the first kiss

For Oshare, the moment would be when she first kissed him. she had felt so full with emotions that night. she suddenly felt like the waves of an ocean were about to drown her soul. her heart was like a bottle that was so full it could take no more, She wanted to topple over and reveal her secret desires to him. she was also very angry. he just acted so normal

Sometimes she wondered if he truly had fellings for her or what exactly did she see in his eyes that night?

When they got to the river that divides their journey, he stood under their favourite spot, the large baobab tree.

"so, goodnight. i'll see you tomorrow"
"good night," she heard thunderings from the cage in her chest. she knew she couldnt let another night pass without letting him know.
"what are you doing tomorrow? can i come to, "
that was when she did it. slowly without a warning, she drew his head closer to hers with her right hand and she put her lips to his. it was the briefest she had ever had. he pulled away so gently that she wanted to smack herself in the face for doing it anyway. maybe he's one of those wierd ones who prefer boys or maybe he wasnt just attracted to her.

But Oshare won't forget that night. she wont forget the brisk way they turned their separate ways that night, the way her heart fluttered with a million melodies, the way the stars shone ever so brightly, the way she greeted Mathias cheerily at the gate even when she knew it was way past her curfew time. the way her bed seemed warmer and her sleep so heavenly. she just cant forget the night she first kissed Kofi Appiah.

You must have felt like this yourself. Pretty good - I particularly like "thunderings from the cage in her chest" - vivid imagery. Keep it up. Get published.

When she woke up the next morning, her heart and mouth sang tunes she thought she'd forgotten.She felt like standing on top of the highest mountain in Samsara to scream:

" I love Kofi Appiah!"

she smiled at the image it conjured. her grandmother would go into a fit. Hadn't she being warned by the whole village that men were dangerous? she sighed at the memories of her escapedes with Dapo Giwa. his promises to take her to Nigeria for a wedding that never took place.

" Men are wicked Oshare, when will you ever learn? eh? your mother was abandoned by that good for nothing Nigerian. eh! he didnt even look back. i had to take care of her because she was already pregnant with you"

the voice of Mama rang in her ears loudly. she sighed again.

"at least Kofi is  not a Nigerian so Mama cannot object"

Dapo Giwa was her first love. everyone thought it was a match doomed from the start. everyone except Oshare. what would they say now if they saw her with Kofi. Nana, her best friend said people had started running their mouths about her relationship.

"they said you're a prostitute!"
"eh! me? i am dead! who did i sleep with in this Samsara eh?"
" calm down Oshare. let them run their leaking mouths"

that was two months ago and they havent stopped talking. one evening, as she was returning from Kasanta market heard some women whispering behind her,

"Fool, she thinks all men are fools. soon Kofi will find out her dirty secrets and will not marry her."
"Afterall, she has always been boasting about going out of the country to Nigeria. let's see where her pride will get her" the second voice said.

Oshare didnt let things like that bother her. her mother was full of grace and she carried herself with pride. this she taught her daughter. Oshare held her head high and walked on ahead of them till she didnt hear their voices anymore.

her mother was always gossiped about too. the villagers hated her for getting pregenat for a Nigerian. The young men wooed her but Sisi didnt listen to them, her heart belonged to Daniel Dede, a tall and fair skinned Nigerian who stole the heart of every damsel in Samsara then. When he declared his love for Sisi, the whole village went beserk. how could she marry a foreigner?

Sisi refused saying that their love would sustain them. she was wrong for Daniel left her pregnant with Oshare and he never came back to Ghana.

My Dear,
If this is your original story, then like Oshare, hold your head high and write on ahead of the others who prefer to waste their quality time in petty gossip.

You have latent genius, potent enough to blaze a trail for the arrival of a unque writer.
Engaging characterization, lucid narrative and with a very good sense of humour.

Don't limit your literary goals to prose alone, because the evidence of a good dramatist is shown in your dialogue and the graphic description of your locale shows a good screenplay in the making.

