A blonde goes into the local auto parts store and asks for a seven ten cap.

All the guys look at each other and say, "What's a seven ten cap?"

She says, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."

"What kind of a car is it on?" they ask, thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she says it's a Buick. "Okay lady, how big is it?" She makes a circle with her hands about 3-1/2 inches in diameter. "What does it do?" they ask.

She says, "I don't know, but it has always been there."

One of the guys gives her a notepad and asks her if she could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3-1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710.

The guys behind the counter look at it upside down as she writes it, and they just fall down behind the counter laughing hysterically.

(Draw a circle, write 710 in the middle of it, and turn it around.)

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. Hmm, I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn't:

1. It's not fair, I do all the work while he just sits.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

LEVEL 1: It's 11pm on a weeknight, you've had a few beers.

Just as you get up to leave because you have to work the next day, one of your friends buys another round -- one of your *unemployed* friends. Here, at level one, you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, as long as I get seven hours of sleep, I'll be fine."

LEVEL 2: It's midnight. You've had a few more beers.

You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against the use of artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours of sleep, I'm cool."

LEVEL 3: 1am. You've abandoned beer for tequila.

You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR the use of artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!"

At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom, you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies (like, "Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.". But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger, and he's buying. And you're thinking, "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours of sleep, and a complete change of blood, I'm cool."

LEVEL 4: 2am. And the devil is bartending.

For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf!

This time, on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an afterhours bar.

Here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well, as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well stay up all night! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow, I'm cool."

LEVEL 5: 5am.

After unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Simon!", you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as, that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is saying, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell by nine."

At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO VEGAS, BABY!!!!!" -- and passes out.

You crawl outside for air, and then you hit the worst part of level 5 -- the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work or worse, jogging. And they look at you and they know. And they say, "Who's Simon?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory -- you've beat the night. But if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight.

We all say the same prayer and then, "I swear, I will never do this again as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!"

3 good reasons why sports cars are better than women:

1- You can make your sports car perform for you whenever and wherever you want it to.

2- You can make your sports car's BODY look however you want it to.

3- The most important reason -- You can trade your old car in for a NEW ONE when you get tired of it.

Two guys were in a locker room taking a shower after a game of squash when one noticed that the other had a huge cork stuck in his butt.

"That looks really uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"

"I can't. It's stuck there permanently."

"How in the hell did it happen?"

"Well, I was walking along the beach, and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and a genie appeared and said he could grant me a wish. Unfortunately my immediate reaction was, "No sh*t!"

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects, Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here's a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties:

You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets(-1)
You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty (0)
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)
But return with beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something (+5)
You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
It's her father (-20)

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2)
Named Tiffany (-4)
Tiffany is a dancer (-6)
Tiffany has implants (-

Her Birthday

You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A Night Out with The Boys

Go out with a pal (-5)
And the pal is happily married (-4)
Or frighteningly single (-7)
And he drives a Lotus (-10)
With a personalized license plate "GR8 N BED" (-15)

A Night Out

You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called DeathCop3 (-3)
Which features cyborgs having sex (-9)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

Your Physique

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too" (-800)

The Big Question

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Communication

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+10)
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep (-20)

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects, Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here's a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties:

You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets(-1)
You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty (0)
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)
But return with beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something (+5)
You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
It's her father (-20)

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2)
Named Tiffany (-4)
Tiffany is a dancer (-6)
Tiffany has implants (-

Her Birthday

You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A Night Out with The Boys

Go out with a pal (-5)
And the pal is happily married (-4)
Or frighteningly single (-7)
And he drives a Lotus (-10)
With a personalized license plate "GR8 N BED" (-15)

A Night Out

You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called DeathCop3 (-3)
Which features cyborgs having sex (-9)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

Your Physique

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too" (-800)

The Big Question

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Communication

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+10)
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep (-20)

femo!!! dats a gud one
am laffin my head off nothin u fit do to please a woman even if u try!

guys na lie?

