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Please I Need Honest Criticism On This Story(anya) by Viserion: 5:31pm On Aug 10, 2018 |
this is the story please read and give criticism where necessary. Here is a preview of the Story.... .....ANYA CHAPTER 1 (Against all odds) The luminous celestial body had lost its intense heat and was slowly retreating behind the distant mountains, leaving a gentle breeze that caused palm trees to sway. Men and their sons once armed with implements as at sunrise, marching with gaiety towards their means of livelihood could be seen in their rags slowly returning to their various homes with souvenirs of fruits, raw foods, bush meats or pieces of woods from felled trees. The hullabaloo at the market square had withered and diffused further into the rest of the village, with groups of at least 2 women with babies clung to their back and loads of commodities on their heads discussing on virtually every topic that presents itself as they retired to their abode. At this moment, the ecstasy from children playing reached its peak till the sight of approaching parents restored normalcy and paved way for a peaceful evening, void of virtually every activities obtainable earlier on. Soon the call for prayers, Ikota was now practically deserted, pestles were busy making a mold of cassava in almost every compound, all thanks to Mothers and Daughters whereas men mostly in flowing gowns and caps, holding chaplets trooped to prayer places closest to their houses for the Sunset prayers, it was a typical evening in Ikota save for three villagers who didn't quite fall in place. Mallam Aminu and Osas stood facing each other, combat ready. Abu had taken refuge behind his father who had brought out his cutlass and was being very cautious attacking this total stranger, a younger Osas, unarmed and quick in movement. The item in contention was a haunted squirrel Osas had wounded and trailed only to discover that Abu had caught it. Osas had been furious upon discovering that Abu was admiring the squirrel he had wounded, he had wondered why the trail was lost. He demanded for the animal with a gesture of his hand due to difference in languages, Abu declined with a scowl and got pounced within the twinkle of an eye. Osas didn't waste time arguing with Abu as he made a quick dash for Abu's waist, lifted him and slammed his opponent on the grass, sitting on his belly and pinning both hands of his opponent with his knees. Abu flung his legs aimlessly to the air, shouted "Baba! Baba!!" and lost the Animal very easily. Mallam Aminu who was packing his implements and some tubers of cassava that had been harvested, heard his son scream. Alarmed, he dropped every other thing and picked his cutlass then quickly head towards the direction of the voice. Initially, it felt like separating two children fighting so he hoisted his cutlass, but when he tried to touch Osas and witnessed an unbelievable movement that brought Osas behind him Page 1 of 40 ANYA and he on top of his son, he knew this was game on. Osas didn't run for fear of being pursued, he knew his sense of sight would fail him in a run, he was hoping Father and son would give up and scram so he resolved to cause enough jitters to compliment the late hour, his dreadful sight and the quiet bushes around the farms. Unfortunately for Osas, men are factory fitted with pride, especially before those who seek favors from them, worse still his spouse or child, Mallam Aminu unexpectedly damned every consequence and drew the first blood. Osas's mind began to work very quickly, he wished they would understand his language when he prove the animal belonged to him, on the other hand, he was a stranger in the land of Ikota, what chances would he have? Giving the animal away wouldn't be an option as well for he had spent 6 days in the bushes at Ikota, feeding on fruits and water from the stream, his empty tummy really needed something solid this moment. A thought struck his mind, darkness was gradually descending, he would put on an act till then, he smiled afterwards, he hadn't spent days in the bushes for nothing, he had a plan, unfortunately, his opponent had a plan too. Mallam Aminu made a sudden mad rush at Osas, thrusting his cutlass, Osas focused on the encroaching cutlass, trying to duck and didn't know when he was swept off his feet, he landed in a heavy thud on his back and received a huge blow with his face. In an attempt to get up, the blunt end of the cutlass targeted all the major joints of Osas's frame and temporarily crippled him, Mallam Aminu wasn't prepared for another show down for it was dark already. Abu snatched the Animal from a groaning Osas in a sneer and returned to his father who was taking dust off his body while engaged in another battle of whether or not to leave this young chap who might be of the same age with his 14 years old Abu in the bush. He thought of the cassava he intend to carry, the pieces of wood Abu would carry, then the dinner of fufu and vegetable soup that awaited him if only they could arrive home with these items and concluded that the mysterious skinny young chap, very light in complexion with dark parches all over, who dared threw him to the ground, wasn't worth his concern, "Kai! Mu tapi gida" he said to his son. Jumai was putting in a whole lot of efforts to have control over herself, she was fidgeting, pacing about the compound and faked a smile when Aisha checked up on her. She was fighting the temptation of asking the neighbors of her husband's whereabout or sharing her feelings with any of the neighbor's wife for her husband completely frowned at this. She had asked her last son who was patiently waiting for his elder brother to go pray the last prayer for the day alone and made sure he returned immediately the prayers was over, she warned him to be the first to arrive home if he didn't want to be spanked, not because of his safety, but she wanted to be sure Abubakar her first child, who goes