1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is: no pain, no pain.
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
5. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
6. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
7. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
8. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are okay, then it must be you.
9. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
10. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

That was really funny.
Nice one.