Dear Nairalanders,

Please I need candid advises on my family issue, I had to bring it here because I am totally shocked and confused.
....

You got married last year Dec 2017 and your marriage is already a year+?

Ahem!

Well, going by your narrative, your parent must understand that first, you have a home to build before any other thing. And this particular issue of financing your brother's education or general care for his finances, it must be made known that though it is good and right to help if you have the means, but it is neither mandatory nor obligatory.

They (your parent) must have already planted that sense of entitlement on your brother, as evident in his rude request. This is certainly not a good thing to do. And then your parent themselves. Well, it is your responsibility and by extension, your entire siblings, to cater for them just like they did when you were a child.

NB, it doesn't mean they must be catered for like babies. But from time to time, you sent whatever you can afford.

Finally, you must also understand that parents derived much pleasure in getting gifts from their children even when they're doing well. So no matter the little you have, sent it to them. And they wouldn't stop praying to God to bless your home more and more...

Inugo?

Op, sending a lil stipend to them is still better Dan not at all, may Almighty God bless ur husby to carter for there needs... Though it should be voluntarily but our parents rarely wanna knw about the situation of thz, I fnk patience is d key if you don't want a potential problem between parents and husby.. Just be wise

This is what I don't understand about our Nigerian marriages. In the west once you marry it's just you and your wife (then future kids).

In Nigeria once you marry, you marry your spouse's entire family lineage

my sister its not ur responsibility, but if you can,then support him but not at the expense of ur own life, u cant love ur brother more than urself. get ur brothwe to understand this, the earlier the better.



life na per head

First let them understand it's not mandatory, but in a polite manner, they seem to be taking things for granted

Your brother too is a man for Christ sake, can't he hustle?, they only want to spoil him.

And lastly, send to them when U have and don't allow it to give U headache.

Before I begin to cast your younger brother, I want to ask, how old is he? And what level is he now academically?

Well if m ur husband I won't take such shit..... Nah I won't..... Will reject that immediately..... I will only do on ma cause... Nt someone forcing by the way ur brother p isn't ur husband own.... Nt at all

You can always extend a helping hand To a certain age.



Depends on the kind settings Sha.

Liftme:
Dear Nairalanders,

Please I need candid advises on my family issue, I had to bring it here because I am totally shocked and confused.

I am married with a kid, I got married in December 2017, so my marriage is just a year+. My husband is a cleric, and I am out of job presently, we thank God we are doing okay. I had a job before I got married, but after conceiving , the hormones kicked in and I couldn't keep up with work regularly. I was even hospitalized at some point. It was a private company so they had to terminate my appointment.

I am yet to secure another job till date , though hubby have plans of setting up a biz for me, but the plan hasn't yielded due to financials. I also make confectionery(chin chin ), cream and soap only when ppl place order.

I used to work as a contract staff in a bank for 2 years, the contract ended and I had to wait for six months before joining d private firm as stated earlier. While working in the bank, my pay was 70k which was half of what a full staff gets, and I had to pay rent of 200k annually for a self con in Lagos Mainland. It wasn't easy for me as a lady, taking care of my bills, rent, transportation and all. I still strive to save at the end of the month, and in all ds, I was sending money to my parents and siblings, not every time, but most times or when they contact me. I paid my younger brother's school fee once and was mandated by my dad to send stipend of 5k to my younger brother monthly. I only got the chance to do that once, before I stopped working with the bank. Apart from the 5k and school fee that my dad knows about, I still send him money which wasnt made known to them.....

The main issue now is that my dad instructed my younger brother to contact his elder sisters(3) and ask us for the amount we would be sending to him monthly (he is still a student). I was angry when he passed the message to me via whatsapp. He was even rude in passing it, didn't say "hi or "hello" ,he just started with "your dad said". I addressed d way he passed it, told me he was sorry, and I told him I will get back to him on d money issue, also told him I know things that needed to be done by me when and if I have the means, and clearly I once had d means and I was contributing then. I called my elder sister to confirm she got the same msg , and she told me that her
Husband said d message was wrong since our dad is still alive. I also discussed with my husband, and he said he understands and it's not a big deal when there is enough to go round, but right now we are still trying to stand right which is true cos all d burden of our family is still on him.. He also has ppl he renders financial help to (family, friends, strangers), and he does for my family too when need arises. He has also given my parents money not once not twice.....


Well, hubby called my dad today to greet him only for my dad to address the issue of my younger brother. He told my hubby he and my mum trained us academically so that we can pay back when we start working, said its my husband's responsibility to send money to my younger brother since I am not working and married.

Haha, I was sad hearing ds because I don't understand how training of one's children academically equals financial payback, and how my family's responsibilities becomes my husband's cos he I am married to him.