If you want it to be published as a short story before you complete the full length like Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie's Half of a Yellow Sun, then send the short story to:

Daniel Slater
Director, Amazon Shorts
Digital Product Development
Amazon.com
dslater@amazon.com
T: (206) 266-5957
F: (206) 266-8330


[size=18pt]Two thumbs up![/size]

omg!

@orikinla, thanks a lot. i never tot my story was as nice as u said. but i'll take ur advice cos ive been sitting around for too long

thanks

If this story is truelly yours, then I have to say keep it up girl.

The sky cannot be your limit. It is beyund the sky.

jesusfreak:

omg!

@orikinla, thanks a lot. i never tot my story was as nice as u said. but i'll take your advice because ive been sitting around for too long

thanks

I was hooked by your narrative.
And I hardly read much prose these days, because of my projects. But your story kept me on this page without looking elsewhere.

I can buy what I have just read for over $2,000 and produce the short film.

I loved your vivid imagery in the following lines:

When they got to the river that divides their journey, he stood under their favourite spot, the large baobab tree

Just try to capture the picture of the above scenery.

But Oshare won't forget that night. she wont forget the brisk way they turned their separate ways that night, the way her heart fluttered with a million melodies, the way the stars shone ever so brightly, the way she greeted Mathias cheerily at the gate even when she knew it was way past her curfew time

Just imagine the mood and the romantic colour of this particular night and the million melodies in her tender heart.

Your artistry, imagery and vocabulary make your prose read like poetry.

If you have not joined our Association of Nigerian Authors (ANA), please do so soon. Because, ANA will help you perfect your craft and get the benefits of the recognition you deserve.

thanks again!

im not going to stop blushing

i avnt joined ANA cos ive got no clue how. pls send me contact details ok?

thanks

im working on the third part of the story. id appreciate critics who will give me clues on how best i can improve

I think your story needs a lot of work. It seems like you have a good idea to begin with and you need to pay attention to the little details. There are grammatical errors in the story. Any good author will tell you that having an great idea is not what makes a good story. The devil is in the detail.

An example is "he stood under their favourite spot, the large baobab tree", should read he stood on their favourite spot, under the large baobab tree (this is unless you are trying to say that their favourite spot was not under the tree but the tree itself, which would be weird because then it wont be a spot per se ^{but if that was your intention I apologise for mentioning that line}).

@ SMC thanks a million. will work on that. pls take time to read thru the third part and make some corrections ok?
so here goes nuthing.

The Real Thing

As she lay on her bed one night, the night Kofi was supposed to come around, she wondered why Salome's mother endured a marriage like that. The sound of her wailing tore at Oshare's heart.

How can he just enjoy beating her like that? He must have gone mad

One good thing about their fights was that it afforded Oshare the opportunity to sneak out of the house to see Kofi. He promised to come around that night but she couldn’t wait any longer. So she silently prayed Salome’s mother would run to their house as she usually did when Mensah her husband chased her around with a stick.

Why isn’t he here yet?

She’d waited so long to hear the familiar whistle that usually signifies Kofi’s presence behind her grandmother’s fence.

Maybe he’s sick.

Her heart ached for her love. It’s been over seven hours since they last saw and it felt like seven years.

“Nana, Nana! Please open the door; he’s planning to kill me eh! Open the door!”
Oshare quickly got her rubber slippers ready so she could slip out of the house unnoticed. She hurriedly made the cross sign as a prayer that Mathias would be asleep this night.

Her grandmother was already comforting the battered woman in the sitting room. Oshare tip-toed from her room and exited through the passage door in order to avoid making any sound. Her prayers were answered as Mathias was fast asleep on the bench and the gate was slightly ajar.

As she came out into the night, she sighed and stared at the sky. The stars were shining so brightly that night that her heart raced to be with Kofi. It was a lovely night to behold. The night was too beautiful to be spent alone. As she walked on by the bush path that connected her grandmother’s house to the major street in Samsara, she heard some strange sound. She made to walk faster in order to leave the shaggy spot; suddenly she heard sturdy steps behind her. Someone was following her. Her heart raced yet she walked ever so fast that she almost leaped into a run.