to farm with the Dad in the morning wasn't at the Mosque too before she activated panic mode. Aisha came out again, this time with a burning lamp and offered to her Mum since she had refused to come inside the hut Page 2 of 40 ANYA and it was very unlike a woman from Ikota to be outside the home at this time of the day, people would wonder why her husband or father would allow that and this rare news could trend in the market square the next day. Aisha was about returning with the lamp when Usman returned to the compound panting, both women's heart skipped beats as they yelled together "mai ne ne?" Abu halted abruptly and was bewildered too, "Ba komai" he replied. The Mum suddenly frowned upon realization that he was probably heeding to her warning whereas Aisha asked him to get inside in annoyance, the fact that he returned alone prove neither Abubakar nor his father prayed at the Mosque, this was the limit for Jumai. She went into her hut and was out in no time, "Don't answer anyone that comes knocking" she said to Aisha in Hausa as she set out on a quest to ascertain the whereabout of her Husband and Son, she wore a Hijab and carried along an unlit lamp and matchbox then headed towards the mountainous bushes of Ikota, she would light the lamp when she passed Baba Sagir's compound for she was certain no one in the other houses close to the farm after this house would recognize her. She had barely gone far when she saw a silhouette of her husband and son against the dimming light of the moon returning vie the bush path, she felt a blanket of warmth in relief and a thought of running back home before her husband saw her crossed her mind but she dismissed this with a blush. She lit her lamp to reveal her identity so as not to startle them and said "ALHAMDULILLAH!" Lifting her free hand in praise. She relieved Mallam Aminu off his load and asked why they had returned late, she got a sketchy gist of what happened and was shocked upon realizing that they had left the boy there. She was disappointed at her husband and insisted that they go back and fetch him, she couldn't imagine a child helplessly lying in the dark bush at the moment, miraculously, her husband didn't relent, he still felt guilty after all so they searched around for anything they could use to tie him up, with a lit lamp, they returned to the bush, heading towards the exact spot they had left Osas. He slapped his legs again with the little strength left as insects tormented his skin, he had tried to get up to locate his make shift shelter further in the bush to no avail, his legs just wobbled under him so he always ended up in a sitting position. He felt weak, tired, hungry and sick, he had only a vague idea about death but often wondered how long unpleasant situations lasts. He wasn't a stranger to woes, the only difference was the fact he couldn't move his limbs, this irritated him and made him feel helpless. Another insect buzz pass his ear, he closed his eyes and waited for the next sting, he wasn't disappointed, in exasperation he laid on his right arm on the grass that was going moist from the evening dew and forced his mind away from the insect attack. His mind drifted into oblivion, a voice sounded from a hut where a man and woman knelt down tending their little daughter who had been struck with a strange disease, chicken pox. Page 3 of 40 |
Re: Please I Need Honest Criticism On This Story(anya) by meobizy(f): 4:26pm On Aug 11, 2018 |
Wow. Nothing? I trust this forum to disappoint. I'll read it and post a review before the day runs out. [UPDATE] I read it. The story was nice. The only innocuous problems were the use of present tenses where the sentence showed the event was already past and a few typos here and there. In its form it makes for good nairaland reading. I enjoyed every bit of it. If you're not a writer you're on a good way to becoming one unless someone wants to tell me writing is an easy skill to pick up. 1 Like |
Re: Please I Need Honest Criticism On This Story(anya) by frostland(m): 11:45pm On Aug 11, 2018 |
Am loving this story already pls keep the good work going |
Re: Please I Need Honest Criticism On This Story(anya) by Viserion: 10:25am On Aug 14, 2018 |
meobizy:thanks for that. I can send you the rest, to get a full review. |
Re: Please I Need Honest Criticism On This Story(anya) by Sewasaunt(f): 11:51am On Aug 14, 2018 |
Good work op. You asked for criticisms, which I think is cool and you/we are all learning, so here goes. 1. Your tenses, someone already mentioned it. Past and present are mixed in a few sentences. I am sure they were mistakes you failed to note while editing and it shows the importance of reading through completed works repeatedly. 2. Parches? Always check the spelling of words in a dictionary if you are unsure, even for common words. 3. In the beginning you tried with your sentences but as you wrote on, long sentences crept in and they can bore your reader. When you become a successful and established writer you can bend writing rules however you deem fit but for now it won't hurt to read about the basics of fiction writing. Good work, really. |
Re: Please I Need Honest Criticism On This Story(anya) by meobizy(f): 4:35am On Aug 19, 2018 |
Viserion:You'll have to give me five full days to complete it then. |
Re: Please I Need Honest Criticism On This Story(anya) by Sonamjs: 4:04pm On Aug 19, 2018 |
Well done for actually putting something out there for people to critique. Depending on your reasons for doing this, check your tenses. The formatting needs to be looked at as well. I.e spacing of sentences. I know a poster noted that no one commented on this topic The literature section does not get a lot of traffic, however it's a good place to pick up good skills. In this age of limited attention spans, you need to pay a lot of attention to format and spelling to compel people to read your stuff. Don't give up though, keep on writing |
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