"Koko, which church do you attend? Are you a Catholic or an Anglican? She asks.

Are Catholic and Anglican the only church denomination in the world? I answer back a question with a question, the typical Nigerian way.

"Not really, but it's very rare to see anyone who isn't any of the two in this Town."

"Well, sorry to burst your bubbles. I attend winners" I answer her, gearing up for her next reaction.

"Oh! Ndi penticomcom. Church ndi arurana. The Church where girls wear trousers to sermon and leave their heads uncovered"

It was kind of funny to me because Amaka right here was putting on some pretty tight leggings with VPL (visible panty lines). Wasn't it hilarious that people go to church wearing skirts or probably gowns, but come back home and switch to their trousers? If God didn't want something, I thought he didn't want it at all.

"Oh I see... Well, I just heard on TV that a certain priest was found guilty of molesting several young boys. I was at a party last week and saw a group of young men dressed in white overalls helping themselves to lager. Lest I forget, my sister in this seminary school has been complaining of a certain sister who comes at night to check if the girls are wearing underwears". I quickly fire some shots.

" What about ndi penticomcom? Just recently, we saw a pastor who claimed to have survived 35 bullets, including some on his ass. Which church goes about asking people for specific sums to donate unto the Lord? Who are known to give fake prophesies?" She fires back quickly.

"Oh, you agree that at least you people are guilty of something, right? Then why make it as if the Penticostals are the only bad people we have in the church? Everyone is guilty in one way or the other."

We reach where we were to have our afternoon meal. I order for my usual beans, she orders for rice.

"Well, the church isn't what is meant to be again. But most of those horrible news about the church usually comes from the so called pastors."

"That's a big lie, there are a thousand and one horrible things that the Reverends, Sisters, Nuns, Bishop and even the pope are guilty of. But the only difference is that what happens in the Catholic Church, remains in the Catholic Church. It doesn't get out."

"Madam this your food is taking time. Please get me purewater, let me be drinking." She motions to the woman selling food.

"Like I was saying....." The woman brings the water.

"Madam, you don't have Aqua Rapha pure water?"

"Ha nne, that one has finished and the people distributing haven't been here in a while"

"Don't worry madam, I don't drink any water asides Aqua Rapha."

Madam turns to go.

"You're kidding me aren't you? You don't drink any water asides Aqua Rapha?"

"No, I don't. Drinking Aqua Rapha cleanses you of all your unholiness. It's more like going for an evening confession"

"I see... Well, it's been long I drank yoghurt. Madam do you have Nosco yoghurt?" I ask the woman selling my beans.

"Yes, oga we have."

"Bring one for me, please. Let me replenish lost nutrients, it's been a long tiring week"

"Haba, Koko wouldn't you buy for me?"

"Sorry, forgive my manners. Madam, please bring Aqua Rapha yogurt for her. She doesn't take anything asides Aqua Rapha"

"Oga, Aqua Rapha yoghurt done finish ooo."

"But Koko, I can manage Nosco"

"No, you need Aqua Rapha to cleanse away your hypocrisy"

Just then, two of her friends join us on our table. One of the girls, Nneoma happens to be a Catholic too. Thinking of it now, the best two doggies of my life were with staunch Catholics. One kept screaming "Haba Father" and the other kept beckoning on Mary to save her from my thrusts.

Finally, in this life, we all are sinners.....

"Oga, here's your food".

"Thank you, madam" I open my yoghurt, dish out a spoonful of beans and eat in silence....

©Kosi Ugo

Bros. I no understand

A made up story by irreligious people.