The reason for this topic was a conversation i was having with one of my female managers yesterday,I just got back from maternity leave a couple of weeks ago and we met on the train and were just having a chat about how i was finding work and the home routine.She has three kids and is one of my top managers,so she would know alot about juggling both worlds.She did say that she had to sacrifice alot in terms of a social life and also working meant that she did sometimes miss some stuff but all in all just advised me to find my own niche and eventually work out what rouitne would work out for me.

This topic is one that i battled with when i decided to go back to semi full time(this means i still work fulltime hrs but i am on flexi time ie get in diff times but still do my obligatory 30 hrs)used to work 37.5 hrs prior to maternity leave.I am someone who is very career oriented( you definitley have no option when you come from a family like mine) and i grew up with my mum working and travelling the world as part of her career.It really had no negative effect on us as we she had a very large support network and was always there when it mattered.She had both parents,her own grandmother(for about 10 yrs of my life),grand aunties,aunties,uncles,brothers,we had so many grandmas,we had granny surulere,granny illupeju,granny fadeyi,granny lagos in short she had a very laaaaaaaarge support network.My parents really put in us (my sis and i) the idea that because we were girls did not mean we could not have it all, families,high flying careers,everything.

But alas,fast forward and here i am living in the Uk where its basically a DIY society.I have little or no support network and my own mom is not like all those 'grannys' that she had, she is retired now but is still in active business and there is a limit to time which she can leave the running of her business back home to come and help me babysit here in the Uk.I am blessed to have found a fantastic child minder who really is a God send and i am so grateful to God that she had a space for my daughter.I have an hubby who is quite hands on as dad(though sometimes his help is more of burden sometimes with his help,his diaper changing na waya )anyways i am begginning to work a routine that works but wao is it hard.Let me just give you my lowdown this morning,we have a rota of who drops and picks dependent on what time you get off and get in to work so today i drop and he picks.I had my bath,put on the kettle,washed the bottles and sterilised them,did a little cleaning(i knowthat one is not compulsory but i have bit of OCD about my house being neat and tidy),woke the lil one up,bathed her,fed her,got her bag for the minder ready and voila the accident everyone dreads chose this morn of all mornings to happen,her nappy got soiled and seeped into all her clothes,it even stained mine sef.and i have an internal interview today so it was a good suit,My head went 'O God pls not this morning'.To cut a long story short,had to change her,rinse the clothes,and then decide on what to wear as my other suits are at the drycleaners.I missed my train and got to work huffing and puffing,without my usual make up on the train cos after being awake for like 3 hours working i was not in the mood to even make up,i even forgot to wear perfume(i never forget to wear perfume )

This morning i thought to myself,kini gbogbo wahala yii gan?translated to what is all this wahala sef.Guess in life you make lemonades out the lemons life throws you,so this leads to the question of the topic,can a mother have it all?Pls i did not say a woman,cos a woman can indeed have it all,but as a mother especially in this era of fast paced living,is it possible to combine it all, being there for your kids, a highflying career,a thriving social life,time to fulfil religious and family obligations( i have like two church meetings this weekend as well as a long owed visit to a family memebr who is going back to nigeria on monday as well as a friends daughter's brithday party as well as baby shower on sunday afternoon ) and all the rest of the baggage that comes with being nigerian .And I mean be good at it all(every single one of them).I know its all by God's grace but i would appreciate contirbutions from all those who have been there and done that.And i dont mean those who have two nannies and 1 cook .

My dear that is the reality of life in the west but it does get better. These were my worries a few years ago but somehow I have started figuring out how to handle it. I knew I had to leave my job eventually so even though I worked my regular work week I was also trying to grow my business which was tough because it was basically bidding for contracts and hoping you will get it. I finally "got the liver" and left the job and my business is growing and so my licenses in finance do not expire I work with a company that lets me run thigns like it is my business and I don't have to show up every morning. I make as much as I work. it frees up time to run my main business and then do all these other things on the side. I think I am actually more busy now but my hours are more on my own terms. Of course lets not forget the husbands because mine is very hands on also. I was feeling so bad last saturday because I had been so busy all week and I was up on saturday before any of them woke up and I was trying to rush home before 12pm so I could at least fix lunch but I saw his car cut in front of me at the major intersection. He had the boys in the car and they were coming from mcdonald's . That meant I could go home and rest. It is crazy for real with no support but you figure it out as time goes on.
As for your question about if we can have it all. I think we can do as much as our men folks if we choose to. Of course when one is not supportive about certain things then you make it a point ot prove them wrong. With time they will learn not to underestimate you. I think you are doing a fine job and as you get older you will find that it gets more manageable

