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The Best Latest Jokes Updates By Uti Michael - Jokes Etc - Nairaland

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The Best Latest Jokes Updates By Uti Michael by utimichael(m): 4:14pm On Oct 25, 2019
1. It is only in Nollywood
movies witches will appear and
the first thing they do is to
.... Ask them what's funny couz I dont understand
2. Drinking a lot of water can
help you mind ur bizness.. Couz
u will spend most of ur time
urinating, instead of
3. Imagine you act dead
during a Boko Haram attack and you hear "shoot everyone
again".. That moment... your urine alone
can flood the whole of lagos
4. Short girls will put one hand
on their waist and be looking
like tea cup
5. I was driving BENZ in my dream last night ..... until my
sister slap me to wake up and
stop pushing bed to the kitchen
6. No animal can run faster than a girl with makeup when
it's raining 7. Who else notice that squeezing Maggi this day's is like breaking the wall of jericho
8. The way I'm broke This days
is like I should sell my
neighbor's dogs and do the barking at night
Re: The Best Latest Jokes Updates By Uti Michael by utimichael(m): 4:19pm On Oct 25, 2019
1.. Some tribes in Nigeria will be crying during funerals but they will still use that same eye to locate the people sharing food nd drinks »»». ..... I will not call the tribe before they say that I hate igbo people 2. Just because I don't like cooking doesn't mean I can't cook .... Have you tasted my hot water before ? .... chaii..... You will lick your hand 3. nobody can give me headache when panaldo is #50.. nobody can break my heart when super glue is #30... With #80 ayam safe. 4. some people will do blood money and still be stingy .. Blood that is not Even ur own.... What rubbish 5. Breaking News : "all short people are now allow to use their full picture as passport 6. The downfall of a man is not the end of his life but if he falls from a 3~story building.... that one na CALL OF EXIST 7. How can I bought shoes for 250k and expect me to walk on the ground?..... Abeg if u hear any sound on your roof don't panic ... Na me dey waka 8. What if your offering money is wat they are going too use to feed u in heaven?? ..... Some people will die Before 1 week 9. On judgement day ... I will just hold Nigeria flag so that God can know that have pass through hell b4 .... I can't face hell twice ohh 10. I know my people can't read without appreciating my effort


Re: The Best Latest Jokes Updates By Uti Michael by utimichael(m): 4:21pm On Oct 25, 2019
1. Just because i gave this goat a lift, People are now saying rubbish that I want to steal it... So human cannot help animals again 2. Nigeria Barbers will use powder to deceive u making u Look like Chris Brown But once u get home & bath BOOM! Ur back to MR IBU 3. Avoid taking WEED in the morning. Now someone just dropped his children in his office and has gone to their school for work 4. What a life? The lawyer hopes you get into trouble, the doctor hopes you fall sick, the police hopes you become a criminal, the teacher hopes you are born stupid, the coffin maker wants you dead, only the thief wishes you prosperity in life so that he can steal from you.please hug the next thief by you. He is your only true friend 5. I paid N100,000.00 for one night for an hotel room and you are asking me why I am taking away their television. Are you okay? 6. If not for the love I have for Nokia touch light how much is iPhone 11 that someone cannot buy 7. It's only in Africa that people will go to the hospital and start confusing Doctors.. They will be like "Doctor i'm having chest pains all over my body, from my head to my toes 8. Ladies Did you know that the real meaning of "grin.A.T.E" is Dick At The End? 9. There is a special heaven for those people selling kpomo, they will tell you the kpomo is soft, only for you to get home and realise you bought leather belt
Re: The Best Latest Jokes Updates By Uti Michael by utimichael(m): 4:23pm On Oct 25, 2019
1. Dating a slim girl could be very annoying. Even wen u break up with her, Boom, breeze will carry her back to u 2. I was owing mtn N500, I broke the sim and bought another one, after registration I received a message. *YOU AGAIN*_ 3. My ex thought that she broke my heart Mtweeee Heart way I put screen guard 4. My Pastor gave me 7days fasting it's still The 2nd day and am already seeing my shadow drinking coke with Gala 5. U cannot be a nurse & be ugly, because i cannot fear injection & still fear ur face...ah ah, wat rubbish. 6. A female friend of mine got 3rd position in class and her mum bought her a laptop..should I tell the mum they are only 3 in in their class? 7. its only in Indian movie that armed robber Will be singing inside a bank after robbery and police will be outside dancing... YeYe people 8. over sabi is when you are dancing more than me on my wedding day and u mistakenly fall my cake U will tell me who invited u
Re: The Best Latest Jokes Updates By Uti Michael by utimichael(m): 4:28pm On Oct 25, 2019
1. eating suya with the person who bought it is stressful you will be asking de holy spirit when next to pick one 2. you came to kidnap me with benz and you expect me to shout for help are you OK??... A Abeg shift small make i balance well 3. shot girls are cute until it's time to say goodnight and she hug your leg 4. you can't walk faster like a person who has been given a extra change in the shop. Try it and see 5. my dog is so useless can you imagine we were both chased by Another dog today 6. Even my phone wants to leave Nigeria. I am typing MALARIA its typing MALAYSIA. 7. One time in high school, i was dozzing in physic lecture, the teacher from no where asked me, "what is the unit of power equivalent to joule per second ?? Me: what ?? Teacher: clap for him, it is called (watt) my dear that's when i knew that miracle still exist 8. In this our hard economy, someone wants to buy a foreign dog of 500k* *If you give me that money, I'll stand at your door and bark * 9. Having younger siblings around you is stressful, See my life now, am drinking yoghurt in the Toilet 10. Sister!!..if you have flat boobs, flat yansh, and even flat chest.....congr atulations, your three bedroom flat is now complete
Re: The Best Latest Jokes Updates By Uti Michael by utimichael(m): 5:25pm On Oct 25, 2019
1. If my phone and bible are falling at the same time what will I do? I will catch my phone and let the bible fall because the word of God can not be broken 2. Blessed are those boys that have no girlfriend for they shall enjoy their pocket money 3. This people that keeps asking can u exchange me for 1million naira,can u slap me for 10million naira, they don't even know that with the present situation of nigeria now i can exchange them with bread and minerals 4. Dating a short girl is really good but not until you enter bus Dem tell you Oga pls lap your daughter 5. I Saw a girl crying at the mall I asked her what happened? She Told me that she lost her 1000 naira So, I gave her 200 naira from the 1000 naira which I found at the Entrance of The Mall. When God gives you , You must share it too! 6. Be shouting smal body no be sickness, until they start sharing drinks in an event, and dey got to ur turn &giv u bobo 7. Neighbours will always see the girl u brought home last night But they will never see the thief who stole from your place even during the day!!! *Nonsense bunches of idiots* 8. I asked A Girl on Facebook to tell me more about herself. I Fainted after she told me that She is SLIM IN COMPLEXION. 9. Big boy is not when you manage buy iPhone x max and behave rude to your elders. Big boy is when your girlfriend ask you for money and you give her your ATM with the password and tell her to withdraw any amount. Ladies am I making Sense? Any girl that thinks I’m making SENSE. Hmm Electric Pole FALL on U. Thief 10. Nobody is careful than a guy composing an SMS for a new girl. He can even go to dictionary to confirm the correct spelling of "IS" just to be sure
Re: The Best Latest Jokes Updates By Uti Michael by utimichael(m): 10:48pm On Nov 23, 2019
1. on judgment day I will be
holding a Nigerian flag to notify
God dat I can't
experience hell twice