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, sneak up the stairs and get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed, and my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as Hot as I am?', and she always acts like she's sound asleep!"

A guy is in a bar on St. Patrick's Day and is drinking heavily. After several rounds, nature takes its course and he has to use the john. He stumbles into the bathroom, finds a urinal, and begins to whiz away.

At the urinal right next to him is a man about four feet tall, wearing all green, and with the most enormous penis the drunken guy has ever seen. The short man sees him looking and says, "I see you noticed me penis, laddie. The fact be that I am a leprechaun, and we all have such blessings."

The drunk man is floored! "A leprechaun! That means you have to grant me a wish! I wish my penis was as big as that!"

The leprechaun looks at him and says, "Now hold a wee bit, laddie. You have to do a leprechaun a favor before he'll grant ye a wish. You have to let me have anal sex with you, and then you can have your wish!"

The drunk was kind of leery of letting this enormous schlong in his rear, but he finally said, "Okay."

The leprechaun takes him to a stall, hops on the seat for height, and starts hammering away. The drunk barely makes it through, but finally the leprechaun says, "Okay laddie, 'tis over." The drunk yanks up his pants, turns around and says, "Now grant me my wish!"

The leprechaun looks at him and says, "First answer me a question or two, to make it work. How old are you?"

"I'm thirty-five."

"And did you go on t' higher education, laddie?"

"Well, yeah, I'm a lawyer!"

The leprechaun puts his hands on his hips, looks at the drunk, and says, "And you still believe in freakin' leprechauns?"

50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator


- Make racing car noises when anyone gets on or off.

- Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

- Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

- Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

- Sell Girl Scout cookies.

- On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

- Shave.

- Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

- Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

- Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

- When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

- Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"

- Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

- One word: Flatulence!

- On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

- Do Tai Chi exercises.

- Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and announce: "I've got new socks on!"

- When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"

- Give religious tracts to each passenger.

- Meow occassionally.

- Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

- Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "0ops!"

- Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

- Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.

- Holler "Chocks away!" whenever the elevator descends.

- Walk on with a box that says "human head" on the side.

- Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

- If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holier "Bad touch!"

- Leave a box between the doors.

- Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

- Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

- Start a sing-along.

- When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

- Play the harmonica.

- Shadow box.

- Say "Ding!" at each floor.

- Lean against the button panel.

- Say " wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

- Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

- Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to other passengers that this is your "personal space."

- Bring a chair along.

- Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muhmouf?"

- Blow spit bubbles.

- Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

- Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

- Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

- Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

- Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

- Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."

- Scatter powertools around your feet and scream into a radio, "I'M NOT FINISHED YET! THE CABLE ONLY HAS ONE SCREW!!!"

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick.

Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: Look, it's not the same hat Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ? The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another, and another. After a week the parrot finally said: OK. I give up. What'd you do with the boat ?

It's 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. There are two guys waiting at the dice table for additional competition. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The other two agree.

She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm not wearing underwear." With that she strips naked from the waist down. She then rolls the dice while yelling, "Mamma needs a new pair of pants! YES! I WIN!"

With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The other two just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"

The other answers, "I don't know. I thought you were watching the dice!"

Morris asks his son, now aged 10, if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech.
Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech!?"

"If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"

A woman got pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said, "I bet you're going to sell me tickets to the Highway Patrol Ball."

He replied, "No, Ma'am, highway patrolmen don't have balls." There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he had said. Without saying another word, he closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

Wife's Revenge On Farting Husband

There was this husband and wife, and every morning as they're about to get up the husband starts farting something evil, I mean, LOUD and SMELLY. One morning, the wife has had it and says to her husband,'You know, one of these days, you're gonna fart so hard, your guts are gonna come out of your ass!', to which he replies,'Ahh, shuttup!' (BRAAAPP!)

One morning,she wakes up at the crack of dawn, and thinks to herself, 'Boy, I'm really gonna get him today!!' She gets dressed, and runs to the butcher shop, and buys this big pile of PIG GUTS. She gets back to her house, sneaks quietly into their bedroom, and lays the big pile of pig guts beside his side of the bed. She tiptoes out of the bedroom, and goes to the kitchen to eat some breakfast.