You can have it all but
burning the candle at both ends, you know what is the result- burn out syndrome, nervous break-down.
A few ears ago I had a list like yours but now I am allot smarter.
@ poster I never read in your program that you need time to rest.
One needs to recover from the stress and have time to just be there for the kids.
You can have it all but you need to know how much is too much.
We all went through this hardship in Europe.
I also raise my kids to be very independent. They go to school on their own and come back alone. They have their duties to do and have to take are of the younger ones. My kids start cooking at an early age and at age eight most of them can make a simple meal or salad.
The only thing i haven´t quite figured out is how to stop the fights and quarrel

@ outstrip,thanks for the encouragement i do believe that it will get better you sometimes one just gets overhwhelmed with it all,i am hoping it does get better and am currently looking to plan for the future by going into a line of work that would be more flexible.
@ mutter, i think you are quite spot on taking time out for oneself,i have seen some people who are quite close to me burn out due to mounting so much pressure on themselves,for someone like me i sometimes need pressure to push myself but i guess too much of anything is not good.I guess your position of making one's kids as self sufficient as possible is quite one to emulate but since i have got only one at the moment,thats for the future

There is also something i have made up my mind to do this weekend and that is to stop volunteering for so much.I find out that i take on so many things ie not necessarily work but things like family and church activities and because i hate people giving excuses and so i dont give them,i just stress myself so much in order to fulfil those obligations.So going forward, i would try to take on tasks that i think i would be able to accomplish properly and in due time. I have to help organise a womens conference in september and then someone sent me a text this morning wanting me to head a cell group and i am going to decline,i know the person will be miffed but really its better to decline now than take it on and be a useless,unorganised leader.

@ outstrip,thanks for the encouragement i do believe that it will get better you sometimes one just gets overhwhelmed with it all,i am hoping it does get better and am currently looking to plan for the future by going into  a line of work that would be more flexible.
@ mutter, i think you  are quite spot on taking time out for oneself,i have seen some people who are quite close to me burn out due to mounting so much pressure on themselves,for someone like me i sometimes need pressure to push myself but i guess too much of anything is not good.I guess your position of making one's kids as self sufficient as possible is quite one to emulate but since i have got only one at the moment,thats for the future

There is also something i have made up my mind to do this weekend and that is to stop volunteering for so much.I find out that i take on so many things ie not necessarily work but things like family and church activities and because i hate people giving excuses and so i dont give them,i just stress myself so much in order to fulfil those obligations.So going forward, i would try to take on tasks that i think i would be able to accomplish properly and in due time. I have to  help organise a womens conference in september and then someone sent me  a text this morning wanting me to head a cell group and i am going to decline,i know the person will be miffed but really its better to decline now than take it on and be  a useless,unorganised leader.

@ chaircover LOL at the one where you car being in the driveway does not mean you are in.I think i really have to adpot some of your tactics unfortunately we still live in a flat so i dont have the luxury of checking out visitors,probably should invest in CCTV LOL

Yes ,i guess i am being a u bit uptight as its the first one my husband always 'wa ko pa ara e' meaning you will just kill yourself.I guess as you grow older,what people think tends to bother you less.Yeah, i want to serve God and all,but am not making church activities(am not saying service is bad) make me sin.You know when you do things and grumble its really not done in love and you are just being religious.I know service requires sacrifice but i have read my bible to know that ones relationship and standing with God is the most important.It just annoys me sometimes when some chruch leaders stand some far and pass judgements,its all Good anyway,cos there are only human.I will just ask for Grace and Wisdom to enable me the best daughter,wife,mother and christian God wants me to be.

@ poster

I so feel you. I am very much in your shoes, a tigher fit i would say!