2. King Solomon had 700 wives
and cheated on them with 300 concubines &
God still loved him.
Your husband cheats on you
with one woman and he can't
have peace.
My sister keep calm and read the bible"

3. Some people will finish
bathing with a bucket and say "I
just showered"
my dear you just bucketed
bereal for once

4. What happened to the
Relatives don't give us money
again when they visit? Why?

5. Take her out, buy her food
then ask her out , If she say she has a boyfriend , tell her to call
her boyfriend to come and pay
for her food

6. Technology has really spoilt
the world.*
*Imagine my mum doesn't count the pieces of meat in the
pot again.* *She takes short
video clips of the soup and even
capture it....*
*How will I be able to slim fit
the meats now?

7. A thief broke into my house
last night and started searing
for money, I woke up and
search with him

8. All the slim girls online just
gather yourself because I need a broom

9. Those of u dat do eat 2 slice
of bread and tea in the morning, pls how do u survive? 12 slice na to warm my mouth self

10. Nothing is sweeter than
u are in church and u are feeling
sleepy and the pastor na say
bow ur heads let's pray for the
next 1 hour

11. It was my First Time On a
Date I asked her out and she
was Blushing , so we went to a
Near By Relaxation spot for a
Chat , wen we got there , we sat
down and I removed my wallet from my back pocket , and
behold it was just #200 that is
in the wallet , and I knew I had
to Get Us Something , As a Smart
Guy i had to come up with a fast
Plan , I asked Her to wait for me that I was going to get us some
Drinks ,with My #200 so I
bought 1 Fanta can drink , and I
took and Empty sprite Can ,filled
it with water and went back to
meet my lady .. A smile appeared on her Face as she said
"Oh my Lovely Mr Fabulous, how
did u know that
Sprite is my Favourite drink I
hate Fanta , Give me sprite jor"
Immediately my spiritual Ears opened and I heard my village
people singing "ITS OUR WORK
OO, SOFT WORK" I guess u know
the remaining
Re: The Best Latest Jokes Updates By Uti Michael by Emekuss(m): 10:32pm On Nov 25, 2019

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Re: The Best Latest Jokes Updates By Uti Michael by utimichael(m): 8:08pm On Dec 08, 2019
1. In Africa once ur phone rings in the church, everybody will start looking at u as if satan is the one calling
2. If u don't know hw to sing a particular hymn, it's better u just shut up. Which one is "rock of ages swear 4 me, let me hang myself indeed. Mtcheeew
3. My oga's wife is calling her new born baby a bouncing baby boy. Now my spirit is telling me to throw him up and see whether he will bounce when he lands on the floor
4. I told u someone is related to me and u are asking me if it is by blood. Nooo it's by juice
5. I heard my neighbours child today singing "Palent listen to ya shoedlen, we are the lizards of tomollow, cum and pray our school figs and give us the sun edumention. Chai! I just fainted
6. Igbo kids be like "three little black bird sitting on the wall nwannem peter, nwannem Paul"
7. Buhari please open borders let hamattan enter Nigeria, heat wan kill person
8. If not for Adam, I would have been under a mango tree and fresh breeze blowing my nyansh
9. Welcome to Nigeria where we steal something and still join the owner to search For the thing
10. That moment you take your ugly friend along with you to your crush house and she was like "Oh my God! You guys look alike"

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