About a half hour later, she hears him scream and run to the bathroom, locking the door behind him. Snickering, she runs to the bathroom door, knocks, and asks, 'Honey, what's the matter, are you alright?', to which he answers (wimpering)'Nothing, I'm alright, don't worry!',whereby she knocks again, insisting, 'But honey, are you sure, open the door!', to which he yells, 'Dammit, I told you I'm alright , go back to what you're doing,let me be!!!'

She goes back to the kitchen, laughing quietly to herself. About 45 minutes later, he comes out of the bathroom, and goes to the kitchen The man is all sweaty, and looks like hell, and he says to her, 'Dammit, woman, you were right, what you said was gonna happen, finally did, luckily, I WAS ABLE TO STICK THEM BACK IN.'

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decide find a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex then, reach over and pull on my penis, fifty-times.

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic

was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of

call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever

delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and

the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its

delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning,

which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course,

as Sinko de Mayo.

A couple had been married for many years, and their son had gotten old enough to date. One day the boy brought a girl over to diner. The mother was thrilled with her son's choice and couldn't wait for the wedding. However, the father was upset and, eventually, the boy asked, “Dad, why don't you seem happy with her. Mom likes her a lot.”
The father explained, “No son, there's nothing wrong with the girl. It's just that I cheated on your mother a long time ago, and the girl you've been dating is my daughter by that woman.”

So the boy dumped her and found himself another girl. Again, he brought her home to the mother's delight, but the father again told him this girl was actually his half-sister. The boy lost his temper and told his mother what his father had said.

Furious, the mother shouted, “Don't listen to him, sweetheart! He isn't even your father!”

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.

The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, “Mmmmm, I smell sausage.”

The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said “Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes.”

The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said, “The only thing I can smell is molasses.”

1.) Men are like, Coffee.

The best ones are rich, warm, full-bodied, and can keep you up all night long.

2.) Men are like, Cement.

After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

3.) Men are like, Chocolate Bars.

Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

4.) Men are like, Blenders.

You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

5.) Men are like, Coolers.

Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

6.) Men are like, Copiers.

You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

7.) Men are like, Curling irons.

They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

8.) Men are like, Government bonds.

They take so long to mature.

9.) Men are like, High heels.

They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

10.) Men are like, Horoscopes.

They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

11.) Men are like, Lawn Mowers.

If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

12.) Men are like, Lava lamps.

Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

13.) Men are like, Laxatives.

They irritate the shit out of you.

14.) Men are like, Mascara.

They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

15.) Men are like, Mini skirts.

If you're not careful, they'll creep up on your butt.

16.) Men are like, Noodles.

They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

17.) Men are like, Parking spaces.

The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small.

18.) Men are like, Plungers.

They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

19.) Men are like, Popcorn.

They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

20.) Men are like, Place mats.

They only show up when there's food on the table.

21.) Men are like, Snowstorms.

You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long he will last.

22.) Men are like, Used Cars.

Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.

23.) Men are like, Vacations.

They never seem to be long enough.

24.) Men are like, Weather.

Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth.

Ways To Annoy People In The Computer Lab

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "NO!!! They've found me!" and bolt.

Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.

Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.

Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.

Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.

Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case, " mysteriously.

Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

Enter the lab, UnCloth, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.

Light candles in a circle around your terminal before starting.

Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."

Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.

"DISK FIGHT!!!"

Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).

Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.

When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.

Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.

If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.

Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.

Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.

Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.

Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.

Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.

Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.

Play "Pong" for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does your delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.

Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)

Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.

Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.

Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects.

Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.

Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.

Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.

Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".

Two words: Tesla Coil

A man was on a sinking ship and managed to swim to shore. The only other creatures were a pit bull and a sheep. Well, a few months went buy and the man was getting the urge, and had heard about people and sheep. However, everytime he tried to get near the sheep the pit bull attacked him. He tried everything to distract the pit bull but he could not get the dog away.