I just had my 2nd baby, who's 4 months now. My first is still a baby himself, been exactly 2 years, so you can imagine how full my hands are.

To top it up I work contracts, so dont have the luxury of maternity pay/ leave. When you are out you are out.

I had planned to take 3 months out as maternity and start searching for a job locally. Give myself 3 months to search, if no luck spurn my rod further away from home. Out of the blues, when my baby was just about 8 weeks,my last role came up & i got a call from my manager if i was interested. Kinda felt that was lucky me, as it was a local job, "the devil you know been better than the next you dont" and to top it up, negotiated a 25% increase in my daily rate!

So i took on the role and started 10 weeks post natal. My arguments in addition to the above was, in this tight periods of job cuts and expenses cut, there might be limited jobs around and there was no gaurantee that i would get a job locally. also Also, this was an opportunity tha happened for a reason; the gu the employed didnt like the role, they in return dont like him and i felt it was all the Lord's doing and he only just warmed my seat while i went to deliver

Now to answer you question, can mothers have it all, No, atleast not initially, but with time, they can have it all and more. It's all about finding a balance that works for you and letting a lot of stuffs give until you can handle them properly. This is a lesson i have learnt bitterly and very recently.

it looked good on paper, good job, right career direction, Plenty money (i most confess) and my sister is around from Nigeria for 4 months, so baby in good hands and the toddler at nursery 3 times a week to help develop his social skills and so my sister isnt burnt out. A very hands on husband, albeit in his time and at his pace!

But men was i stressed or what!!! For the 1st time in history i understood and believed something trully existed called stress, depression, anxiety etc. Normally i dont give these any face and believe they were imaginary things in the heads of claimed suffers. I nearly had a nervous break down, i was so stressed out! Trying to balance work, with family life, with extra projects here n there and to top it up request from pips wh still think you are the super woman of years gone past! Also myself taking on more than i could handle.

It took me breaking down two weeks ago during my sons birthday to realise

1.) I am not who i used be 5 years ago
2.) I am not Jesus, i cant save the world, i need to save myself first
3.) I had to learn to love and say the word NO
4.) I am my first and most important priority; I had to preserve myself for the sake of the kids.
5.) My kids are the most important in terms of feeding, wellbeing and overall well fare
6.) My husband can take care of himself and still do his bits!
7.) we need to have a stuctures routine in place; bed time, feed time, methods etc
8.) a little pamper goes a long way; holiday (booked), time away from the kids (movies, etc)
9.) Despite the fact that i want to look like a yummy mummy etc there is a time and place for everything. Make up, hair etc takes the back seat for now. Got my hair in dreadlocks, i only need to do a 1 hour tidy up monthly. not even a brush in the morning, saves loads of time u cant imagine.
10.) Cook only at the weekends, the micro wave is everyones best friend

tsmith:

@ poster

I so feel you. I am very much in your shoes, a tigher fit i would say!


I just had my 2nd baby, who's 4 months now. My first is still a baby himself, been exactly 2 years, so you can imagine how full my hands are.

To top it up I work contracts, so dont have the luxury of maternity pay/ leave. When you are out you are out.

I had planned to take 3 months out as maternity and start searching for a job locally. Give myself 3 months to search, if no luck spurn my rod further away from home. Out of the blues, when my baby was just about 8 weeks,my last role came up & i got a call from my manager if i was interested. Kinda felt that was lucky me, as it was a local job, "the devil you know been better than the next you dont" and to top it up, negotiated a 25% increase in my daily rate!

So i took on the role and started 10 weeks post natal. My arguments in addition to the above was, in this tight periods of job cuts and expenses cut, there might be limited jobs around and there was no gaurantee that i would get a job locally. also Also, this was an opportunity tha happened for a reason; the gu the employed didnt like the role, they in return dont like him and i felt it was all the Lord's doing and he only just warmed my seat while i went to deliver

Now to answer you question, can mothers have it all, No, atleast not initially, but with time, they can have it all and more. It's all about finding a balance that works for you and letting a lot of stuffs give until you can handle them properly. This is a lesson i have learnt bitterly and very recently.

it looked good on paper, good job, right career direction, Plenty money (i most confess) and my sister is around from Nigeria for 4 months, so baby in good hands and the toddler at nursery 3 times a week to help develop his social skills and so my sister isnt burnt out. A very hands on husband, albeit in his time and at his pace!