Maybe he’s just a hunter
Yet the steps drew closer that no matter how fast her legs went, the footsteps sounded right behind her ears.

Just write first, you can always correct the grammar as you revise your drafts.

You can contact the Association of Nigerian Authors by e-mail:
ananational@yahoo.com

Orikinla:

Just write first, you can always correct the grammar as you revise your drafts.

And that's why lots of people's stories never make it to the bookshelves.

Orikinla is right. Let the story flow out of your pen first, the revisions can come later. Otherwise you'll never get round to writing anything.

thanks to all. please keep the comments coming cos somehow they help!

@SMC , i took ur advice and corrected the errors u pointed out. thanks.
@ orikinla , thanks for the info! im honored to have ur attention!

When Ben Okri wrote Flowers and Shdaows before he was 19, he spent over two years to correct the drafts.

Everybody has a method of writing.
It is best to write according to the momentum of your stream of consciousness and don't lose sleep over your common errors in English grammar.

Ken Saro-Wiwa's Sozaboy was written in bastard english, but it is now a modern classic.

I am not advocating bad grammar. But being original is better than using common English phrases.
If possible, use your poetic license to create your own original style of modern literature in English.

African writers writing as they speak in their mother-tongue have had constraints in expressing themselves.

Mo gbo bi ogiri se run in Yoruba translates as I hear as the ogiri is smelling.
But it wrong to say you hear something smelling in Englsih Grammar.

When you complete your first draft, you can send a copy to my darling SMC to proof-read it.

Oshare may become one the most memorable female characters in modern African fiction.

Orikinla:

When Ben Okri wrote Flowers and Shdaows before he was 19, he spent over two years to correct the drafts.

Everybody has a method of writing.
It is best to write according to the momentum of your stream of consciousness and don't lose sleep over your common errors in English grammar.

Ken Saro-Wiwa's Sozaboy was written in bastard english, but it is now a modern classic.

I am not advocating bad grammar. But being original is better than using common English phrases.
If possible, use your poetic license to create your own original style of modern literature in English.

African writers writing as they speak in their mother-tongue have had constraints in expressing themselves.

Mo gbo bi ogiri se run in Yoruba translates as I hear as the ogiri is smelling.
But it wrong to say you hear something smelling in Englsih Grammar.

When you complete your first draft, you can send a copy to my darling SMC to proof-read it.

Oshare may become one the most memorable female characters in modern African fiction.

Orikinla, I do not recall making any comments about expressions and their translations in different languages. That is why the phrase "Lost in Translation" was coined to deal with words/phrases which could not be interpreted or translated literally without there being either a variation in the meaning intended or in other instances, the entire meaning being totally lost.

Also, I'd appreciate it if you do not patronise me in future. I do not provide editing services much less proofreading ones. There is this disgusting trend on this Nairaland forum where numerous people give glowing praises to peoples written work even though it is glaring that what has been tendered for objective analysis is complete crap. You as an individual, do it a lot and I am sure that you will say that you are "encouraging" such people. What you are in fact doing is setting them up for a big fall and major humiliation because they tend to believe that the garbage they have spewed out is in fact good.

@ Jesusfreak, Most publishers receive numerous scripts daily (and for top publishers, scripts received run into thousands). Believe me, no one likes to waste time reading a product where it seems that the writer does not have a basic grasp of the tools of his/her trade. As you may well know, words are the tools of an authors trade and it is imperative that you have an understanding of your tools.  You also have to identify your target audience when writing. I am not talking about simple typographical errors here, and I am not saying you should dot your I's and cross your T's at this point.

Regarding revising drafts, this is a normal occurence in the writing world and there isn't a writer who does not revise his/her work before it is finally published. It usually is time consuming work in itself. Ken Follet took about 10 years or more to write "The Pillars of the Earth" (and although this is one of my favourite books, the critics rightly slated him saying amongst other things, that the language he used was not appropriate for the period he covered. Also, I found errors in the book as well as unnecessary repitition, and these things reduced what should have been a truly remarkable book to one that was a "miss" in the literary world).