One day he was sitting and thinking about his situation when he saw another ship sinking. He swam out to see if he could help. He grabbed an arm and swam to shore. When he reached shore he saw that it was a beautiful woman. He immediately gave her CPR and brought her back to life.

When she recovered she was so grateful that she said that she would do anything he wanted. The man grinned wide and said, "Great! Could you go over and hold that pit bull for a minute?"

A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in. The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away. The Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the Redhead.
"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.
"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"
"OK," says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!"
"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.
"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"
"Look," the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it, "

A young man called Peter invited his mother for dinner.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how
handsome Peter's apartment roommate was. She had long been suspicious of
a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his roommate than
met the eye.

Reading his mother's thoughts, Peter volunteered, "I know what you must
be thinking Mum, but I assure you, Simon and I are just roommates".

About a week later, Simon came to Peter saying, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't
suppose she took it do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure," said Peter.


So, he sat down and wrote:-


Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you "did" take the frying pan from my
house and I'm not saying that you "did not" take the frying pan, but the

fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for
dinner.

Love Peter.



Several days later, Peter received an e-mail from his mother which read:

Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Simon, and I'm not saying that
you "do not" sleep with Simon, but the fact remains that if he was
sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the frying pan by now.


Love, Mum.

The cheating wife.

A man and a woman meet at a bar one night and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate lovemaking.

The woman suddenly turns up her ear and says, "Quick, my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom.

Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks.

Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to receive you."

"Okay," the man replies, "I'll go get ready."

He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.

"Who the hell are you?" the man asks.

"I am from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with."

The husband exclaims, "But you're naked!"

The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise.

"Those little bastards!"

Going Fisihing.




A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

Kid says, "$101,237.64."

Boss says, "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

>What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??
>
>The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume,
>then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next, fatty."
>
>
>
>Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife
>islying in bed reading. Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when
>you've got a headache."Wife replies: "I think you'll find, that is a
>sheep."Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
>
>A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.He asks,
>"What are you doing?"She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney. I heard
>prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."  
>Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees
>her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he'sgoing, he
>replies, "I'm coming too I want to see how you live on $800 a year".
>
>A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres
>of low fat milk* a carton of eggs* 2 litres of orange juice* a head of
>lettuce* half a dozen tomatoes * a 500g jar of coffee* a 250g pack of
>bacon.

>As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, Adrunk
>standing behind her watched as she placed the items in Front ofthe
>cashier.While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk
>calmlystated,"You must be single."The woman was a bit startled by this
>proclamation, but she was intriguedby the derelict's ntuition, since she
>was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing
>particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the
>Drunk to hermarital status.Curiosity getting the better of her, she said,
>"Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct.  But how on earth did you
>know that?"   The Drunk replied, "Cause you're fucking ugly.".

On the day of the Royal wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all of her family. She suddenly realized she had forgotten to get shoes. Panic!

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately, they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over, Sophie's feet were hurting real bad.

When she and Edward withdrew to their room, the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.

The rest of the family crowded around the door of the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected; grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say, "God, that was tight."

"There," whispered the Queen. "I told you she was a virgin."

Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say, "Right. Now for the other one." Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said, "My God. That was even tighter."

"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

aww heck naw, sailors did that kinda ish??

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead where driving down the road, when a cop starts to chase them.

They rush off and crash into the side of a barn, they immediately jump out of the car and hide under potato sacks.

The cop runs in after them, and the first potato sack he comes to the brunette is under. He kicks it and the brunette says, "MEEEEOOOOOOW," and the cop says, "Oh! It's just a stupid cat."

He then moves to the potato sack the redhead is under and kicks it. The redhead replies, "ROOF, ROOF," the cop, angry now, says, "STUPID DOG!!"

Then the cop gets to the potato sack the blonde is under, he kicks it with great force and the blonde screams, "POOOOOOTAAAAAAATOOOOOOO!"