NOTE: All quoted references taken from the S.A. Embassy  Bible (Nigerian edition, amplified version). Copyright reserved, "M." 2010.

Chapter 11:12: The Kingdom of S.A. suffereth violence, and the violent taketh it by force (both at home and abroad)

Chapter 5:7: It’s easier to go to heaven (or hell) than to get a S.A. visa in Nigeria.

Chapter 2:11: There are many ways to die, but only one way to get the S.A. Visa.

Chapter 4:17: The streets of S.A. are not paved with gold, but (come night) with Nigerians selling rice out of wheelbarrows.

[table]
[tr]
[td]What[/td]
[td]HEAVEN[/td]
[td]S.A. EMBASSY[/td]
[/tr]
[tr][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][/tr]
[tr]
[td]Who is God?[/td]
[td]
The I AM THAT I AM, the maker of heaven and earth,
the one who is able to destroy both the body and soul,
the . . .  you get the idea[/td]
[td]"M." is god. If you don’t understand this, then you don’t
deserve an S.A. Visa[/td]
[/tr]
[tr][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][/tr]
[tr]
[td]Equality[/td]
[td]
This side of heaven, we are all equal before God.
We are all bloody sinners.[/td]
[td]
Not found in the S.A. bible. If you are in Government, your
chances are almost 100%. Everybody else starts with zero
chances. If you are female, your chances just improved.
If you are female, small and petite, why, add another notch.
If you are the average male, bleep off, we don’t want your
likes in S.A.![/td]
[/tr]
[tr][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][/tr]
[tr]
[td]Equality (again!)[/td]
[td]See above[/td]
[td]
If you are still here, you must be the average unconnected male.
It matters little that you have brought all the documentation we
asked for. We can always invent extra ones we know you don’t have
at any time. Repeat with me "I am a poor man,  I need to go home
now. I should learn not to waste the time of my betters. I have
no chance in hell of getting a visa"[/td]
[/tr]
[tr][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][/tr]
[tr]
[td]Equality (not again!)[/td]
[td]Man A = Man B = Woman B = Woman A[/td]
[td]
If you are an S.A. citizen, come in through the side door where
we will fete you and fawn on you. We may give you a little
consideration by letting you in first if you are advanced but
once in, you are O.Y.O! Otherwise, "who are you?"[/td]
[/tr]
[tr][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][/tr]
[tr]
[td]Who mans the gate[/td]
[td]One of the apostles – don’t bother trying to
talk your way in[/td]
[td]"M.". Followed by the local MOPO[/td]
[/tr]
[tr][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][/tr]
[tr]
[td]What’s the cost of admission[/td]
[td]Free. Just believe.[/td]
[td]
N5000 if you are male and not violent. N10000 if you want to get
in at the gates early and jump ahead on the queue inside[/td]
[/tr]
[tr][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][/tr]
[tr]
[td]Any other hidden costs[/td]
[td]Free. Just believe. Actually, it’s unbelief that is costly[/td]
[td]
Diamond Bank will charge you 1,500 for a card you don’t need on a
visa fees of 8,600 for a visa you are not likely to get for a trip
you may not make (if you don’t get the visa).[/td]
[/tr]
[tr][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][/tr]
[tr]
[td]The Gates![/td]
[td]Broad is the road  . .  .  and narrow is the way . . . [/td]
[td]
At last one thing in common! Narrow is the way and guarded by
baton-wielding MOPO and 10-feet high spear topped fences[/td]
[/tr]
[tr][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][/tr]
[tr]
[td]How high the gates[/td]
[td]Don’t even think about it[/td]
[td]10 feet. But after you scale it, the MOPOs are waiting to break your head[/td]
[/tr]
[tr][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][/tr]
[tr]
[td]The Exam[/td]
[td]Believe and accept. The book will reveal all![/td]
[td]
We shall examine you when we please and set the questions and marks
as we go.[/td]
[/tr]
[tr][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][/tr]
[tr]
[td]Who are you?[/td]
[td]
All are equal before God. If you don’t believe, please go
to the "other" place[/td]
[td]
Civil servants, women and rich men please enter. All others, please
try heaven. Your chances are better there.[/td]
[/tr]
[tr][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][/tr]
[tr]
[td]When are we open for business?[/td]
[td]Heaven is open 24/7 until the rapture.[/td]
[td]
be intimate with that shyte. Regular times are for people like you
who are not in control of their lives. We do whatever we want whenever!
Whatever! Anything that makes us happy.[/td]
[/tr]
[tr][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][/tr]
[tr]
[td]If a star, which film[/td]
[td]Blasphemy! No comment[/td]
[td]