Everyone is entitled to give their opinions and I have given mine. I reiterate what I said in my previous post that "I think your story needs a lot of work. It seems like you have a good idea to begin with and you need to pay attention to the little details".

I AM DONE HERE.

Very good story,the writer know the subject she is writing about.I don't think that grammatical errors matters so much when you are writing for a web audience,when I write I use Wordpad to write instead of using MS-Word.I noticed that in spending time correcting grammatical errors throws me off my story.
A love story set in an African village is just fantastic ,please post more

SMC:

Orikinla, I do not recall making any comments about expressions and their translations in different languages. That is why the phrase "Lost in Translation" was coined to deal with words/phrases which could not be interpreted or translated literally without there being either a variation in the meaning intended or in other instances, the entire meaning being totally lost.

Also, I'd appreciate it if you do not patronise me in future. I do not provide editing services much less proofreading ones. There is this disgusting trend on this Nairaland forum where numerous people give glowing praises to peoples written work even though it is glaring that what has been tendered for objective analysis is complete crap. You as an individual, do it a lot and I am sure that you will say that you are "encouraging" such people. What you are in fact doing is setting them up for a big fall and major humiliation because they tend to believe that the garbage they have spewed out is in fact good.

@ Jesusfreak, Most publishers receive numerous scripts daily (and for top publishers scripts received run into thousands). Believe me, no one likes to waste time reading a product where it seems that the writer does not have a basic grasp of the tools of his/her trade. As you may well know, words are the tools of an authors trade and it is imperative that you have an understanding of your tools.  You also have to identify your target audience when writing. I am not talking about simple typographical errors here, and I am not saying you should dot your I's and cross your T's at this point.

Regarding revising drafts, this is a normal occurence in the writing world and there isn't a writer who does not revise his/her work before it is finally published. It usually is time consuming work in itself. Ken Follet took about 10 years or more to write "The Pillars of the Earth" (and although this is one of my favourite books, the critics rightly slated him saying amongst other things, that the language he used was not appropriate for the period he covered. Also, I found errors in the book as well as unnecessary repitition, and these things reduced what should have been a truly remarkable book to one that was a "miss" in the literary world).

Everyone is entitled to give their opinions and I have given mine. I reiterate what I said in my previous post that "I think your story needs a lot of work. It seems like you have a good idea to begin with and you need to pay attention to the little details".

I AM DONE HERE.

things have indeed fallen apart, in Nigerian literature, if people cant give constructive and objective analysis without being labelled as anti-progressive. The standard today seems to be Nollywood.

I agree with your comments about The Pillars of the Earth. I read that book because of a glowing review I saw on Nairaland, and the novel certainly wasnt what I had expected. I was captivated by the first page, where the woman was spewing curses on the people hanging her husband, but everything kind of went downhill from there, for me.Reading on through sheer determination, I felt like I was wandering in a maze, after a while. The sex scenes were well written [ maybe the reason for some of the glowing reviews?], and the guy had a good storyline, but the presentation left much to be desired, for me. I had the same experience with The Time Traveller's Wife.

However, it was overall a very interesting concept, though, as the critics also pointed out, the word "Daddy" was inappropriate for a 12th or 15th century setting. I noticed other examples like this one. But I can understand why people would consider the book top notch.

@ Tpia,
Thank you o.

Hey jesusfreak,

Good to know you've been holding your part.Good stuff you wrote there too.Just take every praise and critique as they come.They can only make you come out stronger, ok? They are all here to help, i believe.I'm even ashamed that i have all my stuffs ready but i've been dragging my feet to assemble them,I've also attended women writers association meeting once in collaboration with ANA,on feb 14th this yr. Did you finally visit lovingyou.com?

keep doing your thing girl,i'm proud of you as a woman!

Orikinla,please give us more info on ANA, thanks

hey lilian

thanks

@jesusfreak

where is the rest of the story?

I thoroughly enjoyed reading the excerpts of this story. Please where is the rest of it? Published, I hope!