I forgot to mention that my mum invited my hubby about 3 weeks ago to address issue of us not giving her money regularly and me not working yet. She told my husband that they all know we are comfortable, Shoo, these ppl don't even know how we live, they believe we are doing extremely fine cos we've Neva asked for loan or help. My mum just retired from a government job last year, she's doing okay and dad still works too, also doing okay.

Please, how do I go about this? How do I make them see its not mandatory, but voluntarily (my brother's finances)? Or am I being wrong, is it their right?

I apologize for the long post,please.

Awaiting responses....

I do not even understand u self, u married Dec2017 and now u have a child already, well that is not my consign how old is ur brother.

Your younger brother is originally your parents financial responsibility. After your parents, you.

Your husband helping out is not a bad idea, but it's not his responsibility.

Asowari:
I do not even understand u self, u married Dec2017 and now u have a child already, well that is not my consign how old is ur brother.

I guess it's a mistake, she also mentioned that her marriage is 1+, so I think it's Dec 2016.

MissSlimbody:
I guess it's a mistake, she also mentioned that her marriage is 1+, so I think it's Dec 2016.

Noted

Twisted

And your hasband paid for everything a man is suppose to pay before marrying you abi? And your people still had the guts to make demands as if your husband is owing them knowing fully well that you re not working? If i dey your husband shoes kobo i won't give until when i feel like giving let them come and force me lemme see.

@ liftme,


Your parents are being petty.


But you have a good partner who is understanding and willing to help when the resources are available.


The onus lies on you to enlighten your parents that the sole responsibility of catering to the needs of your sibling lies with them.


From your narration, your parents can comfortably look after your sibling.

hmmmmm...this one strong!

Asowari:
I do not even understand u self, u married Dec2017 and now u have a child already, well that is not my consign how old is ur brother.

i
2016 pls, was a mistake, marriage is a year +. My brother is 21

dingbang:
Before I begin to cast your younger brother, I want to ask, how old is he? And what level is he now academically?

He's 21, 300L

Liftme:
i
2016 pls, was a mistake, marriage is a year +. My brother is 21

noted. ur brother is 21 tell ur father let that ur brother find himself part time job

Liftme:
He's 21, 300L

now my younger sister is just the same age as he is and she sells hair for a living on campus.

Ur bro is quite lazy. And its not your husband's responsibility as he is not in anyway related to him by blood.

Your parents should mind the way they demand things from him else he would get so angry and it will have an effect on your marriage.

Asowari:
noted. ur brother is 21 tell ur father let that ur brother find himself part time job

Here in Africa there is always a sense of entitlement from our parents.

I would just like to say that most of us will get to that age someday and if you do not have a strong financial savings,you will seek entitlement from your kids

It should be done with moderation and not by force.

Your parents are totally wrong. I can't wish to have that kinda in-laws honestly. Their demand is totally wrong and unacceptable. It is not your responsibility to train your siblings unless your parents are not alive or incapacitated. It is their duty 100%. The feeling of entitlement from them is regrettably wrong and portrays them in a very bad light. You and your siblings can chose to help but you shouldn't be reminded to help. I don't even believe that enlightened peeps can be thinking this way, while traders who are parents, think very differently.

I think it's high time you let your parents know your family''s financial status. Sweeetheart, you can't give what you don't have. Send help to your parents and brother when you can, it isn't mandatory o.
Haba, your father still works and your mother collects pension. Make them pity your husband na

Whew! I would go home, sit them down and tell them as it is. If they do not understand still, I would stop picking their calls for a long long time. This is what I would do if I were you.

By the way, your brother's finances is neither yours nor your husband's responsibility.

Tell them never to call your husband for financial assistance again. It is an embarrassment to you and it can cause see finish in a marriage. If they need anything, let them speak to you not your husband. Tell them that right now you don’t have and the decision that you should not work is because of your health, not that your husband said you should not. Their point of trying to pass that as your husbands fault is ridiculous.

Tell them That when there is money you will do your best. But right now, you people are rich in Jesus name. Be very firm please. It’s their responsibility to educate all their children. Not place their own burden on you while they are still alive. It’s their fault that they gave birth to more kids than they can cater for. Don’t dare put your husband in any financial pressure that you know he cannot afford. Just be firm and lock up abeg. They will understand.

Why are people calling the OP's younger brother as lazy? How do you expect a 21 years old undergraduate to hustle when there are millions of jobless graduates in Nigeria? Where is the job in Nigeria? People will just make comments as if things are rosy in Nigeria?

As regards the OP, I will advise you and your elder sisters to assist your younger brother if you have the means. If you don't have, you should visit your parents and explain the financial situation of your family to them. So, they won't put hope on you and your husband as regards training your younger brother in school.

Liftme:
Dear Nairalanders,

Please I need candid advises on my family issue, I had to bring it here because I am totally shocked and confused.