But men was i stressed or what!!! For the 1st time in history i understood and believed something trully existed called stress, depression, anxiety etc. Normally i dont give these any face and believe they were imaginary things in the heads of claimed suffers. I nearly had a nervous break down, i was so stressed out! Trying to balance work, with family life, with extra projects here n there and to top it up request from pips wh still think you are the super woman of years gone past! Also myself taking on more than i could handle.

It took me breaking down two weeks ago during my sons birthday to realise

1.) I am not who i used be 5 years ago
2.) I am not Jesus, i cant save the world, i need to save myself first
3.) I had to learn to love and say the word NO
4.) I am my first and most important priority; I had to preserve myself for the sake of the kids.
5.) My kids are the most important in terms of feeding, wellbeing and overall well fare
6.) My husband can take care of himself and still do his bits!
7.) we need to have a stuctures routine in place; bed time, feed time, methods etc
8.) a little pamper goes a long way; holiday (booked), time away from the kids (movies, etc)
9.) Despite the fact that i want to look like a yummy mummy etc there is a time and place for everything. Make up, hair etc takes the back seat for now. Got my hair in dreadlocks, i only need to do a 1 hour tidy up monthly. not even a brush in the morning, saves loads of time u cant imagine.
10.) Cook only at the weekends, the micro wave is everyones best friend

I so feel u on that one,its just that i feel dreads dont fit me ,the wahala to take out braids is so annoying and i dont even have time to stay for 6-7 hours making braids so my hair is at the moment a case,thinking of getting the thing cut a little bit shorter at the weekend(i have very long hair).As for make up,that one is on the train and the full monty is out and just for outings and church,work is lipgloss,mascara and compact powder(dont want people on the train to be looking at a me like a loony) .

it feels so good to know that I am not alone.
Being a mother is no easy job

Deep Soul:

Chineke meh! Every1 seems to be writing epistles in here!

Will come back and read after I born my first pikin
Watch this space

LOL


well, what can I say?
I am the first male respondent here 

I really followed each of the epistles and I can really feel what everyone goes through trying to be good mothers. My contribution here is from a man's angle. My wife works full time and we are not in the same city. We have 3 kids, 2 girls and 1 boy (7yrs, 5yrs and 3yrs). My wife travels every Monday and comes back Friday nights, leaving the kids with me alone. She is career minded and is following her professional path while I run my own business which gives me flexible hours to work and to take care of our kids.  My mum trained me and my siblings to be independent while we were much younger and this has given me an edge today.
I have been able to organize myself and my time that people hardly notice that my wife is not around during the week. The bottom line is that have a common goal and she will be back with the family shortly (in a matter of months) and by then, we would have been much more economically stable.
Like some have said here, you can't please everyone. I have had 'fights' with family members and friends who say that my wife has turned me to a 'nanny'. We know the goals we have set in life and we are working towards fulfilling them. As long as God backs our dreams and desires, we are ok.

I am an advocate of husbands and wives working together to achieve. That way, they can both have it all.

Your mother raised a good man. Well done.

Outstrip:

Your mother raised a good man. Well done.

Gotta agree.

Kisses for you coal-coal.

If he was not married I would steal him for my sister. Coal coal do you have a brother LOL

.

Outstrip:

Your mother raised a good man. Well done.

thanks. I always love your comments

stillwater:

Gotta agree.

Kisses for you coal-coal.

thanks again. I love your comments too.

Outstrip:

If he was not married I would steal him for my sister. Coal coal do you have a brother LOL

Thanks. I really appreciate you. the comments coming in keep me laughing. Yeah, I do have a younger brother and he is currently serving (youth service). I'll tell him someone is watching out for him , lol

hispinkolo:

coal coal,
God bless u,men like u are hard to come by.

thanks again. I'm really feeling good , lol

chaircover:

Ok another epistle;

Coal that is great. Very few men will do what you are doing but you cracked it when you said that you and your wife are working towards the same goals. You have foresight and you don't let your ego get into the way of reaching your family goals. Wish more people were like this.

