I am bored so I came up with this silly letter, and I need replies from the chairs out there

Chair,
It is customary for a letter to begin with greetings but I'm so vexed with you that I had to forego it. What is more shallow than greetings between rivalries.
Yes rivalries, for that is what we are now due to your tendency to constantly annoy me.
We were once good friends, so close that we once trick our owner's kid to glue us together because we wanted to be together forever. I trusted you to to always support me but you literally let me fall on a hard floor and betrayed my trust.
Why? Because you want to know wat a female buttocks felt like, A FEMALE BUTTOCKS!!
That on it's own while painfull and heartbreaking didn't stop me from thinking of you as a friend, and then your antics began
2days after you let me land face first to the floor, the lady bum came in and suddenly you started pricking with your nails making me uncomfortable on you and when I stood up you moved over to where she stood offering her yourself unashamedly and ignoring my protests.
This have been going on for 2months now and I've been enduring it but yesterday you did what I could no longer endure. When I came back yesterday from work I was so tired and on seeing you free had to rest my self on you. Not up to 5minutes later their was a knock on the door and the female arse came in with her owner when suddenly you used about 5 nails to pierced my skin simultaneously and you drew blood, MY BLOOD!! And threw me across the room and I landed on my bloody face.
Now I'm on my way back from the hospital where I was admitted for 3 days and I'm writing to inform you of the impending battle between you and I. Your cup is full and my anger won't be abated until I break one or two of your legs. Be prepared for war.
Angry Buttocks.