.
     I have thought of leaving the marriage that had almost break me but I thought, of my children, will they grow without a father? They have grown to know their father now any way No, I will stayed but I know it was wrong to stay because with the way we act, we are teaching the children how not to be happily married. I tell you, I have divorced him in my heart of heart. I have divorced him long ago , I only perform my traditional duties. There is no one drop of love for him on this heart he hurts love kwa? Atinuke forbid. I despise him.
Another reason why I decided to stay is because of this community of mine, once you are divorced they look at you as the most irresponsible woman on earth. They disrespect you without, knowing the fire that pursue you out of the hole you called marriage. They come to you seeking to lay your back down as if it was the starve of that that sent you out. Why should I continue to live with a man that had never regarded me? I am not asking to control him or take his place but can there be mutual respect? He kept with that way and felt nothing was wrong.
The same victimised way he had made my sons to regard women and I fell bad about it, they have learnt from him. I hate to see my sons regard women, as their father regards me. I feel women deserve honour not because I am one but because it is true. I hate him o, I won't lie, it is strong in my soul. If not for what people will say, I will leave him, go and stay on my  own, may be I will feel myself, may be what I worth will manifest, may be I will be happier  but these people, won't they mock me, won't they say I am arrogant that is what I can't live with a man, a man that treat me best as a trash. By the time I am strong enough, I will take myself out but when, will the society understand Will the kids ever accept a plea from broken soul.

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