I run a business in Nigeria and so more or less commute between here and Lagos, leaving the kids with hubby and in some ways he is better at looking after them than I am. I am the one with the short fuse. "You eat this or nothing brigade" but he negotiates with them & everyone is happy.

I know I sometimes go on about him like a love struck teenager but I know where I will be today if he had put on his "I am the man of the house cap & so I don't go into the kitchen or change nappies" hat.

Chaircover, thanks too. I have always 'secretly' looked forward to a time I will be 'exchanging' comments with you. I see you as a very mature woman with a good heart and I always love your comments. They are really insightful. Keep them coming.

@ all.

There is nothing as good as having a great family. I have realized over time that out there, there are many people who may be secretly admiring you and your family but they will not come out boldly to acknowledge that fact, especially the men who see themselves as the 'traditional type', always giving out the rules in the home, don't help the wife in domestic chores etc. , they'd rather sit down and watch tv or read the papers and leave the burden to the woman alone to bear. When they see a couple that is fairing well, generally doing things together, they don't seem to realize the inputs and the sacrifices that have to do done to achieve that.

I said the above to buttress the fact that a Mother really can't have it all if she does not get the full support of her husband.

I hope to write more epistles shortly. I'll steal some time from work to write.

chaircover:

Ok another epistle;

Coal that is great. Very few men will do what you are doing but you cracked it when you said that you and your wife are working towards the same goals. You have foresight and you don't let your ego get into the way of reaching your family goals. Wish more people were like this.

I run a business in Nigeria and so more or less commute between here and Lagos, leaving the kids with hubby and in some ways he is better at looking after them than I am. I am the one with the short fuse. "You eat this or nothing brigade" but he negotiates with them & everyone is happy.

I know I sometimes go on about him like a love struck teenager but I know where I will be today if he had put on his "I am the man of the house cap & so I don't go into the kitchen or change nappies" hat.

@Hispikolo please don't be afraid. Motherhood is something that we all just have to grapple with & God has surely blessed us women, the maternal instinct is naturally there for most women so we just get on with it.

Life will never be the same and once you understand that, then things are so much easier. No; you will not be able to spend 6 hours in the salon everyweek, neither can you do anything without thinking about the implications on your children, you even find that you don't drive as fast and as erratic as you used to etc but I tell you one secret; it is all worth it. Children are indeed a joy & a great great blessing. Even after a hard day, they unconsciously cheer you up

Last night my 7 year old daughter was trying to bribe one of us to buy her an Hannah Montana Wii game, so after asking us both and the didn't get the response that she was looking for. She went and got her big brothers guitar, sat on the bedroom floor and started playing the guitar (should I say creating a din) and singing (all off key) I love my mummy, she is the best mummy in the world, she has beautiful hair, she wears lovely clothes, she is beautiful etc etc etc of course after the second line or so, I said Yes she can have the game and she promptly put her guitar away & stopped singing . . . . such is life.

Financially it can be a strain, but nothing is permanent and as time goes on, things get better. When both my kids were in childcare, I only had £200 left from my wages after I had paid childcare costs; but we just cut our coat according to our material and now I marvel at how we coped in them days.

I must admit that in term of career, I finally gave in and eventually choose a career path that was less stressful. That was a personal decision however, I think that us women are in a way lucky in that we can to a certain degree choose what to do, while the men (the providers) have to put food on the table anyway how.

aww bless kids can be such a comic relief at times that you really need it.My lil one is just 11 months old but her antics never cease to amaze me and her father,she is so cheeky and has her dad wrapped around her fingers( and believe me she KNOWS).
@Coal you are a good man may God bless you and all those husbands(including mine) who see that helping their wives is indirectly helping yourself,the littlest thing that you do to make your wife's life easier will get so many rewards and a happier home.Take for instance yesterday,My husband got in before me and had helped me wash some soiled clothes that i had hastily abandoned in the morning cos i was the one dropping,the lil one had been bathed,changed and had had dinner and he had started boiling rice for our dinner.Lil things i do everyday but i felt a rush of affection for him taking the intiative to help me out and make life a lil easier for me.My brain had been in gear on hwo i would get home and just shift into the housekeeper mode and was so relieved that most if not all tasks had been taken care of.

damiso:


@Coal you are a good man may God bless you and all those husbands(including mine) who see that helping their wives is indirectly helping yourself,the littlest thing that you do to make your wife's life easier will get so many rewards and a happier home.