"M." in the music video of Smooth Criminal dressed like
MJ. As Don Vito Corleone (The Godfather) in his wet dreams[/td]
[/tr]
[tr][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][/tr]
[tr]
[td]Lunch with the devil or with , [/td]
[td]God of cos![/td]
[td]
the devil of cos! You know his only goal is to damn you
to hell so you come prepared accordingly. With "M." anything goes[/td]
[/tr]
[tr][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][/tr]
[tr]
[td]Spend the night in the same house , [/td]
[td]with God. What could be better!
Eleti gbaroye[/td]
[td]
Bring as many weapons as you can sneak in. Sleep? Which
sleep? If you blink, well ,  [/td]
[/tr]
[tr][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][/tr]
[tr]
[td]Whom to worship[/td]
[td]Worship God on earth like they do in heaven[/td]
[td]Worship God at the embassy until "M." starts his cult,
after which many will follow him for the sake of visa[/td]
[/tr]
[tr][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][/tr]
[tr]
[td]Collection[/td]
[td]Not in heaven. Drop at your local church[/td]
[td]
Oh you mean visa collection. We gave you that date to
make you happy. When you appear to pick up your visa, we will
extend the date, then extend it some more, and then some more
until we get round to reviewing your application. Don’t take
the delays as a positive thing. Lower your expectations and
you will not be disappointed. When we have filled our quota,
we have filled our quota.[/td]
[/tr]
[tr][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][/tr]
[tr]
[td]But I am desperate![/td]
[td]You are headed in the right direction, keep going[/td]
[td]
If you are desperate, chances are you are poor and
unconnected – try heaven[/td]
[/tr]
[tr][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][/tr]
[tr]
[td]Impersonation[/td]
[td]And the angels L.O.L and R.O.T.F.L.[/td]
[td]
"What? The MOPO broke your head as you struggled to gain entrance?
I, the inimitable M therefore declare that judging from your
swollen head and bloody appearance, the picture on this form is
not yours. Security!"[/td]
[/tr]
[tr][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][/tr]
[tr]
[td]If you don’t make it[/td]
[td]
God knows the time. If you don’t make it into heaven
it’s your fault[/td]
[td]
M. doesn’t know the time, he decides as the "spirit"
moves him day-by-day. And it may not be the time advertised
by the embassy.[/td]
[/tr]
[tr][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][/tr]
[tr]
[td]Ridicule[/td]
[td]"We" don’t do that here[/td]
[td]
"Gentleman, what’s the name of this application form you
are submitting? Wrong answer, please go. Next!"
[/td]
[/tr]
[tr][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][/tr]
[tr]
[td]Ridicule (again!)[/td]
[td]
We either lay out the red carpet for you or we send you
to the other place – we don’t do that here.[/td]
[td]
"Yes, you are not dressed properly. Can you please leave
now."
"But sir, , "
"Please leave now. Security!"[/td]
[/tr]
[tr][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][/tr]
[tr]
[td]Visa validity[/td]
[td]Permanent Single-Entry[/td]
[td]
3-month Single/Multiple Entry.
"You want one year? Aaeeiishhh! Not possible"[/td]
[/tr]
[tr][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][/tr]
[tr]
[td]Last words[/td]
[td]This world is not my home, I am just passing through , [/td]
[td]
What are these people still doing here? Security,
please send all these people out. We have closed for the day.
Don’t let the fact that office hours is 10am to 2pm confuse you.
We may choose to open at 12 noon or not at all, but we will
still close on time. Come next week.
[/td]
[/tr]
[tr][td]

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[/td][td]

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[/td][/tr]
[tr]
[td]
Last words (again!)
[/td]
[td]
No need to hustle! Heaven can wait. It’s the final
destination (for some people)
[/td]
[td]
Is it by force you must go to S.A.? (Comment by one of
the Nigerian S.A. embassy staff – jealous naughty person!)
[/td]
[/tr]
[/table]

. . .  which is why I had rather got to heaven.


May 20, 2010

Well, if our Government and Leaders take the bull by the horn and develop Nigeria, who will remember an apartheid ridden country.

@Poster

Nice one here.

I also wrote somfin about S.A embassy last Tuesday when
i returned from there. The place is worse. I av never seen
any embassy like that. I am still nursing the pains
i got there

SHALOM

What's the biggie bout SA anyway? i am billed to attend a 2 week course there in August and frankly am apprehensive. They dont like us and it shows. abeg make them deny me the visa sef( if them fit) and i could be lucky enough to get another course in Europe.