Speaking to assembled reporters at a 9am press conference on Tuesday, the spokesperson for the Commissioner for Tourism announced the unusual but rapidly developing program to give white people free flashlights when they come to Nigeria.
In his statement, he said "It has recently come to our attention that none of the white people who come to Nigeria have ever seen a blackout in their lives. And since Nigerian electricity is less stable than a fat woman on a bicycle, they all experience severe shock the first time their lights turn off. "
" We've had reports of 5 Americans who fainted, 8 English women who wouldn't stop crying till the lights came back on, one German tourist who screamed for 3 hours straight before packing his bags, running barefoot to the airport and swearing to never come back.
"Obviously, these reports exacerbate Nigeria's already dubious reputation and further damages our declining tourism industry. This is why we've decided to start handing out welcome packages to white tourists so that they are at least prepared when Nepa bleeps up (Nairaland changed it to "Bleep". I actually wrote f***) . The welcome packages will include flashlights, a box of matches, a candle and a power bank.
"We are certain that with these materials, they will at least be less surprised when the inevitable happens. No longer will they sit, confused and frightened in the darkness. Now, they just have light their candles/flashlight and pray to Jesus and his mother that the light comes back before the candle burns out. Also, the power bank keeps their phone working for long enough so that they can keep tweeting and posting messages on FB and videos on Instagram about how utterly bleeped (sigh) Nigeria is and how it needs help. Maybe we'll get more money from the UN after this. Thank you. "
When asked why the FG couldn't focus instead on perfecting, or at least improving the Nigerian electricity grid itself, the spokesperson laughed, called the reporter silly and moved on to the next question.