Chokolated Thursday 02


When girls go about shouting " menaskum" I always have a reason to relate with them.


I always try to fight the generalization but truly some men are skum� 


How do you see somebody on the road and you start professing love sharp.

Awon I love you die .

Aworo I have been seeing you in my dreams .

Ate you are the cockroach in my cupboard.


Well men that sing litany of love on the first day of meeting someone are half skum� 

It is the gays that start shooting shots and try to impose their sexuality down somebody's throat are skum . Tueh!


Those ones are big skum , especially those rich Igbo ones that their Igbo accent is doing survival of the fittest with English language� those ones nah skum skum skum .? Skum!


That is how one day I met one at bedwell.

Nah so the man dey chop Igbo for phone with whoever is chidiebere ��


I kukuma pass minding my business, chewing my gum like Esmeral and thinking about the next girl I go collect joy from.��


Nah so person stop me oo .

I turn , it's the same Igbo man that was on Call


Oh oga good evening" . I greeted .

Ma blother good evening , awa yiu " he replied with thick Onitsha tongue laikdis, ndi e-ru na a-lu, I was actually talking about "L" and "R".


" I am fine sir " I replied. 

" Purease I'm rooking for Nelson mandera" . He asked 


I tried so much to hold my laughter �

I could see him struggling to speak this English , i could just speak Igbo and ease it for him but no oo , let me enjoy this first .


" Sir , see Nelson Mandela there ".. I said pointing at Nelson Mandela.


"Where are you going to ?"   He asked .


" Target by Nelson Mandela", this is exactly where I tell strangers anytime , maka adi Ama ama Onitsha Na agwa obosi.


" Ohh that's exactly the place, enter car let me carry you then" . He said smiling, you know this smile wey we dey smile when we dey chyke fine girl and she dey reply ��


My left Corinthians remind me " guy nah free ride so oo , to trek never tire you ?"�

My real sense remind me " na Anambra man be this o "��.

That was when the need to speak Igbo arised.


" Okay sir , nsogbu adiro (no problem)"  . I replied.


" Ibudi nwannem nwoke" the man smiled .

(You are even my brother).


Brothers and sisters I felt relaxed , oyanu show me your car  let's be going.


My guy man led me to a "motor" instead of a "car" , but in as much as nah 4 legs , nsogbu adiro , k'anyi jebe eje , let's be going .


We entered the car, uncle was smiling sheepishly. No! He was smiling goatly!

Whatever you can call it but not sheepishly, sheeps are innocent looking !


After a 130 seconds of magna silencia , uncle cleared throat .

In Igbo land , we clear throats when we want to make donations but  Just like Peter obi cleared throat and later still disappointed mbaka? Gbam! 


He cleared throat and said " shey you know you that you are handsome?, Imaka , feli hanssom " .


Chileke! Isi gini? Mua nka .

I calm down , remove two pills of self respect and swallow , drink one glass of patience .


" Thank you sir " I replied.


" Do you have a girlfriend?" He asked . 


"Yes sir ". I replied .


" I want to date you , you will not leave your girlfriend o , but we can still date ".. the man said again smiling .


" Oga isi Gini?, What did you say? I no here ".. I acted deaf. There are things you here and you just want to unhear them. 


My guy man repeated it .

I smile , as per civilised Nigerian, as per somebody who understands.


"Sir , I am actually sorry , I'm heterosexual, I am not transexual or bisexual neither am I gay , so this offer is actually meaningless to me . Just respect my sexuality" .. I said in the most polite way I can say it .


Just then we have started approaching my destination, I have started thanking God , e remain small I for sing halleujah inside the car .


" It's not like I will have sex with you oo , see you have ass , you have a nice laps , you have nice legs, iwere ukwu , I will just hold them and masturbate till I cum ".. the man replied .


Brothers and sisters otito diri jeso!

Praise the Lord !

Just look at typical " I will put just the head " ���


I was just laughing, isn't it funny ? , We reached where I will stop , I told him to stop me . He stopped . He was still talking I kukuma opened the door , remove one leg and kept outside . Just incase . Yes! Just in case .


He continued.

" I will take care of you , I will be giving you money" .


You see where menaskum� ?

You are chyking somebody and you are promising money already, all this foolish Igbo old men just think money begets Beatrice ��


" Are you schooling? " He asked.


" Yes sir " i replied.


"You see ,  I will be helping you with school too , if you need money , you will just call me and I will give you , do you need money for any school stuff currently? " He asked .

Laye eh ! In kiss Daniel's voice ���


I role eyes , I look up � , I laugh , I want to ignore , my Igbo blood say no!, That man is talking about money ! Yes! Yes!


" Yes sir , 20k to buy koctzeatvv ". I replied��


"Oya give me your number " he brought out pen and paper . oshey! But wait wetin do account number .�


I check paper , I see boys names and numbers , Chidera you are going to be side chick number 5 !, Chidera is the money worth it ? Igbo blood say yes ! I agree, even number 30 . We die there ��


I write my name and number .

" I will call you tomorrow" the man said.��


"Nsogbu adiro sir ". I replied smiling.��


"Do you wear pants ?" He asked again .���


Olorun! Chidera ji masun! , This man asked me this question? Like seriously? Wetin do boxers fa ? This man no Sabi wetin be heterosexual but for the sake of 20k . Make we cool down fess collect the money . We go lecture am later .������


I looked his hand , I see wedding ring , I became disappointed.����


" No sir " I replied reluctantly and in a Moody way .��


" This one you are acting like this , are you hungry ?" He asked .��


" Yes , I need to go and eat " I replied, trying to use it as an escape. ��


" Oya let's drive to crunches , I will get you food ,.then we drive to unical main gate , I want to see Someone, then from there I will show you my house" .. the man replied .��

As Jay Jay wey I be nah , olodo number 1�


I was tired of hearing nonsense fa!, My Igbo sense remind me. No subscribe to this lie oo , if you follow am go , you no go like this night  , collect money for hand first , fifty naira at hand is better than 20k at anywhere odikwa.����


" Sir don't waste your money, just give me 300 , the food they sell there is better more fulfilling than crunches , nah quantity first before quality " . I replied . As good chick wey I be.���


" So you will not see my house ?".. he asked .��

Shey the house nah TV�


" I want to see your house , I really want to , okay give me the three hundred, you go to unical and see the person then before you are back , I will be done , I might sleep over then " I whine am .���


" It's better that way then " 


This man find three hundred give me , not even five hundred so that I will keep the change , one dirty 200 and one dirty 100 naira . Uwa !!����


I step down , go chybike place eat better food���

The man no fit waste my time for free.

What nonsense!

I can not be used in this life !

Know your house , shey nah museum ����

Me wey dem use toto swear for��


©Oracle