I am married with a kid, I got married in December 2016, so my marriage is just a year+. My husband is a cleric, and I am out of job presently, we thank God we are doing okay. I had a job before I got married, but after conceiving , the hormones kicked in and I couldn't keep up with work regularly. I was even hospitalized at some point. It was a private company so they had to terminate my appointment.

I am yet to secure another job till date , though hubby have plans of setting up a biz for me, but the plan hasn't yielded due to financials. I also make confectionery(chin chin ), cream and soap only when ppl place order.

I used to work as a contract staff in a bank for 2 years, the contract ended and I had to wait for six months before joining d private firm as stated earlier. While working in the bank, my pay was 70k which was half of what a full staff gets, and I had to pay rent of 200k annually for a self con in Lagos Mainland. It wasn't easy for me as a lady, taking care of my bills, rent, transportation and all. I still strive to save at the end of the month, and in all ds, I was sending money to my parents and siblings, not every time, but most times or when they contact me. I paid my younger brother's school fee once and was mandated by my dad to send stipend of 5k to my younger brother monthly. I only got the chance to do that once, before I stopped working with the bank. Apart from the 5k and school fee that my dad knows about, I still send him money which wasnt made known to them.....

The main issue now is that my dad instructed my younger brother to contact his elder sisters(3) and ask us for the amount we would be sending to him monthly (he is still a student). I was angry when he passed the message to me via whatsapp. He was even rude in passing it, didn't say "hi or "hello" ,he just started with "your dad said". I addressed d way he passed it, told me he was sorry, and I told him I will get back to him on d money issue, also told him I know things that needed to be done by me when and if I have the means, and clearly I once had d means and I was contributing then. I called my elder sister to confirm she got the same msg , and she told me that her
Husband said d message was wrong since our dad is still alive. I also discussed with my husband, and he said he understands and it's not a big deal when there is enough to go round, but right now we are still trying to stand right which is true cos all d burden of our family is still on him.. He also has ppl he renders financial help to (family, friends, strangers), and he does for my family too when need arises. He has also given my parents money not once not twice.....


Well, hubby called my dad today to greet him only for my dad to address the issue of my younger brother. He told my hubby he and my mum trained us academically so that we can pay back when we start working, said its my husband's responsibility to send money to my younger brother since I am not working and married.

Haha, I was sad hearing ds because I don't understand how training of one's children academically equals financial payback, and how my family's responsibilities becomes my husband's cos he I am married to him.

I forgot to mention that my mum invited my hubby about 3 weeks ago to address issue of us not giving her money regularly and me not working yet. She told my husband that they all know we are comfortable, Shoo, these ppl don't even know how we live, they believe we are doing extremely fine cos we've Neva asked for loan or help. My mum just retired from a government job last year, she's doing okay and dad still works too, also doing okay.

Please, how do I go about this? How do I make them see its not mandatory, but voluntarily (my brother's finances)? Or am I being wrong, is it their right?

I apologize for the long post,please.

Awaiting responses....

Do not send money to anyone.You are being manipulated with guilt.Your brother should get a job and show he can take care of himself.You both are from the same parents.If your parents cannot take care of their business why should they heap Everything on you.You can only help when you have built your own home,otherwise you will remain stagnant for a long time.

Here are the facts;

It is not your responsibility or your hubby's to take care of your younger brother.

It is your parents responsibility (not anyone else's) to take care of you and your siblings without enforcing a return on investment.

If they had failed to take care of you while you were young, they could have been arrested or deprived the joy of parenthood, assuming the country you live in has a sane and responsible government. So you see, taking care of you is no favour, but a RESPONSIBILITY and a DEMAND that could lead to detention if done wrongly.

It is absolutely the prerogative of your husband to extend a helping hand to your family whenever and however he so pleases without pressures or threats from anyone.

The above are the basic rules you need to enforce in YOUR home.

Can you convince your parents? I strongly doubt the possibility of changing their mindsets, but you can always channel your thoughts through your younger brother. If he's responsible enough to digest the message responsibly, he would do the convictions.

It's your responsibility.

Your Dad has raised 3 graduates. He should be at retirement stage now and might not have much strength to continue with your younger bro. This is the time he needs your help and that of your sisters.

It is your fault that you are not working not his. He paid your school fees in full. He deserves that you get a job and help him out now that his strength is failing him.

If your father trained three graduates, he can easily train one more.


Since you girls are three, meet and discuss this issue. You all should agree on what you can give monthly or quarterly to your brother without collecting a dime from your husbands, he has less than two years left.


The three girls should have a meeting with your parents, telling them what you can afford.


Your brother should be taught how to start making money from school instead of waiting for graduation.

Asowari:
I do not even understand u self, u married Dec2017 and now u have a child already, well that is not my consign how old is ur brother.

Do u read @all?....she said she got married Dec 2016 and not 2017