Damiso, God bless you too (and my wife) LOL
Thanks for starting this thread. The comments here have been really insightful.

Whenever my wife comes back on Friday nights, I usually pick her up at the park. On this fateful Friday evening, I was still busy working and could not pick her early. I asked her to get to another bus stop which was not too far from where I was so that I could pick her up from there. She had to wait for me for about 30 minutes before I showed up though. You won't believe this! She was mad at me for 2 reasons: one for not picking her up at the usual place, and 2, for showing up a bit late. I tried talking with her, apologized, but she seemed not interested in talking with me. She did not even give me the reason why she was angry with me till Sunday afternoon.
When we got home that night, I served her food and she did not eat. I just felt she was tired and exhausted from the journey. Before leaving her in the sitting room, I told her she is the best wife one could ever wish for and went to the bedroom to sleep since I was tired hoping she would come and join me only for me to discover later that she slept in another room through the night. I did not complain and felt that she just wanted to be alone.
On Sunday after service, when we got home, she came to me crying that she had not been a good wife. I was just wondering what she was talking about. She said she had a confession to make. I was just staring at her. She told me that while in church, she suddenly realized that she was overreacting and being childish over a very simple issue of not picking her up early. I was shocked. Apparently, there was this trending gist about a couple in church having problems in their marriage and were about filing for divorce. She said it suddenly dawned on her that she had a good home , bla bla bla ,
I was shocked because I did not even know she was angry with me. I've learnt one thing in life , to always look on the bright side of everything. I just thought she needed to be alone that night, or maybe wake up later to do something and did not want me to be disturbed. I did not even think that she was angry with me for not picking her up early.

I just want to say this to the mothers (wives) here , that please, do not take your husbands for granted. Always appreciate them and you'll find out that they'll go out of their way and do even more.

@ damiso,

Thanks for bringing up this topic and thanks to chaircover, coal-coal and others for your encouraging contributions.

I actually need this because being a mother and working with a home to look after is not a child's play at all. Ever since i had my daughter 10months⁺ now my life has changed.
Sometimes i just ask my self can't i just do what i would love to do? but the circumstances around boldly says NO WAY. Like now i wish i culd braid my hair but where in the world is the time 6-7hrs! (That would fetch me the long awaiting list of things to do).
Work is crying for your attention, U have a baby/children to care for, your home is yearning for you as well and all other social stuffs. The earliest time i sleep is 10pm that if i finish all i had to do on time and God bless my God sent husband who has always been so helpful with the baby and the house chores out of his busy schedule.
Sometimes after finishing my stuffs and finally want to settle to sleep thats when my daughter would suddenly wake up wanting to play (Clapping hands) and crawl the whole house. I would have to start strategizing to get her back to sleep infact i had composed songs by force in other to parcify her to sleep and this could take another 30 to 45mins.

This morning i woke up early as usuall to prepare for work and get my daughter ready for the daycare, before i knew it the time had gone. I had to quickly get my bag, and my daughters diaper bag and headed out, as i stepped out the rain started u can imagine, heavy rain just like that without any sign. As i sat inside the car to pull out then my skirt zip worn out and the baby too was crying. ( My husband travelled i missed him oh) I didnt just know what to do i was just "Not this time" i felt like cancelling work for dat day becos as at that time i was far beyond time, yet the rain was pouring heavily. i quickly summoned courage to go back to the house climbed the stairs and changed again. i didnt bother left my daugther in the car with the a/c on becos that was what i could do at that time, as i came back inside the rain ,my colleage called that the staff bus  was about to leave i knew had missed the bus. Gussssh! i managed to find my way to the daycare dropped my daughter at the daycare and had to drive down to the office. Which on a normal day i would just join the staff bus.
Getting to the office as usual task for the day already waitin for me on my desk!

Just like someone mentioned someone's life can never be the same again.

But recently have learnt to depend on God for wisdom and guidiance and also take things easy oh. God help us.